Relationship Sex and intimacy. ?

[A13]

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a hard one.
I am struggling with making love and intimacy in my relationship... or lack there of.

My vet, who's diagnosed but currently not seeing his T has changed a little. We're a few years into our relationship, living together.

This is more so about me and how I'm feeling about it. Like all relationships we couldn't keep our hands off each other for the first portion. This slowed down a little but that's natural for a relationship. But I'm more concerned now as we are currently in reverse!!

The last 6 months I can count on one hand how many times we have been intimate and this is going to sound bizzare but it wasn't the same, the same connection or electric wasn't there. Almost like he was just having sex to tick a box.

Now i may sound a big box of crazy but last night we went to bed together. I was flirting with him before hand almost to test the water .. anyway we got into bed and I swear he turned round as quickly as he could have, distanced himself as far as the bed space would allow. So I just let it go and moved over so I wasn't putting pressure on him.
I lay awake and asked myself what the hell. What's changed so much.

I mean I have gained 1 or 2 kgs in the last few years, does he not feel physically attracted?

He's tired, But not one is that tired all the time.

Is he struggling in his own head

Is there someone else

I felt We were in a very intense sexual relationship, it was always good (I thought) but maybe was i not good enough...

About a month ago I bought some new underwear he usually liked lingerie!!
It's affecting my self esteem that I tired it on and stuffed it to the back on the wardrobe, because why would he be attracted by me anyway!!

Each time I attempt to initiate something. I'm shot down and I don't have it in me to try another time. I could have cried last night for some reason. I was ok with it 6 months ago but it's beginning to upset me now.

It's wrecking my brain. I got out of bed after he was asleep and got up for hours and had a cup of tea. I was thinking what have I done differently.

Can anyone else tell me if there has been anything like this with them, is there a reason. Why it's knocked my self confidence so badly?
Can I ask him about it or will he jump on the defensive. How could i address it?
Honestly, my needs aren't being met. I really enjoyed how compatible we used to be in the bedroom, and obviously it's not everything, but when your vet never really says anything complimentary and pushes me away on a weekly basis I'm beginning to take it personally.

Anyone who can relate please get in touch.

Thanks for reading

 

[Dominik24]

I know what you are dealing with. At least to some extent.

Just be warned, I don't have a solution or something like that either. And I am a guy, with a girlfriend who went through childhood trauma, so things are kinda different I think.

Anyway, the part I understand is, how the lack of intimacy makes you feel.

For me it's been 9 months since my gf and me had any form of intimacy. I know the reason, though, her back pain.

I know how it feels to look at yourself in the mirror and asking yourself, what's wrong with you.
Feeling unwanted or not desirable can do a lot of harm to your self confidence.
Thinking back how sexy and wanted you felt in the beginning. Then you start to look for reasons why that changed.
But there are none. At least not within yourself or on your body.

I'm struggling with it myself.
But at least knowing, that it's nothing to do with you may help you a bit. It doesn't change how you feel about it. But it may help to do the best for you, to feel better about yourself.

I'm back at the gym and eating healthy. I think it's easier to believe it has nothing to do with oneself, if you like what you see in the mirror.

If you get that smile back on your face, that you had while looking in the mirror before driving to your partner.

My gf told me, that it has nothing to do with me. It doesn't solve all confidence problems coming with it, but it makes it easier.

So, I don't know your husband, or you. But if he's the type of person you can have an open talk to, you could maybe try to talk with him about it. Just try to keep it away from the "you did/do..." type of discussion and stay to "I feel like..." sentences. That may prevent him from becoming defensive.

Just know, that there's most likely nothing wrong with you. That he still adores you. But just can't show it at the moment.

Hope you will be fine very soon :)

 

[A13]

This is a great reply, I appreciate it. It's funny really I just commented on your post! :)
I do focus on my self care, I'm exercising regularly, I bought a new bike and when I feel under pressure .. I go for a long cycle and 40 miles later when I arrive home it's like I've had a couple of hours to suss everything out in my own head. I'm trying but the negativity some how creeps in. I know he loves me, he tells me every day.. it's just hard when your such a young couple and I actually want to share what we had before, but it's unrequited I find the hardest. I want to thank you for your post!! :)

 

[Dominik24]

Yes I know what you mean.
Hitting the gym makes you feel good for a few hours. But then the feelings come back.
Thinking about the past with your partner becomes a 2 sided sword. It is great to think about those awesome moments. But at the same time it makes you miss those things you shared even more.

It's hard to describe those things, without sounding weak. And without sounding like blaming your partner.
It's just that, you have feelings too.
Sometimes I'm afraid she doesn't know how tough it can be for me, without her affection.

 

[A13]

I agree, I dislike showing my weak side, I'm always the strong one. The one who deals with everything so showing my weaker side isn't something I like to do.

It's hard too. If I mention something like it to my friends. They put ideas in my head that I don't need because they don't understand.. They just see their friend who bends over backwards to keep our home and relationship going and a guy who "doesn't care" ..
I know he cares, however I no longer confide in them because I don't want to slate him.

I don't want to make him feel bad, i know he doesn't intentionally bash my self esteem. I do feel like I need to talk to him about it. My partner is really bad at communicating, he takes everything as an attack and automatically jumps on the defensive.
I want to bring it up in a way that he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him.
I don't want him to think I expect it daily like in the beginning. I am realistic. I know that honeymoon period comes to an end.
It would just be nice to hear him say come give me a cuddle like before.
Or a random kiss on the head .. today I feel a bit upset about it. I might be best to wait until I can speak to him without appearing upset or tearful.
I'm wondering should we consider seeing a Therapist together, or is that too extreme.
I'm wondering is this change because he's not seeing his therapist, or just coincidence?

Too many thoughts today...

 

[Dominik24]

Yes, I feel what you are saying.

Those little signs of affection. Those seemingly small gestures that appear to be so big when it comes to ones own feelings of worthiness and importance to the other person.

On the other hand I feel selfish for feeling that way. Because she is suffering so much more, that my problems seem to small compared to it. But to my feelings it isn't a small thing.

 

[Mit]

I was saddened to read this thread. I'm the one in our relationship who has ceased to be able to be sexually active with my partner. I know she has gone through similar turmoil and thoughts as you. Obviously I don't know what may be causing his change in behaviour. In my case i never stopped loving my partner. My way of coping with my trauma meant that normal sex was no longer arousing enough.
Depression can kill off the sufferers libido, as can anxiety and anti depressants.

My partner confronted me about it several times and I always denied there was a problem, but we both knew I wasn't being honest. In the end my secret came out in a horrible way. Fortunately we are still together and now she knows about my issues and knows it's not about her at all our relationship is on firmer ground . I wish I could have been honest a long time ago. But I could never had told her. I felt too much shame.

If you are able to get him to talk about it, I'm sure it would help. I wish I could offer more constructive advice. Best wishes.

 

[A13]

@Mit
So glad you sent this. Thanks

I have brought it up and not unlike you, he blames it on tiredness/busy life, nothing is wrong. He turns it round on me,why is sex so important to you. As though I'm being unreasonable.

I don't want to tell him that through his coldness and isolation, sex is about the one thing that allows me to feel close to him. That magic connection until recently came back and It was one way for us to lie the rest of the night holding Each other. Where ordinarily he is usually no way complimentary toward me. So In a weird way sex was almost reassuring to me. I just can't understand why he couldn't actually tell me the real reason, Rather than making me feel like I'm being unreasonable trying to meet my needs.
He knows that no matter what he can tell me anything but perhaps he's not comfortable saying it, I'm not sure how I could encourage him to be honest about it.

@Mit. If this is too personal of a question don't answer it. How do you and your partner make it work?
For me intimacy is an important part of a relationship. I enjoy that part of our relationship and can't imagine living my life in a sex-less relationship at the age of 26&29

My partner was betrayed by his ex partner, she cheated on him as there sex life went stale. (Which I can understand now) I am not for a second condoning it and myself wouldn't cheat on him, as a cheating parent is what tore my family apart as a child. So that is a big NO-NO for me. I wonder is it a contributing factor, is it his PTSD, is it a result of getting injured on tour. (That was never an issue before with sex? But perhaps now... I have no idea??)

 

[Mit]

My partner and i still cuddle and kiss and touch, and are intimate in other ways. I can't engage in intercourse but there are other ways I try to give my partner a sex life. I don't claim it's as satisfying for her as perhaps it once was, but were a few decades older than you so sex isn't quite so important to us.

I can only achieve sexual pleasure through abusive fantasy. I can't ask my partner to engage with me in this, im too embarrassed and ashamed. My history is one of childhood sexual / medical abuse, hence my coping strategy. I'm not happy about our situation but until I can find a therapist or some other technique that can release me from this way of coping I'm stuck.

I'm no counsellor. I know I didn't appreciate just what my lack of intimacy was doing to my partner. I was in denial that I was harming her. I'm sure any therapist would tell him that a physical relationship of some sort is vital, even it's it's just cuddling.

He needs to know how you feel and take it to heart. Ask him how he would feel if you just suddenly stopped all intimacy.

I wish I could advise you better. Best wishes.

 

[A13]

Thank you so much, I know there can be some sort of healthy balance, it's just trying to find it. Your honestly has been so helpful, I appreciate it immensely. I wish you all the best!

 

[Friday]

You might find this article interesting

Young vets: Trouble in the bedroom

 

[A13]

This is a promising read, if anything it eases me focusing on it being something personal. Thank you @Friday