Let me start by saying I am working with a therapist and I talk with again next week but I am somewhat afraid of telling her where I am at because I do not want to end up in the psych ward on suicide watch and he pumped full of medications, and I don't want her to dismiss me, or be too concerned either, but I am definitely starting to put the plan together and I wish I had a terminal illness that was going to take my physical life so that I could apply forvassissted suicide.
The first time I tried to kill myself I was about 8 years old. I have suffered from CPTSD since I was 2 and half years old. At 8 I did not know how to take my life so I tried to choke myself with a nlet around my neck, it did not work. I also did not know that I was suffering from CPTSD, and would not understand what was so different about me from everyone else until I was 44. I am 48 now and looking at 50. I am in yet another failing relationship after having been alone for about 8 years. I just can't do this anymore.
It's too late. I am too old. I also have a work related neck injury, and its only getting worse, I have been three years waiting for the work comp doctors and insurance, and utilization review, and my attorney to get the medical care approved but it hasn't happened yet. I have been off work now for a full 8 months and am going into month 9, I probably won't have a job to go back to, even if they do fix me, and with my CPTSD, and my age , and if they don't fix me I just don't see how I can start over again.
I risked everything I had accomplished, it wasn't much, but hey, I accomplished it, I worked hard and I sacrificed, I persevered, and believe it wasn't easy at all at any time, because I love this man, but he doesnt believe in me, he doesnt believe in anything other than he is always right, and I am a lying, bat shot crazy bitch.
I attempted suicide 3 times when I was 12 and 13. I lived pretty much everyday of my childhood from 8 to 13 and half wondering if today was going to be the day my brother killed me, and with the majority of the others things that he did to me, having him kill me, although I didn't want him too, there were times I just wished he would get it over with already. Even after my brother killed his wife and himself when I was 21, I still had serious panic attacks for years after he died when I would see someone who resembled him., and I knew he was dead, I went to the intensive care unit to identify him and say goodbye.
Then I had a partial hysterectomy I believe it was at the end of 2003, and then in 2004, I was involved with a man who was mentally and emotionally abusing me by way of avoidance. I broke with him, and was doing pretty good, I felt strong, and then after about 6 weeks he sucked me back in and proposed. I did not know that he only did this as a punishment, having no intentions of marrying me, just making me go through the motions of planning a giant wedding in 2 and half months time, that he had no intention of going through with. I did not even want a big wedding.
When he cancelled the wedding I asked him to leave me alone for a couple weeks so that I could recover from the rejection so to speak, but he was at my door within 2 minutes (he lived up the road) and insisted I let him so we could talk. He said he still wanted to marry me but there was something wrong with me and I had to get myself fixed first. So I went the doctor and we'll he was the family doctor, and I was still keeping my silence for all intents and purposesbecause that's what I had been conditioned to do. The doctor gave me a depression test and I was severly depressed. He gave me drugs for it, then after 6 weeks he advised I could stop taking that drug and change to another, which he was wrong, you can't do that with the first drug, and sure enough I ended up being comitted to the psych ward because my fiance told them I was suicidal but at the time I wasn't.
But they believed him. Then they misdiagnosed me and over 8 months time they kept giving me stronger and more involved medication, along with a new mental illness each medication change. Well during that time I did try to kill myself. Interestingly I woke up and my roommate stayed with me all night while I vomited the 70 something pills I had swallowed, and my fiance did not insist on taking me back to the psych ward, instead I stayed in my bed for nearly a week, only able to get up and use the restroom and drink water or juice.
Eventually I weaned myself off all those drugs and although it had cost me my excellent job, my amazing home, and my reputation in the music business I was in, as well as having to move away and spend 2 and half years before I felt somewhat normal again...I lived through it. And this is what led up to my being alone for 8 years, and eventually finding out that I suffer with CPTSD.
Problem is that I have 2 divorces in my past both be for I was 21 and.I was a single mother of 2 children, both men very abusive. I. really believed this time the man I got together with was a good gentle living kind considerate affection man. I was wrong. He tries to be but he is always lashing out at me for what he thinks he hears me saying, and its ugly. He doesn't hit me, but it is mental and emotional and extraordinarially painful.
To get out of this relationship I will have to leave my home and pretty much everything I have behind, or if he leaves he will be leaving me in a financial hole and I will lose everything anyway because the lanlord is a very shwerd business woman.
I just can't do this anymore. I don't see how I am going to have a quality life at this point. SSDI IS NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE ON..and I have no friends who can help, since I have been with him all my friendships have disappeared where I live, and I am spook tired of dealing with this nightmare. I am of the opinion that I will never have a partner in this life and I will only have more trouble with relationships, work, and decent housing. I don't want to live in a bad neighborhood because it's all I can afford, there are too many triggers and too many hazards.
I just don't understand why it has to be like this for me over and over again. This man probably is the man I thought he was, but my stupid PTSD is too much for him.
I am weary of going through this, I am so disillusioned by the idea that I will ever be accepted and understood. My parents and my kids would understand and they wouldn't try to stop me if I could have an assisted death, and there isn't anyone that I know on this earth that wouldn't be surprised, and some thankful that my suffering was over, or their having to suffer me is over.
46 years of trauma and confusion, use and abuse , constant chaos and upheaval, failing relationships across the board over and over again... 42 years to finally have a diagnosis that explains why I suffer this, but no cure....only management, and then I must be alone, and all I ever wanted was to have a life partner that isn't a cat.
I have not given all the details of my childhood traumas, or the traumas of my teen years, or of the twenties, and just the one big one of my thirties, now in my 40s I am injured, and for the 50s, I get to be alone and unemployable, and friendless, with only the past to go off of as an indication towards hope for the future....
I am not asking anyone feel sorry for me, I just wAnt to be understood and accepted...
The first time I tried to kill myself I was about 8 years old. I have suffered from CPTSD since I was 2 and half years old. At 8 I did not know how to take my life so I tried to choke myself with a nlet around my neck, it did not work. I also did not know that I was suffering from CPTSD, and would not understand what was so different about me from everyone else until I was 44. I am 48 now and looking at 50. I am in yet another failing relationship after having been alone for about 8 years. I just can't do this anymore.
It's too late. I am too old. I also have a work related neck injury, and its only getting worse, I have been three years waiting for the work comp doctors and insurance, and utilization review, and my attorney to get the medical care approved but it hasn't happened yet. I have been off work now for a full 8 months and am going into month 9, I probably won't have a job to go back to, even if they do fix me, and with my CPTSD, and my age , and if they don't fix me I just don't see how I can start over again.
I risked everything I had accomplished, it wasn't much, but hey, I accomplished it, I worked hard and I sacrificed, I persevered, and believe it wasn't easy at all at any time, because I love this man, but he doesnt believe in me, he doesnt believe in anything other than he is always right, and I am a lying, bat shot crazy bitch.
I attempted suicide 3 times when I was 12 and 13. I lived pretty much everyday of my childhood from 8 to 13 and half wondering if today was going to be the day my brother killed me, and with the majority of the others things that he did to me, having him kill me, although I didn't want him too, there were times I just wished he would get it over with already. Even after my brother killed his wife and himself when I was 21, I still had serious panic attacks for years after he died when I would see someone who resembled him., and I knew he was dead, I went to the intensive care unit to identify him and say goodbye.
Then I had a partial hysterectomy I believe it was at the end of 2003, and then in 2004, I was involved with a man who was mentally and emotionally abusing me by way of avoidance. I broke with him, and was doing pretty good, I felt strong, and then after about 6 weeks he sucked me back in and proposed. I did not know that he only did this as a punishment, having no intentions of marrying me, just making me go through the motions of planning a giant wedding in 2 and half months time, that he had no intention of going through with. I did not even want a big wedding.
When he cancelled the wedding I asked him to leave me alone for a couple weeks so that I could recover from the rejection so to speak, but he was at my door within 2 minutes (he lived up the road) and insisted I let him so we could talk. He said he still wanted to marry me but there was something wrong with me and I had to get myself fixed first. So I went the doctor and we'll he was the family doctor, and I was still keeping my silence for all intents and purposesbecause that's what I had been conditioned to do. The doctor gave me a depression test and I was severly depressed. He gave me drugs for it, then after 6 weeks he advised I could stop taking that drug and change to another, which he was wrong, you can't do that with the first drug, and sure enough I ended up being comitted to the psych ward because my fiance told them I was suicidal but at the time I wasn't.
But they believed him. Then they misdiagnosed me and over 8 months time they kept giving me stronger and more involved medication, along with a new mental illness each medication change. Well during that time I did try to kill myself. Interestingly I woke up and my roommate stayed with me all night while I vomited the 70 something pills I had swallowed, and my fiance did not insist on taking me back to the psych ward, instead I stayed in my bed for nearly a week, only able to get up and use the restroom and drink water or juice.
Eventually I weaned myself off all those drugs and although it had cost me my excellent job, my amazing home, and my reputation in the music business I was in, as well as having to move away and spend 2 and half years before I felt somewhat normal again...I lived through it. And this is what led up to my being alone for 8 years, and eventually finding out that I suffer with CPTSD.
Problem is that I have 2 divorces in my past both be for I was 21 and.I was a single mother of 2 children, both men very abusive. I. really believed this time the man I got together with was a good gentle living kind considerate affection man. I was wrong. He tries to be but he is always lashing out at me for what he thinks he hears me saying, and its ugly. He doesn't hit me, but it is mental and emotional and extraordinarially painful.
To get out of this relationship I will have to leave my home and pretty much everything I have behind, or if he leaves he will be leaving me in a financial hole and I will lose everything anyway because the lanlord is a very shwerd business woman.
I just can't do this anymore. I don't see how I am going to have a quality life at this point. SSDI IS NOT ENOUGH TO LIVE ON..and I have no friends who can help, since I have been with him all my friendships have disappeared where I live, and I am spook tired of dealing with this nightmare. I am of the opinion that I will never have a partner in this life and I will only have more trouble with relationships, work, and decent housing. I don't want to live in a bad neighborhood because it's all I can afford, there are too many triggers and too many hazards.
I just don't understand why it has to be like this for me over and over again. This man probably is the man I thought he was, but my stupid PTSD is too much for him.
I am weary of going through this, I am so disillusioned by the idea that I will ever be accepted and understood. My parents and my kids would understand and they wouldn't try to stop me if I could have an assisted death, and there isn't anyone that I know on this earth that wouldn't be surprised, and some thankful that my suffering was over, or their having to suffer me is over.
46 years of trauma and confusion, use and abuse , constant chaos and upheaval, failing relationships across the board over and over again... 42 years to finally have a diagnosis that explains why I suffer this, but no cure....only management, and then I must be alone, and all I ever wanted was to have a life partner that isn't a cat.
I have not given all the details of my childhood traumas, or the traumas of my teen years, or of the twenties, and just the one big one of my thirties, now in my 40s I am injured, and for the 50s, I get to be alone and unemployable, and friendless, with only the past to go off of as an indication towards hope for the future....
I am not asking anyone feel sorry for me, I just wAnt to be understood and accepted...
