Setting Boundaries

[anthony]

Setting Boundaries – Why doing less for your sufferer shouldn’t make you feel bad.

As a caregiver for someone with PTSD, you may think:

“Since the other person needs so much done, I’ll do absolutely everything I can for as long as I can.” or, “Because the other person is so needy, I will do whatever they want, whenever they want, for as long as they want.”

However admirable these thoughts appear, they can create problems for your caregiving. Here are two reminders:

You need to establish boundaries for your own good.

Yes, it’s true – the sufferer needs you. Yes, you can help, and yes, you may find meaning in doing that. But, no, you don’t have to do it all. And, no, you don’t have to do it to your own detriment.

Being always with another and doing constantly for another allows you no time to meet your own needs. And you have very important needs to be met. If you’re not careful, you’ll soon be on your way to exhaustion and burnout.

Some boundaries for you to set are physical. Some things are simply too strenuous for you to do. Some hours are too long for you to keep. Some chores you cannot continue to perform without relief.

Other boundaries for you to set are emotional. If you identify too completely with the other’s pain or fear or other strong emotions, you will be in danger of making them your own. Your responsibility is to handle only one person’s feelings – yours.

Remember also that setting limits to your caregiving will make room for other caregivers. Family members and friends may wish to share in these duties. It’s one way they can cope with what has happened, and one way they can show their love.

You need to establish boundaries for the sufferer’s good.

One way you can respect the other is to give them their own space. They need their privacy just as before – perhaps to read or mediate or write. They may wish to look out the window and do nothing at all. If you do not provide for this solitary time, the one in your care may not have the strength or the heart to do so.

The other person needs the freedom to do things on their own as a matter of self-esteem, and perhaps for continued recovery. If you insist on doing too much, the other has too little opportunity to flex their muscles. And there are several kinds of muscles they may need to flex.

Good boundaries give the other this added benefit: you can be a more objective presence in their life. Your insight can be more accurate and your feedback can be more useful.

All in all, establishing boundaries is one of the most thoughtful things you can do. It can even draw you closer together.

 

[Jade-]

As a suffer I can say that nothing makes me feel like shit about myself more than when everything is done for me. I'm not an invalid, yet I feel like one often. I know my husband means well, but if I need help, I will ask. I don't want to be babied, I don't want pity and I don't want things done that I'm capable of doing myself.

There are days when I need help and I'm not able to ask, and that's different. I appreciate things being done for me those days, even If I don't say it or acknowledge it. It makes me feel bad when I need help like that, but it is what it is. I can let go of feeling bad about it as long as I get treated like a normal person on other days.

 

[Jade-]

That was supposed to say "as a sufferer"