blackbackpack
New Here
I just feel so lost and alone. I feel like Im being left behind. I feel like everyone around me has this sense of homeostasis in their lives, but Im sitting in the corner with a tornado sweeping through my body. I don’t think it is the tornado that is the worst part though. It has to be the fact that I don’t have anyone who understands what Im dealing with.
All the warning signs were shadowed behind a sense of freedom and independence so enticing I couldn’t keep myself from it. At the beginning, a few stone cold c*nts warned me of the hell I was about to descend into. But they didn’t know me. Their faces never smiled and their words were abrasive. I didn’t listen because ‘I was better’ than them.
It all started the first weekend I danced. All the girls talked about how the only girls who went in the back rooms f*cked. After sitting with a bachelor party, They paid for us to have a private room. When he asked to f*ck, I said yes. I thought I had to.
From that moment forward, I was changed forever. Everything I had believed about the world suddenly became a lie. This man was supposed to be getting married in the next 12-16 hours. Instead of anxiously waiting or spending time with his soon to be bride, he was there… f*cking me… some random paid for hoe whose name he didn’t even know.
From that moment forward, I have been unable to love. Its awful, because I really do love in my heart, but its like there is a force field around me that wont let me use that love or give into it. It feels impossible to trust anyone despite what the facts show. I want so badly to be held and be loved, but anything more intimate than friendship, I break down. The problem is, I don’t know why I break down. Everything becomes so fragmented. I become so scared of everything. I don’t know how to get a grip.
I don’t know how I cannot blame myself. All the situations that still haunt my mind, I chose them. I chose to stay. I knew when I should have left or not even entered the situations at all. I said yes when I could have said no. I was warned of the horrors I would encounter, but I didn’t listen. I was told I would be this exact person before I even took my first step on a stage.
I can't keep living like this. Its so embarrassing to talk about this because who the f*ck can't go to the god damn beach in the summer? I know life can be so much better than this. I have a consult set up with a therapist in two weeks, but Ive seen soo many over the years. Every time i feel like my issues are too much for them and they don't quite get it. They always ask the same roundabout questions. I try to picture what my life will look like if and when I get past this, but I freeze up and start to cry because I just don't see how I can ever be ok around sexuality.
All the warning signs were shadowed behind a sense of freedom and independence so enticing I couldn’t keep myself from it. At the beginning, a few stone cold c*nts warned me of the hell I was about to descend into. But they didn’t know me. Their faces never smiled and their words were abrasive. I didn’t listen because ‘I was better’ than them.
It all started the first weekend I danced. All the girls talked about how the only girls who went in the back rooms f*cked. After sitting with a bachelor party, They paid for us to have a private room. When he asked to f*ck, I said yes. I thought I had to.
From that moment forward, I was changed forever. Everything I had believed about the world suddenly became a lie. This man was supposed to be getting married in the next 12-16 hours. Instead of anxiously waiting or spending time with his soon to be bride, he was there… f*cking me… some random paid for hoe whose name he didn’t even know.
From that moment forward, I have been unable to love. Its awful, because I really do love in my heart, but its like there is a force field around me that wont let me use that love or give into it. It feels impossible to trust anyone despite what the facts show. I want so badly to be held and be loved, but anything more intimate than friendship, I break down. The problem is, I don’t know why I break down. Everything becomes so fragmented. I become so scared of everything. I don’t know how to get a grip.
I don’t know how I cannot blame myself. All the situations that still haunt my mind, I chose them. I chose to stay. I knew when I should have left or not even entered the situations at all. I said yes when I could have said no. I was warned of the horrors I would encounter, but I didn’t listen. I was told I would be this exact person before I even took my first step on a stage.
I can't keep living like this. Its so embarrassing to talk about this because who the f*ck can't go to the god damn beach in the summer? I know life can be so much better than this. I have a consult set up with a therapist in two weeks, but Ive seen soo many over the years. Every time i feel like my issues are too much for them and they don't quite get it. They always ask the same roundabout questions. I try to picture what my life will look like if and when I get past this, but I freeze up and start to cry because I just don't see how I can ever be ok around sexuality.
