Sex when i said no

[Abi20]

Right.
This morning me and my boyfriend of nearly a year where fooling around, i got on top of him and he started asking for me to have sex with him, i said no as i was in pain, he kept on asking and asking till he put his penis inside of me, being me i went along with it, after serval times me pulling him out and saying "no sorry i cant, i hurt too much" i got off him.
This obviously bothered me all day.
So im walking home and i start thinking, did he rape me?
My boyfriend is the most caring, sweet kind guy u would ever meet, and i know for a fact he would never do anything to hurt, harm or upset me, i just know it, this is the first time he really did this, and then before all of this i told him not to touch me due to me being in pain, yet he did anyway.
He didnt listen and i had to pull his hand away and tell him no again.
what do i do? what actually happened? i cant think right now because i trust him so much and i know he would never hurt me like that, but he did.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Sounds like he definitely crossed the line, he disrespected you showed no respect for your decision your consent. You said no- and no means no. Consent isn’t something to take lightly he obviously didn’t listen. And he knew you were in pain you told him you weren’t well and he still didn’t listen. And most importantly this was a big deal to you which makes it very important, if it upset you then it was definitely something that shouldn’t have happened

 

[Abi20]

Sounds like he definitely crossed the line, he disrespected you showed no respect for your decision you...

It definitely has upset me, but the thing thats getting in the way is that i know for a fact that he didnt mean it, i know that he didnt mean to carry on, thank you for your reply

 

[Deleted member 40995]

It definitely has upset me, but the thing thats getting in the way is that i know for a fact that he didn...

Would you feel comfortable bringing it up with him and telling him you didn’t like and weren’t comfortable with what he did this morning? Even if he didn’t mean to hurt you, it did and it upset you, if he’s a good guy he will not repeat it in the future if you discuss why you weren’t ok with what happened :) doesn’t have to be a big discussion, just telling him that isn’t ok to do when you say no

 

[nowthisisme]

I was in the same position as you at one point with my husband. He is the sweetest kindest person i know and we've been married 12 years, we had a very good healthy sex life, if not daily, almost every other day. We never said no to each other, we just knew when was a good time and when wasn't, we were able to sense when the other person wasnt in the mood.

Anyway, over a year ago I began getting bad flashbacks and sex became so hard for me, I was never into it and started saying no. When he would keep going i would just go along. I just couldn't do it anymore, I needed my body space and time to workout my issues.

With the help of my T i was able to straighten out my feelings and triggers. The solution with us was talking, I just had a casual conversation with him about me saying no.

We were just relaxing on the couch and i told him i was uncomfortable with what happened last night, I reminded him that I loved him dearly and found him really attractive but i have to sometimes say no and i need him to listen and respect that. It worked, he understood and now when i say no he stops and we just cuddle.

I defentily advise you to talk to him, be honest and brief, if he's a good guy he will understand. I personally wouldn't consider what happened as rape but he defentily crossed the line and it should be brought to his attention.

Good luck!

 

[EveHarrington]

Google “tea consent”.

Show it to your partner.

Hugs.

 

[nowthisisme]

Google “tea consent”.

Show it to your partner.

Hugs.

LOL LOVE IT!

But i kinda want tea now :roflmao:

 

[Gs172003]

It definitely has upset me, but the thing thats getting in the way is that i know for a fact that he didn...

Then why are you asking? If you don't think he was trying to then what's the issue?

 

[Suzetig]

I think it’s a tough distinction to make in all honesty, you said no but you were on top of him, presumably in a state of undress if he could put his penis inside you and you went with it for a while and then stopped and got off him. I think it’s at best giving mixed messages to someone if you’re lying on top of them, naked and saying you don’t want sex especially if the relationship is intimate in nature already. Why not move off of him the first time you said no?

Yes, he should have stopped when you said no, but you also said you went along with it - again giving a mixed message about what you wanted.

I think it’s worth talking to him about it but do be prepared to hear his side too, if your experience of him is that he is usually respectful of you, I’d put this down to experience and be clear that he needs to hear you saying no, regardless of what else is happening at the time - but I’d also be taking responsibility for my part in it.

The whole tea consent thing is a good analogy but it only goes so far and doesn’t account for relationship dynamics and the way we read unspoken sexual signals in intimate relationships. Using that analogy you were sitting there with your full teacup at your mouth, sipping on your tea, saying you didn’t want tea but not putting the cup down either. People could be forgiven for thinking perhaps you did want tea after all - even if you really didn’t.