Sex With Therapist

[Vizok]

Yes totally agree with Sufef.

Do you by chance wield alot of power in your life?

 

[Ginan]

Yes totally agree with Sufef.

Do you by chance wield alot of power in your life?

Wow, this site is a trip. The insight here is incredible. You and Sufef may have hit the right target. I do have a bit of power, I own several properties and direct a few complex businesses and have done so since I was fairly young. I am very detailed and controlling by nature(or as a product of this trauma). But I am very oddly not this way in therapy. I have terrible anxiety even considering sitting in the chair that is slightly higher up than him. I always sit across the room in a smaller chair. Once he suggested I lead a breathing exercise when I was getting really anxious in session and the thought of directing him at anything almost put me over the edge, I nearly threw myself at his knees and begged him for forgiveness for the thought that I would ever challenge him or direct him. I was completely reverted back to this cult like experience of worshiping and begging for forgiveness. I can't stand the thought of being in charge of him, it's terrifying. My trauma was very much around complete surrender to someone that wouldn't let me even blink without threatening to kill me. I had to be extremely submissive and degraded.
But, now that you mention that about sex and power, there is this odd relief when I think of feeling I have some control over him. It's not terrifying to have control over him sexually. I don't understand that because I never had normal sex during my trauma. It was all painful and terrifying. But something about having sex with my therapist does feel very empowering. I can't believe I never realized that before. I always want to have sex with him when I'm dissociating the worst. I assumed that was just a because I felt so frozen and desperate for connection but maybe it is more because I am so damn vulnerable when I'm like that and the power over him would help me. Very strange. Not sure what to do with this information but I will think about this a lot, I am sure. Thank you.

 

[Rikubo]

Ubali's post just 2 above is accurate. If you are disassociating in session, it is proof that he is note a safe bond for you. It is hard to let go of a therapist, and sometimes it is the best thing to do.

Have you ever heard of people wanting someone they care about to be different than they are? This is what is sounds like you are wanting.

Investing in someone whom you more fully relax and can more fully associate with, is a great idea, and a kind act towards yourself.

 

[Ginan]

This guy is a joke.

Do whatever you want in there, it's not going to matter. Hopefully it will help you get out and ge...

And another thing on this topic of power, yes you are so right, I chose a male therapist to bring all this male specific trauma too in part because I felt I didn't have any leverage with a woman. On some level I knew I could control him with sexual desire. Not sure why I would want to do that when I really truly didn't want to have sex with a therapist. I delayed starting therapy for a year mostly because I didn't think I could stop myself from sleeping with them. So confusing.

 

[Kejor]

I was honestly relieved it was an option, like, if I come on to him this might actually happen and I NEED that. But at the same time, when I found this therapist I looked really hard for one that I didn't think would take me up on a come on because I knew how sexually intense this was for me. He was the safest person I could find.

I'd suggest connect with a female therapist who is trained in trauma who can consult with you on how to handle the situation and get away from this therapist.

It's going to be hard because despite it all, because your subconscious was driving the picking of the therapist and even the way you wodo see the question you wanted to ask isn't safe and to do when the therapist can't hold boundaries and you are super tempted to engage in sex with him if he offers.

Your subconscious is working hard to try to resolve the pain of the past with a new caretakey creep. I tend to be drawn to abusive people too - they seem great until a friend tells me, "wtf, this person is terrible." Then the lightbulb starts to come on.

The dissociation is a sign of being overwhelmed, usually with fear. It's one of the four trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze dissociation) or fawn. Your desire to throw yourself at his knees is a fawn trauma response. They are all ways to survive trauma and a safe non-predatory therapist would be explaining all of this to you and helping you work through this in new ways. Not suggesting he wants to have sex with you.

Please don't go back alone or without consulting a healthy female therapist first on how to handle handle his from here.

This guy is really out of bounds.

 

[Sitid]

I mentioned this in therapy and he didn't seem to say this couldn't happen. He actually made a joke about how it's possible he could want it, too, but we changed the subject.

I think he is manipulating you. The education a therapist provides insight into the human mind that most people don't have. Most therapists use this for good. a small handful use it to manipulate people. The way I see it, he is using human psychology against you. I don't think you are crazy, I think you are someone who is having their mind f*cked with.

 

[Defu]

When you are preoccupied with this, what genuine work toward progress are you avoiding?

Can you pause to consider that it could indeed be a recreation (though presumably safer but still taboo or unethical) of trauma?

Can you recognize that sexualizing the situation and the ideation is a detriment to therapeutic progress and what it says about your own sense of self worth?

 

[Bulemej]

I think that I'd spend some time thinking about the number of responses received versus the "idea" that sex with your shrink is therapeutic and self examine rigorously about some hefty denial and possibly shooting yourself in the foot by sidelining your treatment in this manner.

I'd also suggest that due to what you've shared (opening poster) about your situation that a sexual relationship with anybody at this time should perhaps be off the table to break old behavior patterns and get some self efficacy and autonomy instead of bargan/wheel/deal with your sexuality.

 

[Lavuf]

On some level I knew I could control him with sexual desire. Not sure why I would want to do that when I really truly didn't want to have sex with a therapist.

I'm going to guess, because you were controlled by someone else who had complete control over your body.

I don't think it matters which end of the power dynamic someone was on, in their trauma. You said you couldn't even blink without being threatened. It's just as easy to replicate it in your future life, as it is to flip it. This isn't about wanting to act like the person who traumatized you - it's about having internalized some way of understanding what was happening, what your 'job' or 'role' was, vis-a-vis that person.

That internalization then becomes, when I am in control, I am safe. And sex is an especially relevant form of control, for someone who was sexually assaulted. You're wanting to find security in that control.

Also, it makes your therapist culpable. You then will have something of his that no-one else has - he will have violated ethics for you. This makes you also gain power, in privilege.

The challenge would be to attack the smaller things you mentioned. Sit in a taller chair, and process through those dissociating feelings - stay present, and survive it. That would be a good use of a session.

Others are mentioning you should find a woman. I don't think that's true, necessarily. I'm not sure it would change your point of view on it. Even if you decide not to go with this guy long term (he frankly does not sound like he's very good, and your trauma sounds intense) - being able to own the fact that you are the client, it's about you, and you can talk about your shit without feeling like you need to duck and hide because something bad will happen - you could work on that with this guy, and it would be time well spent.

 

[Uze]

Others are mentioning you should find a woman. I don't think that's true, necessarily.

I agree. I have a male therapist and have had sex with 2 previously. Females terrify me. I'd never be able to trust a female therapist. But furthermore, erotic transference can happen with a therapist of the same gender even if both are heterosexual. Actually many talk about it in here.

I don't think you should stay with this therapist as it is clear he has no clear boundries and I am VERY worried about his reactions but when you find another therapist, I wouldn't say you must go with a female. You can but I wouldn't say it's a must. But I would be damn sure that boundries, clear and stern, are set from day one and that you are open with these thoughts and what the therapist's responses were, etc.

It is scary and hard to change therapists and I would never advise it but the two times you had advised of his replies to you have me very, VERY, worried for you. Very! They sound like almost grooming and preditory.

 

[Zikewi]

I chose a male therapist to bring all this male specific trauma too in part because I felt I didn't have any leverage with a woman. On some level I knew I could control him with sexual desire.

Oh I understand that. I can't speak for you of course but I think one of the things that can happen is one becomes used to being sexualised. There are different types of power, One is just about interest. Having an association of men always wanting sex from one can be all it is about. Not necessarily at all that one even wants that to happen but possibly at least one having some ideas of the rules or expectations. Or an extra weapon if defence becomes about life and death.

If you decide to ask him this can you commit here to what you will do to stay safe and get out if his reply isn't professional? Trauma reenactment urges can be strong.

 

[Ginan]

Oh I understand that. I can't speak for you of course but I think one of the things that can happen is one becomes used...

Thank you for the request for accountability. I emailed him and told him that "at times I'm convinced you would have sex with me if I allowed that to happen, I don't have a clear understanding of where your boundaries are."

He responded saying I can ask for clarification on his boundaries any time but he wanted to assure me he would never be sexual with a client. We will discuss more in person this week.

I can appreciate that with my nearly constant dissociation in session that I haven't been clear on anything really...I feel like I need therapy for my therapy.

I can't emphasize enough how helpful everyone on here has been. I'm really just astonished at the breadth of wisdom and willingnessness to share. I read all your comments a couple of times.

It's honestly hard to say this with certainty but I will use every ounce of my will power not to sleep with him. I need him to have more will power than me. I suppose he needs to assure me of his will power before we can move forward.