Self Worth And Depression

[Nyx]

Lucy, it's wonderful to hear that you are being honest with your husband. This the way he'll be able to help you best.

Brokenchild, you know you are doing them but did you make a plan for changing them? It's not enough to know, you have to also take step after step in changing them. Setting small goals.
For example. You could try to alternate. Cleaning that pile of papers on your bedroom floor should win you the right to brush your teeth. Sweeping and mopping the floors should win you the right to shower. And so on... Prioritize and make equivalents - the harder the task you achieve, the bigger your right should be.
Once you have discovered your mechanisms, you have to work on them, they don't just change, especially when they've been going on for a long time...

 

[brokenchild]

Brokenchild, you know you are doing them but did you make a plan for changing them? It's not enough to know, you have to also take step after step in changing them. Setting small goals.

I try to change by just ignoring the rules. That works sometimes, but not often. Most times I just get the extreme urge to punish myself in some way.

For example. You could try to alternate. Cleaning that pile of papers on your bedroom floor should win you the right to brush your teeth. Sweeping and mopping the floors should win you the right to shower. And so on... Prioritize and make equivalents - the harder the task you achieve, the bigger your right should be.

But in my mind, what I have to do to in order to deserve something so often changes and just gets added on to. For instance, when I was reading last night, I told myself that when I finished the book, I could eat. But when I finished the book, it wasn't enough. I also had to clean the stove.

I wish I could just eat, shower, etc. when I want/need to instead of when my mind thinks I've done enough to deserve it. I'm working on that.

Once you have discovered your mechanisms, you have to work on them, they don't just change, especially when they've been going on for a long time...

I am working on them. It just seems the more I work on them, the harder it becomes to deserve anything, if that makes any sense.

 

[brokenchild]

Thought I would post something positive in here instead of negative. This weekend for self care, I have:

shaped my eyebrows
filed and buffed my fingernails
shaved my legs with an electric razor

Before going to sleep tonight, I WILL:

Take a shower
wash my hair with my "special" shampoo
use Dead Sea salts at least on my face

 

[cherryblossom]

That is seriously positive stuff BC, :D

 

[brokenchild]

Take a shower
wash my hair with my "special" shampoo
use Dead Sea salts at least on my face

All done!! I even lotioned my legs!

Now, what's left is to eat, drink some liquid (milk), take ALL my medicines, and brush my teeth.

 

[WonderingWhy]

This weekend I have:
shaped my eyebrows
filed and buffed my fingernails
shaved my legs with an electric razor

Good job. That is great! :thumbsup:

Before going to sleep tonight, I WILL:
Take a shower
wash my hair with my "special" shampoo
use Dead Sea salts at least on my face

BC,
Great goal, you can do it, and you DO deserve it. You deserve as much pampering as you can get. EVERYDAY!!!
:hug:

 

[brokenchild]

EVERYTHING accomplished.

Showered
Washed hair with "special" shampoo
Used Dead Salts on my face
Lotioned my legs and face
Ate a bowl of rice, peas, and corn
Had a glass of milk
Took ALL my medications
Brushed my teeth

!!!!!!

I did do everything I had said I had to do in order to do those things either. I did fill out my application so I can take classes next month and swept/mopped half the kitchen floor. But I decided that I HAD to shower and eat, and I granted myself permission based on what I did today, as well as writing some things out. Yesterday I wrote out about how I would be punished if I did things without earning them, which I hadn't written about before. Maybe I'll cut and paste it in my journal one of these days.

Now, it's just about bedtime. I'm going to get under my electric blanket and do some reading.

Night!

 

[cherryblossom]

Night night, Broken Child.
I hope you are going off to bed with a huge grin on your face, for everything you have acomplished this weekend. Be very proud of yourself. Sleep well.:affection:

 

[brokenchild]

Night night, Broken Child.
I hope you are going off to bed with a huge grin on your face, for everything you have acomplished this weekend. Be very proud of yourself. Sleep well.:affection:

I'm not good at considering things "accomplishments" even when they are by other people's standards. To me, most of the things I do are either because I "have" to inroder to do things, or things everyone else can do and I only allow myself after I "earned" them. Weight lifting may be the exception though. That I do not only for the psychological benefits, but because I really do enjoy it.

 

[brokenchild]

I hate to keep bring this thread back to the top with my posts, but I could really use some support/cheerleading/etc. Therapy today including a "gift" from my therapist. It's a "gift card" for one month of 3 meals of day, showers, and other self care activities. As soon as she told me what it was for, I got really nauseous. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I'm already thinking that I have to punish myself if I go through with this. I know that's not the point though.

Maybe I just can't do this yet?

 

[cherryblossom]

Firstly, you don't have any reason to apologise for posting, or bringing your thread back to the top. The whole point of the forum is to talk ;)

Before I read this post, I posted in your diary, so I won't comment again here, except to say that my post says that I'm cheering you on from the side lines!! So, you already have my support :thumbsup:

 

[brokenchild]

So, it's me again. I just thought I'd let you all know how I'm doing in this area.

The first week wasn't so good. Last week was really good though. Granted, I was working out about an hour a day so in that instance "deserved" the things I was doing, but I never thought about whether or not I "deserved" them. I took all my medicines all week, brushed my teeth every day, washed my face with Dead Sea products twice a day, ate 3 meals a day, drank 6+ cups of water, etc.

Flash forward to this weekend, and things are back to being "normal" for me, in other words, not good. I'd hardly ate or drank anything and have done no self care activities. I'm not even really thinkinf about whether I "deserve" them or not so much as they aren't really crossing my mind.

It's almost as if I've been so well trained that I don't need to consciously think about whether or not I "deserve" things, I just act accordingly, if that makes sense. It's not until I look back and realize that I've hardly eaten or drank anything, that everything I did all week so easily seems to have fallen apart that I wonder if subconsciously since I'm not at work or working out like I was during the week, I just automatically stop doing those things since I'm not "earning" them in any way.

Well, at least there was some good news, even if there was some bad too.