Relationship Separate Houses

[Lacey Marie]

My vet and I are going to try separate homes. We had a couple great years, but the last year and a half has really been a struggle. He's so critical when he gets stressed, he gets stressed so easy and we fight all the time. Sometimes home doesn't feel like my home because I'm always walking on egg shells these days. So I told him I'm moving out, he was already stressed, then I gave him that so he's isolating (I'm getting so much better at reading him and not freaking out when he does this). Yesterday I told him I think we should cool off for a month after I move out then just try living like we're dating. Basically have a relationship without the stresses of having a household together. Like I said he's isolating but just texted back "I think that is a good idea". Funny thing is earlier on in our relationship while I didn't understand PTSD at all I could tell he got stressed easily and suggested this very thing but he wanted us to be a family. Anyways, I feel pretty good about this though I know other people who don't understand PTSD are going to be critical and think I'm hanging on to the threads of a relationship. To me if it works wonderful, if it doesn't then I tried. Curious to know thoughts of fellow supporters or sufferers...do you think it's crazy? (I will say I have a son from my previous marriage and we have a son together. It does complicate things, but right now being all in the same house is not healthy for any of us because of the fighting/ignoring. This way hopefully we can still be a family, just in a non-traditional setting).

 

[Sweetpea76]

It may work. Sometimes having your own space is good.

My vet and I have been together for years, and we still don't live together. People ask all the time why we aren't living together or married yet... But it's none of their business. This is what has been working for us. We've been moving at our own pace.

One thing I would recommend though, is to make each other feel "at home" in both places. Sometimes my vet and I stay at mine for long stretches of time.. Sometimes we stay at his, and when he is stressed we stay apart. He knows he is more than welcome to come over anytime and walk in like he owns the joint. We both have each others keys, alarm codes, and clothes and belongings at both places. He set up his basement as a room for my kids to stay.

We actually stay together way more than we stay separately. We have that "buffer" of him having his own space though. He uses it less and less as time goes by, so we'll eventually just go and buy a place of our own and live together. We're not on anybody's timeline but our own.

Your relationship can run anyway you guys need it to in order to make it work.

 

[Livy's Mom]

I am currently on the outs with my vet but during this time I have said to my therapist and myself multiple times that I wished I had done this very thing.

If your able to make a change in order to prevent being hit by the speeding train that you KNOW is coming then who cares what others think. Do it.

I believe in my own case this kind of arrangement would have worked well and prevented a lot of hurt, anger and unnecessary escalation.

I think it's a mature and healthy decision for you, your kids and your relationship.

Good luck to you :)

 

[Lacey Marie]

Thank you for the feedback! Good to hear from others who understand. @Sweetpea76 thank you for the advise on making it work! @Livy's Mom I feel the same way; I wish I would have done this in the first place : )