General Serving in the military...regrets or not

[Brown Eyes]

Over the weekend my ex-vet and I had an in depth conversation...mostly his words about his past. We've had quite a few of these but this time was different since we are no longer together but keep in close contact.
As he explained about his life as a teenager, I learned more about his options, which were to attend college on a sports scholarship, continue to work or join the army. I would have guessed most young men, given the choice would go to college and play the game they loved in hopes of turning professional...right?
Well not this young man, he said most of the professionals he had the chance to spend time with were very miserable despite their financial security and their fame.
Needless to say he chose to join the Army and gave the reason so that he could make a difference and give back to people who needed his help. Of course, when I heard this I could not help but wonder...did he have any regrets with making that decision now that he knows his future after serving for 23 years and being able to retire in his early 40s. Yes, I was fishing to get him to talk about his mental state of mind as well as his physical. He is very blessed to have all of his 'bits and pieces' as he puts it.
Without elaborating very far he said he had no regrets and would do nothing different if he had to do it over again. Yes, he said taking into consideration his mental and physical state, he had a great life and career being in Special Ops. Being able to be his own boss after 4 years, traveling the world, usually in civilian clothes, being educated at every 'school' the government offered and being able to return home to raise his son who was 10 years old at retirement time.
I am curious to know how other vets feel about their decision to enlist and serve this great country. Being a civilian who is new to this, my guess would be that if these young people knew that as they returned home, their life as they knew it would be forever changed, there may be far fewer who would choose the military as a career.
Any input from sufferers or supporters is welcome!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I think my vet has mixed feelings. He loves the Army. He planned on being a lifer. I don't think he regrets his service at all. I think he'd do it again if given the chance.

He was also wounded in combat and was disabled for life before he turned 30. Who wouldn't have misgivings about that?

I'm not sure if he regrets serving as much as he regrets his injuries.

 

[Snowflakes]

I don't regret my time in the war.

I do regret what happened to other innocent civilians because of my actions. I try not to think about it. If you knew me in real life, you'd never know I was a veteran.

Every present service member and every veteran has my utmost respect and admiration. I am heartbroken over those that paid with their lives, their injuries, and their minds.

I have no regrets.

 

[Brown Eyes]

Every present service member and every veteran has my utmost respect and admiration.

They have my respect and admiration too. Even moreso now that I have chosen to educate myself on your/their heroics and the consequences that linger on.

 

[Brown Eyes]

I'm not sure if he regrets serving as much as he regrets his injuries.

Would he or any vet actually admit that they regret?

 

[Snowflakes]

@Brown Eyes I'm not speaking for sweetpea76 but will share my thought regarding your question to her.

I don't talk much about my experiences from the war much less talk about my feelings. I share a little here on this forum because of the nature of this forum being about PTSD. This forum knows more about my war feelings than my own family. Maybe the only other group I feel comfortable sharing with may be other veterans at the VFW bar down the street or in the waiting room in the VAMC during doctor appointments.

I guess what I'm saying that if your vet doesn't talk about what happened in the war or his feelings about it, it's not personal or trying to hide anything. I can't tell you why I don't and my experiences may not be the same as other veterans. Also, I'm a VietNam veteran so I think time has tempered and softened my feelings.

The fact that he shares with you is a testament of his trust in you.

 

[grimalkin]

Thinking about the veterans in my life...none of them talked about the wars in which they fought, beyond the general and broad ideas and experiences.

My grandfather was a Corporal in the Army, fought in WWII, was stationed in Iceland, and landed on Utah beach on D-Day. I know he was part of the liberation of Paris. I know his company encountered Russian troops that begged to join the Americans because Russia was so much worse. I know he cried any time he talked about his experiences in Europe. But details? They were few and far between. And he never talked about the other men/boys in his unit, battles, or anything like that.

My uncle was in the Air Force, and flew in Vietnam. He was stationed in Thailand, and my family knows little to nothing of his service there. We know he had a Thai girlfriend he wanted to bring home (and his mother told him to not bother coming home if he did that). And it was only through news that trickled out later that we pieced together the reason for his silence. My uncle is a deeply wounded man, and that says more than anything. At this point, he has shut out his remaining family from his life - I was about to say I don't know if he has PTSD (or was diagnosed), but maybe that he has shut out his family says it all.

My soon to be ex was in the Navy during Desert Storm, on an aircraft carrier. I know he was an electrical technician, but I rarely have gotten any information beyond that out of him, beyond their shore leave adventures. Ironically, unless he completely lied about his time in the Navy, I don't think his service contributed to his PTSD.

I don't think it's unusual for veterans not to share their experiences. As @Snowflakes said, the fact a veteran shares anything with their partner/family...that says a lot.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Brown Eyes, I think service is a matter of pride. I don't know many vets who would say they regret it even if they hated every second of being in the military while they were in. It's an accomplishment to finish a term. There are people who can't hack it. If anything I know more vets who regret not serving longer. It's hard to regret an accomplishment, even if it sucked getting there.

My vet actually went to his med board fighting to stay in. He offered to take any desk job they'd give him. The Army wouldn't keep him because of the severity of his injuries, and it crushed him.

He regrets being wounded. He regrets things that he did and saw. I don't think he regrets serving though.

If you want to know if he regrets serving, just listen to him talk about being in the service... not about any specific trauma or combat experiences. Just how he liked being in the military. Funny stories about military life in general. Things he misses. Go to the VFW with him and listen to them all joke and smoke. Chances are you'll see some smiles. It's such a culture unto itself it's hard to understand unless you're submerged in it.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Depends on the day.
Depends on the level of understanding the bigger picture of war being a racket.
Depends on the level of betrayal too I suppose.

If you're an artist or someone who uses the creative side of your brain. Some may say a "thinking man." I think it's a lot more difficult to digest. Having humanity and an understanding of right and wrong and then being consumed with hatred at the loss of friends. I'm always beating myself up for living on disability. Instead of lessening over time, depression and anxiety kinda amplified. You have this image of war and you and the enemy are gunna be clearly defined and hostile intent evident. But its like with any physical trauma I suppose if you got robbed or jumped its the startle and surprise and violence of action that overwhelms in the moment. That guy who was just chillen unarmed is a hidden combatant trying to get the drop on you or your buddies.

You don't get instant replays and do overs. Decisions are made in the correct time frame and if they aren't people die.
An you come home and listen to the silence of the four walls and the images and questions come up. No chance for verification, just knowing that at least everyone in your platoon made it back. But still the act doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel natural and you wonder if the big guy upstairs approves. Because we're all made in the image of God. Starts to feel like you're walking around with the mark of Cain. But if I was put back into that situation again right this minute I would have to make that same decision again. Rather be judged by the world than to live with the regret of not squeezing that trigger and letting my friends die in front of me.

I don't care what anybody says about "Guys who been in real combat don't talk about it."
Well sometimes I do lol. Must be an anomaly.
Would I recommend my choices to the youth? Hell no.
But did I listen? Looking back now Saving Private Ryan shoulda scared the shit out of me with all the gore but I was fascinated by it.
Part of my path, still working on acceptance though.

 

[Buttercup]

I do not regret my time in the Army one bit. In fact, it saved me from myself on more than one occasion. I have great pride in my service, and I know for most of my friends, who have never served or known anyone to have served, and who tend to be super liberal, they don't understand my feelings at all.

I am a pretty big pacifist, so it's hard for a lot of people to understand, but my time was spent serving those who had seen and experienced the horrors of war, and I wanted to give back to them as a medic and then as a psychiatric technician. I never came close to combat, but I am very proud to have been able to help and to have served those who have.

 

[Brown Eyes]

if your vet doesn't talk about what happened in the war or his feelings about it, it's not personal or trying to hide anything.

@Snowflakes My ex-vet DOES talk to me about his experiences and I thought this was a 'normal' part of a relationship. I now am learning from you all here it is extraordinary. Does it hurt me to hear some of the pain he experienced and does to this day? YEP. To the point that I wish somehow I could take some of the burden of pain from him. I think talking about it helps him, because as I stated in another post, he thanks me for helping him and getting him to the point that he actually does 'civilian things'. The things I DID take personal are the not following thru with plans and the many promises to go here, show me that and eventually...just canceling plans at the last minute. I now have a glimpse, of a better understanding, of why these things happen. Without the knowledge shared in this forum I would still be sulking and think he cares about me one minute and does not the next. If I dated a civilian guy who did not keep his promises or blew off plans with little or no explanation...he would not be my friend for very long.
In order to blend the civilian way and the veteran way...I must be given a reason. Not specifics but how am I to not take it personally?

Ironically, unless he completely lied about his time in the Navy, I don't think his service contributed to his PTSD.

@grimalkin How is anybody able to be in a relationship without trust? Is PTSD a reason to betray a loved ones thrust? I say no but I was only in this relationship for 5 months. Although we are still working on something...just not sure what.

It's hard to regret an accomplishment, even if it sucked getting there.

@Sweetpea76 Well put!

If you want to know if he regrets serving, just listen to him talk about being in the service

@Sweetpea76 Loving what you did and/or regretting the state of 'living' that comes with retirement is my question. Are the consequences you deal with when you are no longer serving worth the accomplishments while in the service?

you wonder if the big guy upstairs approves

@Dr.Knowbuddy This is a tough one...even to an atheist? Which I do not totally grasp.

Rather be judged by the world than to live with the regret of not squeezing that trigger and letting my friends die in front of me.

@Dr.Knowbuddy I do not know for sure that the rest of the world is judging. Who are we to judge if we have never been in that situation? Is there a chance sufferers assume civilians ARE judging them thus we are kept from the facts and truths which lead to broken relationships/families which hurt everybody involved? I honestly think I would pull the trigger to save my beloved dog. Just hoping I never have to make that decision. Who are we to judge?

Would I recommend my choices to the youth? Hell no.

@Dr.Knowbuddy This is the simple answer I was actually looking for. If today's youth were schooled about the suffering brought back from serving, would most of them still be eager to serve in the forces? Thanks for your honesty.

 

[grimalkin]

How is anybody able to be in a relationship without trust?

Thus the conundrum of PTSD relationships. My sufferer lies as a (mal-adjusted) coping mechanism, I think. That, and I think he honestly doesn't remember the details of parts of his life, so he makes them up. Also, he dissociates a lot more than he realizes, and lies to cover it up - there are things I verified the truth with other sources (his family and/or friends), and believe him when he says he remembers it differently.

I think when he and I first started dating, he lied a lot (and I learned to take a lot of what he said then with a grain of salt...to the point of, later in our relationship, asking point blank what the truth was), but as we progressed and he learned to trust me, the lying lessened. How do I know? I had to trust him. Stuff like finances, he couldn't lie to me. His past? As long as it wasn't going to directly harm me, it was past. And if it really was important to me to know the truth, I asked him, and verified it outside.

As far as his service goes? I know the verifiable facts (he served, when, where, and on what ship, what he actually did on that ship). There are things he told me at the start of our relationship that he now denies ever telling me, about his service. So...I let those things go. But, I do know he definitely does not regret his service, and actually has encouraged his sons to join up as well.

And then there's the trust (or lack of) a sufferer has as well. He was triggered, and stopped trusting me, and even after realizing it was a misunderstanding, "the damage was done." Which led to him dumping me at the one point in our relationship I ever needed him. So, well, I simply do not trust him now. He has done the same thing to me he did to all his other relationships, and the one thing he promised me he wouldn't do. How can I trust him?

So, how can we have a relationship? We can't. He can't trust me because his brain says I'm dangerous. I can't trust him because he's proven he's not trustworthy. Until he starts to deal with his PTSD, there isn't even hope of becoming entangled again.