Relationship Separated And Still Being Abused By My Sufferer.

[StandHopeful]

My H and I have been separated for just over a month now. The final straw was the "F*ck you" I got two days after Christmas. We've been doing okay though, he is finally on a cocktail on meds that seem to finally be working. He is seeing his therapist and is seeing great results with EMDR. He is getting spiritual counseling by the man he is staying with. He is even attending 3 NA meetings a week.

He didn't forget my birthday this year and baked me a cake. He celebrated the day with me and our three kids and we had a great time. One night this week he came over and we had a wonderful evening reminiscing and him telling me all about his therapy and how much better he feels now. I felt cautious but encouraged.

However, this weekend brought things to a screeching halt. He was watching the kids for me at our home while I was out working. He got very upset when i got home about getting a refill on one of his meds. When he started to get loud and began to cuss, I asked him to leave. He wouldn't so I told my kids to get their shoes on and that we were leaving instead.

He wouldn't let me leave with my kids unless I told him where I was going. I refused so he told the kids they were going with him instead. As he was in no way going to take my kids in the mood he was in, I told him I'd call the police if he tried to leave with them. He told me to do it as he was doing nothing wrong.

As I didn't want to put my kids in the middle of this, I told them to go upstairs. I went with them and we went in one room and locked the door. He threatened to take the door down if I didn't open it. I calmly told him we wanted to be left alone. He kept saying he was going to take the door down. Finally he left when I told him he was scaring the kids.

(He did leave but only after unplugging my computer and stealing the cord and keyboard so I couldn't work... my work is done on the computer.)

After this, the kids and I left and spent the night at a friends house. My H has never been violent, but has also never been threatening like he was in front of the kids before. They were scared and so we left and spent the night elsewhere.

He finally brought my computer plus and keyboard back, but came by unannounced, and as we are separated, I told him I didn't want him here and he had to leave. He began texting and calling me later but i ignored them. Around 9 that night he showed up again.

This time though, he was sobbing and crying and begging me not to leave him. I was considering moving back to my home state (about 4 states away) with the kids. I just had had enough. I don't believe in divorce, but I also need safety and security for myself and my kids. His actions made us all feel unsafe. He was not like I had ever seen him before. Sobbing, on his knees, apologizing and begging me not to go.

He told me he would stay away for as long as I liked. He said I could change the locks, file for separation, do anything I needed to so I felt safe. He wouldn't fight me. He wouldn't come over. He gave me his house keys. He was a broken man.

He stopped by again today to give me the side door key (he didn't have it on his key chain when he was here the prior night) and it was more of the same. He had called our pastor and set up a meeting for this week (which is huge as he has pretty much written church off int he past few months) and he had broken down at work when someone asked about his weekend.

I am just confused and unsure of what to do. I love my husband. I feel so much empathy for him. His PTSD was thought to be all combat related until two weeks ago when during an EMDR session, a rape from when he was six was discovered. I know part of his "outburst" must be coming from this new revelation. I don't want a divorce. I don't want him to suffer alone. I meant my commitment "for better or worse, in sickness and health). But I am also responsible for my three little ones.

What do I do? Do I stay? Do I go? If I stay, how do I protect my heart but also my kids. How do I know if this time is "for real?" I have NEVER seen him this way. He NEVER apologizes and never cries... let alone sobbs and begs on his hands and knees and apologizes relentlessly! I am just so confused and torn. Help!

 

[ronnalee]

SH I believe in miracles from God. I also believe God gives me 'hackles' that can get raised if I'm scared. Or a 'gut feeling' if something is going on around me. I have learned over time to listen to my body.

You can go back over your journaling here and dig a little deeper about your feelings that directed you to write what you wrote.

Also, read the articles on the home page here by Anthony, particularly 'the Stress Cup.'

I wish you well. Do take care of yourself. :tup:

 

[amethist]

Hi Standhopeful

From reading your post above, it sound like he hit rock bottom and became scared of loosing everything, you, your children his home everything.

If he has said he will stay away and is seeking treatment, in what ever form that is, then good for him. But do allow him to see you and your children when invited and in a good place in his head.

Give him some time to get there though, as it can be a long slow painful journey. Set some boundaries too, ones he is not allowed to cross.

Also try and explain to your children that he is ill, and that he will one day be the dad he was before, though with some differences.

Take good care of yourself and your children, and dont rule out him being back in your lives one day just yet. Maybe look at it all again seriously in 6 months time, if nothing has changed for the good, make a decision then.

It can be done, but it does take time and effort form both of you, working through it together where you can.

Amethist

 

[ISupportHer]

I wish I had a crystal ball. I read your story and I certainly hope there can be reconciliation if that is what you want. But make no mistake, YOU have to be safe. For you and your kids. I say that knowing that you are aware of that. Put it is also an aknowledgement that leaving, even temporarily, can be the right thing and you should feel no shame in it if it needs to be done.

I hope you get advice and support here. Well, I KNOW you will, but it is no replacement for some sort of support with a pastor or therapist, one on one.

I hope things get better.

 

[StandHopeful]

Thanks everyone. I am trying to set up safe boundaries while also allowing him to have contact with me and our kids. I want to believe this is the time of change. Praying it is, but also being cautious.

 

[Zipperhead]

So rock bottom. The realisation he is about to loose everything that he cherishes. The admission that it is his fault and he needs help. The computer plug was his last attempt at making you talk to him. He had something you wanted, and figured you would have to talk to him. The text messages being ignored showed him you were done talking. Returning the keys was his admission of defeat. Returning them in person, a last ditch effort at communication.

Stand Hopeful, I have seen this before. He is not in a good place. He has lost all hope. It is not your responsibility to save him. You are not required to do anything that makes you feel insecure. But anything you can share may just save his life right now. If you just take the kids away and move now, he will know there is no hope. Go with him to see the padre. Encourage him to continue therapy. And when he's in a better place, leave if you must.

As far as ignoring text messages, he is reaching out. Isn't that what you supporters say you want? It's little wonder that we veterans are confused when our efforts are ignored by the same people who claim we aren't trying. Did you read them at least? Please at least read them in the future. When it's time, he will most likely reach out and tell you before he ends it. There are already to many graves. Your kids don't deserve to lose their father yet.

 

[Eleanor]

(((((((Standhopeful))))))

No words of wisdom, just prayers for healing for your family. Scary stuff - but maybe a breakthrough for him? Is one of your children 6 by any chance? Can you and he talk to his therapist as well?

Stay safe.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((Standhopeful)))))

My best suggestion is to take care of yourself and your children. I'd get the locks changed on your doors, as he may have made copies.

Make your plans for the kind of structure you and the children need to be and feel safe. I suggest your priority must be on you, first, kids, second, your secure future third, and your hubby after that.

Keep getting healthier and maybe he will do the work and meet you down a healthier road.

In the meantime, though, decide what conditions must be met for him to see you and the kids, and stick to them. Hang tough...sounds like he may find his way through back to you. But that is all on him.

I have to disagree with Zipperhead. Repetitive texting is abusive, intrusive, manipulative, and in most states, illegal. It qualifies as stalking behavior.

You are under no obligation to read those and I hope you'll send him one saying 'if you text me again more than one time a (day? week?), I'm contacting the authorities.'

He needs to spend his energy seeking out and working with his T.

Be safe. Trust yourself.

 

[StandHopeful]

Hi everyone. It's been awhile since I replied and I wanted to update you on the situation. My mom came down to stay with me for a week from three states away. I am not ready just yet to walk away and call it over. I love my H and he loves me. He is sick and I said for better for worse, in sickness and health and I intend to stick by those vows. However, I need him to know his behavior that day was completely inexcusable. While my mom was here she talked to my H, and told him the next time something like that happens, I won't have a choice, she'll drag me and the kids back home with her.

Since that incident... three weeks ago, my H has not missed a therapy appointment and is consistent on his meds. He is the least romantic man possible and made valentines day on a memorable wonderful one for both me and my kids. He didn't come to the house at all for two weeks and now only comes by when invited. He doesn't push about talking to me or spending time with me, but is thankful for the time we do have together. He has taken all blame for what happened that day (a new one for him as there is always a "but if you wouldn't have...") and we are slowly starting to communicate on some of the marriage issues.

I don't want to be an idiot, but I truly believe that day was a turning point for him. Rock bottom? I hope so. His T seems to think so. He says my H is doing really really well in therapy. I am taking it slow but we're all doing well. My kids have all talked to a T and she says they are doing well too. For those who pray... we appreciate the prayers.

And Eleanor... yes one of my kids is six...the youngest one.

 

[Zipperhead]

It's a new day. Rejoice and be happy in it.

Praying that the healing continues, and that the two of you will find your way.

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((StandHopeful)))))))))

That sounds like a wonderful change! So glad you 'got through' in a way that gives your family a chance at a better life together.

His behavior DOES sound like he's realized what is important! Good for you for setting your boundaries but with an open heart.

Your kids are learning some wonderful life skills for dealing with difficult situations.

You have MUCH to be proud of. ((((((((clapping))))))))))

...and I do think the pattern matching of seeing his child at the age he was when he was raped may well been the 'melting down of the denial walls' that pushed him through the horrible traumatic memory wall. Gosh...your poor hubby!

 

[Eleanor]

Wow Wow and WOW. Such hopeful news! And good for your mother too. Really really good work on ALL of your parts. BTW - Bloom is a tough audience to convince! Best wishes for all your continued growth and healing. WOO HOO!

Keeping on sending the prayers....