Relationship Sex (lack Thereof) Help!!!

[miss Em]

S and I have been together for about 7 months. We have gone through a lot of rough patches with his combat PTSD and my assault PTSD and my BPD.

Sex has always been an issue. He's never in the mood. I want it three times a week and he wants it once a month maybe.

I can't bring it up with him anymore because he gets very frustrated that this seems so important to me and it isn't to him. I'm trying to hang in there but I just want to understand.

At first he said it was an emotional thing, so I have transformed the entire house into a more calming place and I don't ever burden him with my issues anymore. I even handle all the finances with food and grocery so he doesn't have to worry about it. He said he was too stressed and too tired so I started making sure he comes home to dinner and rubbing his back and then mostly giving him space.

Finally, I realized I just might not be attractive to him so I lost 20 pounds. I'm 5'10" 160 pounds now. Size 9 34 DD. I still have a long way to go but it seems like he is even less interested in sex than before and it just hurts my feelings so much. I'm not used to feeling so rejected and unattractive.

Even bought new clothes and dresses and lingerie and he hasn't really noticed or cared.

 

[Friday]

Is he taking any medication? A lot of meds will torpedo sex drive, entirely... While others leave the drive, but cause impotence, or inability to orgasm.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe it's not about you?

 

[Lucycat]

Doh!
Three times a year is more realistic. It is not about your measurements / lingerie/ clothing that matters it is about his mindset. If you cannot live with his need then forget it. Sorry that sounds harsh, but you cannot magic a libido that does not exist.

Been there, bought the T-shirt, but love my man so much that it does not matter. Closeness and intimacy is not just about sex.

 

[miss Em]

Maybe it came across wrong?
I'm new to this.
He isn't on any meds and doesn't want help, but I'm not going to leave his side no matter what.
I just feel terribly alone and confused about this. I just want to understand.
I know its not about me, all of my thoughts and energy are devoted to him. Hence the sexual attraction and loyalty...
I kind of want to know does this get better or is there something I can do to help? Or should I just learn to live with it

 

[Friday]

I kind of want to know does this get better or is there something I can do to help? Or should I just learn to live with it

If this is his normal / natural libido... Then no, it's not going to uptick, in fact a general / ballpark number is that sex drive tends to decrease to about 1:5 the frequency over time in a relationship (start out daily for the first few months/years then decreases to a steady apx once a week for the next 30-50 years is one of the most common ones. 5x a day people switch to daily. Once a week people switch to monthly. It's a very good ratio to expect for most people, although there are exceptions to every rule). If his libido is squashed flat right now though? Then god only knows what his normal levels are.

((The most common causes for loss of sex drive are Sleep Deprivation, Depression, Antidepressants, Stress. PTSD not only has those 4 as common things, but often adds other aspects, like triggers / avoidance.))

Whether or not one learns to live with a disparity in sex drive depends on a lot of factors, not the least of which being how important sex is to you in a relationship. Most partners have some disparity in libido (someone usually wants it more, someone usually wants it less)... But too much of a disparity is the basis for a lot of marital strife. And when either partner places a high value on sex (whether it's the having or not having of it) "irreconcilable differences" box getting ticked in divorce-land.

 

[Friday]

?.. it just hurts my feelings so much. I'm not used to feeling so rejected and unattractive.

From the everything-but-the-kitchen-sink list of things you've tried, and from the huge emotional toll / strong emotional responses to their not working... I suspect you're one of the people who places a high value on sex in a relationship. I could be wrong, but low value people rarely change anything for their partner -even when asked!- much less think of it themselves and on-mission carry out multiple attempts to change things.

- When it's the low-number person who places a high value, the strife tends to come from feeling constantly disrespected (nagged, pestered, harassed, manipulated, violated, etc.).

- When it's the high-number person who places a high value, the strife tends to come from feeling worthless (unwanted, unloved, unattractive, rejected, a burden, etc.).

..., but I'm not going to leave his side no matter what.

These are all Big Ticket issues in a relationship. Like having kids (or not), where one lives, how money is spent, how time is spent. So while I'm not saying you "should" break up with him... I would very much urge you to rationally look at whether or not this man -with his libido as is- is someone you both could be happy with in the long term. Especially as this is still a very new relationship of only a few months. Generally, problems get worse over time. Not better. When a thing is this much of a problem, this early on? Sex is a legitimate aspect to relationships. Meaning that often times we break up with good people (ideally, we only date good people!), not because there's anything wrong with them/us, but because it's quite simply not going to be something that works for either of us, long term!

 

[Sighs]

Excellent advice as always from @FridayJones!

 

[Julesnaz]

I've been in his shoes and I can tell you the more you push the more he will not want sex. I had no sex drive with my ex after being together for a bit, but that was because I felt like his mother. The more he pushed and made comments about it the less I wanted it. Now that I'm not with him im much happier and my sex drive is back. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Ketamine Dreams]

Yeah, there is not much you can do to change how he feels about sex. Be supportive and see that he gets proper treatment. You are doing light years more than an average wife would do for their husbands. The problem is you won't feel appreciated for those efforts. It's hard not to take it personally, I know I feel the same way with my wife, but to you it is personal.

Honestly I have given up trying to initiate and the frequency hasn't changed much. I assumed it would disappear. My only guess is that my wife is concerned I'm checking out. Idk. It's a tough spot to be in when you desire intimacy.

 

[TonyG]

As I lay here in my single bed in the spare room, My snoring, Restless leg syndrome, and flashbacks with me waking up in terror have caused my wife many sleepless nights, Married 25 years, Its not very important in the current situation.

 

[HBW]

I'm may be like him. I suffer from Ptsd and a lack of having sex with my wife. I can't even say it's a lack of sex drive. I still don't really understand it. I'm attracted to my wife. The best way I can describe it for me is I'm lost in my thoughts and time flies by. For me it's loud noises or someone or something rushing up to me quickly. My brain goes into a kind of shock, heart races and I now I can tell whats going on but have no control when it comes to stopping it from going into that mode which isn't every day but might as well be. Months go by and to me it's not a big deal, it might as well be a day. My wife is an amazing person. She puts up with my crazy all the time. For example, not only do I not have sex but I fail to make basic normal daily survival choices because keeping track of schedules just isn't even on my radar. Do not take me wrong, it's a problem. One that may end in divorce unfortunately. I hope not. We have been married for a very long time and this has always been a problem but continues to get worse. Which is why I'm on here now. Trying to find out if there is anything I can do to alter my self. Anyone have any recommendations? I already practice martial arts, rock climbing, yoga etc... I use a worksheet that we made together to track my daily activities( helps a ton), I take vitiamins and fish oils which really seems to make a difference for the people around me. It's very strange because my wife notices a difference in what I accomplish in a day when I take them but to me nothing has really changed. I feel like everything is the same. But as long as others around me see positive benefits then I'll keep up the regiment. Having said all this, what I haven't tried is prescription meds. I'm more afraid of side affects and what the outcome will be when I go down this path. Maybe it would be great but the thought makes me want to run and hide. Anyone have positive results and recommendations by choosing to take meds? I hope you find a solution that works for you ms Em. I feel for you guys. It's not fun and i can almost promise you he is torn up over it too. At least I know thats how it makes me feel.