Relationship Sex and intimacy. ?

[newbie]

Thank you @Friday. This was a helpful read.

 

[kddemt]

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a hard one.
I am struggling with making love and intimacy in my relationsh...

I cannot offer any words of wisdom, nothing can make us feel better from the crushing blow to the self esteem that is rejection by our loved one in such an intimate way...

except "me, too"

is it me?
is it him?
is there someone else?
blah blah blah all in my head....silent tears every time he turns away. I don't know if his head is in Iraq or at his damn therapist's office or in a bottle or deck of cards or trying not to think about my stretch marks or squishy belly in comparison to some chick in a pornographic video on the internet....
I shouldn't complain, I get hugs and kisses and hand holding....right? isn't that enough?

Best of wishes my friend.

 

[A13]

I cannot offer any words of wisdom, nothing can make us feel better from the crushing blow to the self e...

@kddemt thanks for the post. It's such a difficult one. I think it seems worse because in the beginning we couldn't keep our hands off each other...
Fast forward to now there are days I barely get a grunt, so I went from the most important person to him, when we were just dating to feeling like a glorified housekeeper.
It did knock my self esteem and I felt as though I had lost a part of me. I could feel it and people commented how how I wasn't myself.
I know that's not my vets intentions, but it doesn't stop me feeling that way.
I have recently just been telling myself- that was then, this is now! Making comparison weren't helping me.
The last few weeks I have made a very conscious effort to keep happy, busy seeing friends, not to let the little negative thoughts in.
Getting back to MY routine, e.g. I went and got my nails done for the first time in 3 months. And I feel slightly better already. (I used to go fortnightly and I am going to start going again)

You said about the tears behind his back. That was me a month ago. I was constantly weepy. I mean in bed on occasions I recall lying in the dark, tears rolling down my cheeks and pretending I wasn't!!

I am all cried out!!! I don't want to cry any more tears. I'm not allowing myself to get dragged in, my emotions cannot be controlled by my vets moods. I was questioning my own mental health at a stage as I felt so low. I have made a few minimal changes and already feel the difference. I still love him the same, I am not giving up on him and it may seem selfish, but I can not allow myself to be dragged into that. How can I support him if I'm a wreck myself! ... I'm detaching with love. I hope this will enable me to find myself again.

This weekend I'm even going to pull a dress on and go for lunch with my sister I had even ditched my nice clothes to wear sweats or baggy clothes all the time... Not any more.

For now I need to keep on top of looking after me! I think you should consider the same. I promise it will allow you to feel a little more, you again.

Message me anytime if you feel down or need to talk!! :)

 

[kddemt]

@kddemt thanks for the post. It's such a difficult one. I think it seems worse because...

You are a thousand percent correct.
I need to take care of me and my mental health...

but I have entwined my feelings so deeply into what he is thinking and doing, for the first time in my life.
And I don't know how to unwind. (co-dependency anyone??)

Peers are noticing. I'm different. I'm moody. I'm not eating healthy. I'm not putting on makeup or exercising...
Oh look, I've turned into him. Lord Almighty I am 36 years old, a "grown up", I should know better.

Loving someone who is in the depths of Mordor is...ruining the carefully constructed facade of strength and independence I have crafted over the last several years. Beware the love? or Beware the PTSD? or Beware the sick man with his host of pre-diagnosis, pre-injury, pre-war co-morbidities?

We finally engaged in relations Saturday, for the first time in months. He asked me to leave, as he began to experience significant gastric distress with diarrhea. We have not spoken since.

I am very carefully, delicately, while trying to pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other to function as a member of society asking myself, when faced with indecision and anxiety and sadness...."what would old me do? If i'd never met him, if he was of no consideration whatever, as though he never entered my consciousness?" and going from there.

My thoughts are with you all. If you've found yourself here, searching for answers or insight like I was, Bless your Heart. And thank you Adm13, for your words, letting me know, I am perhaps at last looking at the entrance to the path of healing, peeking at the sign that says "Healing ---> xmiles." From a point in the path you have walked, I'm not totally lost.

 

[MrMoore43]

Hi everyone, this is a bit of a hard one.
I am struggling with making love and intimacy in my relationsh...

I am currently going through the same ordeal with my wife. She was diagnosed with PTSD please don't think it is you. I have many times thought the same thoughts. There is even a close friend of hers that she talks to all the time and for a while I thought it was an affair. I have since learned that we as supporters need to be strong and not take anything personally. Not even when they are not in the mood for intimacy. That's the toughest one yes, but eventually your significant other will want to make love and it would be the best in the world. Keep strong and close and give them space as they need it. that's what my counselor said to do. Also write down what was said or done when an episode, flashback, or argument occurs so that you can find the triggers to their episode.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi guys. Supporter here.

I find myself not as interested in sex lately and I'll tell you why....

J and I had a wonderful sex life up until about 6 months ago. He always wants it but it is difficult for me due to alot of the verbal attacks from him. It may take me a day or a week (or more) to finally forgive the things he has said in a rage.

It's difficult to process and move on sometimes and I/we need to build up the intimacy again. Any other supporters with the same problem?

Take care!!

 

[grimalkin]

Not quite the same problem - his sex drive took a nose dive fairly early in our relationship, but mine ended up almost non-existent as well because of the constant rejection from him. That, coupled with his...I guess prudishness is the right word, made me feel completely undesirable.

His words said in rage didn't kill it for me, it was the words (and actions) about sex with me that did. I suppose those could have been verbal attacks, though they felt more like "This is my opinion about your sexuality/body," so I didn't take them as attacks so much as...hell, soul-crushing.