Sex With My Husband, Now I'm Reeling

[Digz]

Hi all,

So, my PTSD generally makes me, what I like to refer to as 'asexual'. It's such a huge thing for me and so full of triggers, it doesn't happen very often.
Last night I had sex with my husband (sorry for the overshare!). I felt so happy and close to him last night. It was nice to connect with him on that level. I did have one triggered moment, but was able to overcome it.
Today though, I feel terrible. My brain is trying to tell me that it is wrong and bad and I'm disgusting. I'm trying to tell myself it's normal. It's made harder by the fact that I'm also DID, so the child part of me is kind of split from the rest of me and this is the part that really struggles to deal with it. This part hates me having sex and doing anything sexual. It's so hard, I'm split in two, but I feel every emotion of this 'child part' and it makes me feel so devastated, so anxious and the words disgusting keep coming into my head no matter what I do.
I hate being so complicated. I hate that what should be a special thing between my husband and I becomes horrible. I hate that my husband has to deal with this fallout just for making love to his wife.
Grrrr. I freaking hate PTSD. Wouldn't it just be nice if we could have a day off occasionally?!!

 

[macbeth]

I think you just wrote that post on my behalf @Digz. My partner and I have been together for 8yrs and I feel a lot of guilt because our sex life is pretty much non existent. (My issues relating to sexual abuse and rape). He is remarkably patient but he still has needs. Sometimes I have to push through my issues to address his needs and vice versa. Somehow I feel blessed because he's stilll sticking by me but I can relate to all of what you described. Hang in there hun. :hug: s

 

[Digz]

Thanks @macbeth . It is hard. It's not like we can help our issues, but you're right - you can't help but feel guilty when your hubby is so patient and understanding. They are only human, after all! Don't get me wrong, I am blessed to have my man, I just wish I could give him more in this regard.
Thanks for your message. My issues come from similar trauma - it's nice to know I'm not the only one experiencing this problem!