Sex And Feeling Pressured

[mary1979]

This is it exactly. I don't think it's so black and white as him being the bad guy and me the long-suf...

You would think he would know by now.
And by your tone and manner also.

But you know, how girls feel doesn't always compute in the mind of how boys feel.
He's thinking that swinging his wang round and singing im too sexy is the ultimate appropriate mating ritual and cant understand why you would view sex as ANY thing other than great fun.
And his gonads (ego) are deflated by your rejection.
Purely selfish and entitled and lacking in compassion.

Do you think he is capable of rethinking that?
Then he's worth not giving up on too soon.

 

[scout86]

So if I do agree is it up to me to say each time that I'm struggling or should he be aware enough now to know that I probably am?

I don't know him, and that matters. But, yes, there's a good chance you probably do have to say something. Because it might be harder for him to figure out what's going on with you than you think, especially when he's distracted, so to speak. Maybe some kind of safe word? ("No" would work.)

I think it's really easy to over estimate how easy it is for people to understand what we're telling them. Here's an example. I have a good friend that I've known for years. She's been taking medication for anxiety since she was in high school. She's a really nice person with a lot of empathy. She is one of the few people who knows I have PTSD and am seeing a therapist. One day, we'd met up for lunch. She was asking how things were going. I told her a story about a lady I'd had to work around one day who had me totally freaked out because she's a tiny little woman, apparently quite timid (in other words she reminded me of my mother) and she kept trying to get my attention by sneaking up on me and touching my arm. Usually coming from a direction where it was hard to see her coming. I said it was hard to keep from swinging at her, just as a reflex. My friend said, "I know JUST what you mean. I hate it when strangers touch me too." I paused. I thought to myself, "Maybe you know what I mean. I kind of hope you don't actually know how I'm feeling........" Then she, joking around, reached across the table and touched my arm. AFTER I pealed myself off the ceiling, she, with a totally shocked expression said, "Maybe I don't know what you mean."

The thing is, we take our view of the world for granted. Because it's our view of the world. Other people do that too. And, they may be super well intended and TRY to understand, but a lot of times I really believe they only THINK they understand. And we only think they understand too. So, if he's a basically nice guy? He might THINK he gets what a big deal this is for you, but I'll bet he doesn't. And I'm not sure how you get it across to him.

I really think you're approaching all this with a great attitude. I'd keep that up, if you can. Look for answers and new information, not a chance to assign blame, just like you're doing.

 

[Draiocht]

scout, that's a really good example of how he is. If we take a view outside of sex, it's clear that he can't quite grasp what I'm going through, even when he's not in "wang swinging" mode... One thing that is guaranteed to trigger me is being touched on the front of my neck (I can *just* about stand the back but it's borderline). Doesn't matter if it's a hard touch or a soft one, whole hand, one finger, doesn't matter. I feel like I can't breathe, there's a huge lump in my throat, I start floating out, you know? And I've told him this hundreds of times, literally hundreds. He is a touchy feely kind of person anyway and for some reason he likes touching my neck. Not for any sexual reason, just because. I keep telling him no, I explain, I repeat my trauma to him, I tell him how it makes me feel and react. He apologises, but then he does it again a week or so later. This information just does not compute with him. I think that's why this is so difficult - although I think as he rarely struggles in life with anything and he's never been abused he helps to balance me out in many ways, it can also be really upsetting and isolating to realise he just *can't* understand, for whatever reason. I'm glad he can't understand, but at the same time it makes me feel miserable. And even if he can't understand, surely he could be respectful of what upsets me regardless?

 

[scout86]

You would think that, wouldn't you?
I had a friend once who used to startle me a lot, thinking he was "desensitizing"
me. (He meant well.)
I wonder if your bf can get this or not? Maybe your T can explain it to him.

 

[Draiocht]

scout, that sounds awful :( It's good that you can see he meant well even though he was unwittingly hurting you - that's the kind of objectivity I'm trying to get to. With how raw things feel and how helpless it can feel it's hard to see things as they are sometimes but I'm trying.

I don't know if he can understand. My T keeps joking he's going to write me a script for 30 minutes of alone time a day for when I get home from work because I'm having that much trouble making a stand for some space of my own, to regroup.

Work was really getting to me about a month ago and I took a week off. I geared the whole time towards relaxing, as I am terrible at it and downtime scares me. It was a really eye-opening week and my boyfriend said how wonderful it was to see me be so calm and not-miserable (he calls me "grumper" because I am). I told him that's why I need half an hour after work to be alone, it would be working towards the same sort of state of mind, and he was very much in agreement at the time. But then when it actually comes to it, it's like it's too much hassle for him, and as I'm not used to doing it, it feels weird, and I'm not good at standing up for myself, I end up not making time for myself. It's a bit complicated as we live in a two bedroom flat with another couple so there's not a lot of room for us to be apart, not that he wants us to be. But it means I need our room for downtime, so he has to sit in the front room for half an hour - doesn't sound too demanding to me, but it's too much for him to go without putting up a fight.

 

[scout86]

The script might not be a bad idea! :)

This relationship stuff is complicated. Learning to ask for what you need, like that alone time, is probably part of the healing process and it's more important than it might seem. But, other people get used to us being a certain way and, if it works for them, they can be a little resistant to change. That doesn't make them "bad" it just makes them "people". If your bf really cares about you and your well being, he'll adapt. But, some people just don't have the capacity to understand. Also doesn't make them "bad", but it does make them unsuitable as partners.