Relationship Sex With Ptsd Combat Vet (warning: Somewhat Explicit!)

[Ablack835]

I apologize in advance for the frankness but I'm very perplexed and I couldn't really find any answers on the web:

This weekend my vet and I had sex for the first time. It was great! I felt very comfortable and uninhibited even though it was my first time in several years, which I discussed with him before hand (it had been over a year for him.) We ended up having sex for 2 1/2 hours that night and then about an hour the next morning and he never "finished"! At times it seemed like he was actively keeping himself from release and other times it just seemed like he couldn't. I didn't climax either but I don't always so I knew it was nothing out of the norm for me. He seemed to be enjoying himself as did I, and he didn't have any erectile issues. Side note: he claims that he doesn't masterbate but does watch porn, although I don't know how frequently. He did however, stop a couple times saying I was almost too tight. I reluctantly asked him about it as we parted ways and he says he doesn't usually climax, his reason: it's gross (He does have issues with personal hygeine. He showered 3 times in the 24 hours we were together.) He also said that he just enjoys sex whether there is a release or not. I've been with my share of men and I've never come across this. I can't help but internalize it and think maybe I just wasn't doing it for him (I'm bigger than the women he's been with in the past.) I have no clue if he's on any meds that may be the cause. From some of the research I did I found that it can be common for combat ptsd suffers to have sexual disfunction but most of what I came across was about erectile disfunction which is not an issue for him (we can't even makeout without him getting an erection.) Could this be related to the PTSD? If so, is it a control issue? Like he just can't let go? I know it's sounds really egotistical but I'm feeling like for whatever reason I just couldn't please him and he's sparing my feelings. On top of that I'm haven't heard from him a whole lot since the deed was done, just a few, albeit upbeat texts, so I'm feeling needy and vulnerable right now but I'm trying to wait for him to initiate further contact.

 

[Samantha_38]

I read a thread on here quite awhile ago about a male with PTSD who had kept himself from sex for so long that it became "gross" for him. The thread talked about how he'd watch porn and masturbate and that could be "clean" but the thought of everything "fluids" that occurs during actual sex grossed him out. He was with someone who he felt he wanted to be with but couldn't bring himself to do it because of how dirty it felt to him. I wish I knew what thread it was so you could read it because it sounds similar. I'm a sexual trauma victim and I get triggered by sex but it's not because of the hygiene part of it. The trigger itself though can cause flashbacks that make me feel "dirty" just like I did directly after the trauma. At that point I will take many showers, and besides my own hygiene I'll start cleaning my house and things too. I hope that helps a little. I wish I could find that thread though. I'm not sure how common it is, but at least its something that's heard of if someone else was writing a thread about it.

 

[Samantha_38]

Found it...

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/sex-is-kind-of-gross.39744/#post-645997

It's not completely how I remember, I guess he was having sex and found it gross. It may give you some insight, but it could be completely different for this guy vs. the Vet you're with too.

 

[Justmehere]

As far as his ability to ejaculate or not, it could be due to everything from nerve damage to SSRI medication side effects. It could be Parkinson's or diabetes or cancer. It could be due to many things, including the stress of intimacy. He should consult with urologist for a full work up to be sure what is going on. There is no way anyone here can diagnose and it could be very dangerous to assume it's the PTSD or an emotional control issue without first having a work up by a doctor.

The repeated showering and other hygiene related behaviors sound like PTSD or OCD or some other anxiety based problem.

In light of his other behaviors that seem to point to a lot of anxiety about being close, this is likely another sign that he is overwhelmed and anxious about intimacy in any form, physical, emotional, or sexual.

Trauma can make love scary, overwhelming, or gross. I don't think it has anything to do with you other than how close you are to him and that the closer you are, it likely triggers more anxiety due to the effects of trauma.

 

[Samantha_38]

One last thing I thought of. Showers are pretty good grounding technique. So good that I have used it as a grounding technique before I knew what grounding techniques were, and it actually worked for me. There aren't many that do. I have literally come out of dissociation mid-shower that I don't remember starting, it's something I naturally gravitate towards. If he's stressed out, or triggered by other things, he might be using it to ground. It sounds like you've been supportive of it anyways which is terrific!

 

[TXbandit]

I think you may be being to hard on yourself. He may have been focusing on pleasing you or as justmehere said it may be a side effect of SSRI. Most SSRI's at the top of each each side effect list it almost always says sexual dysfunction. I have problems with my meds in that area. It's not not easy to talk about with someone that you are about to do the deed with. Maybe you should talk about it the next time you two get together if it is still bothering you. Just be careful how you bring it up. It may be a difficult subject for him.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I myself suffer with erectile dysfunction now, I have no idea why though. Possibly med's related, possibly down to being catheterized in Intensive Care last year.

As TX has said above, this could well be that he is concentrating on pleasuring you more than worrying about ejaculating himself.

Kindest regards and :hug:s if you accept them

Laurie

 

[Ablack835]

He didn't seem grossed out by anything except when we started to sweat which didn't happen until the end of the morning session. I would like to think he was so concentrated on pleasing me that he put his own needs aside but in all honesty he asked me every once in a while if I was okay or if he was hurting me but other than that he didn't seem that concerned with whether or not I was being satisfied. And there was no problem with him getting aroused.

 

[TXbandit]

If he was asking you if you were ok and if he was hurting you, he was most definitely concerned if you were satisfied. He wouldn't have asked if he didn't care.

 

[Justmehere]

All the medical problems I listed above are possibilities for men who can very much become aroused, just like him, but can't or don't ejaculate. Arousal does not always equal a physical ability to climax and/or "release" during sex. This is true for men and women.

I think you should look at both his behavior and your reaction to him in the later context of the whole relationship that you describe in this thread: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/new-relationship-with-a-combat-vet.48998/#post-780700

I think that your feeling that he doesn't care about you is a natural and normal outcome of him chronically abandoning you and the relationship on an almost daily basis, and that perhaps you are naturally extra concerned about if he really cares about you at any sign of disconnection. I would be wondering the same things you are, but from an outside perspective, I don't think it's really about you, but him and all his anxiety about being in a relationship (and possibly a serious medical or medication issue.)

None of us can say for sure what is going on for him medically, physically, and especially not emotionally. No one but him can say what he is thinking or feeling towards you. I can understand why you feel especially concerned and confused with all the other mixed signals he gives all the time and because he breaks up with you after every single date, and almost every single night.

It might help for you to tell him in a gentle but clear way what makes you feel cared about during sex. Maybe he didn't do it because he just doesn't know. I sometimes fall into attempting to "mind-read" others when I feel insecure in a relationship myself - and it's never a good idea. Try not to read his mind, or expect him to know what you are thinking or want, or to even know how to show his care for you, unless you specifically and clearly tell him. I think this is especially important to tell him in light of how much he struggles with being in a relationship at all. He may need more guidance from you on how to show care for you. This was a big step in intimacy in the relationship - and he has already shown that he has a pattern of pulling close to you and yet also pushing you away. This could be more of that.

Whatever the reason for his behavior, I hope you talk to him about how you are feeling. Most/many PTSD sufferers really need our partners to tell us directly and clearly what they are feeling, any concerns they have, and what they need in the relationship.

I also think it's worthwhile to look into not just what he is thinking and feeling, but really look at what you are thinking and feeling and how your own pain over past abandonments may be factoring into the picture too.

If I'm totally off the mark, please feel free to disregard.

 

[TonyG]

As a man I can tell you there's not allways a happy ending but very pleasurable just the same, Planned sex never does it for me, spontaious tearing clothes of on the way to the bedroom is better for me, wam bang thank you mam, been married for 25 years same woman, sitting down talking about it kind of takes the edge off it.

 

[StarChild]

He did however, stop a couple times saying I was almost too tight.

That's a typical sign, that he or rather his penis gets overexcited during penetration. That's no big deal. He should wear a condom, (which lessens the sensation of friction on his glans). And although this may sound like a contradiction to what you want "achieve", please look for condoms with a climax controlling / delaying lubricant. (You can google that) - Such condoms will reduce / numb a bit, the overstimulation he feels, when moving inside you. :tup:

Oh, and there's something else; A full bladder also can cause this phenomenon during sex... And another point: Sometimes one (woman as well as men) can simply get "to horny" during sex, and this inhibits the ability to orgasm. Then it would be best, to stop for a few minutes and let things cool down a bit. :wideeyed::happy:

I hope, my post was a bit of help for you. :)