Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse Doesn't Describe My Bad Experience.

[Abrasky]

My therapist once told me that sexual abuse was about power and nothing about sex and I have to agree with her. Abuse is about building destructive definitions of details, which now effects my worklife, it was about anger, which effects my relationships, it was about the definition of close, which effects my friendships, it was about stopping development of my developmental relax thing, it was about isolating, it was about isolating from my mother, it was about control and abandoment. It's the worst possible shame on the planet, and the person that get's or feels the empathy of that shame is the survivor not the absuer. I wish there was a word that could describe it. But there isn't. It makes me angry.

 

[Lucycat]

Maze, you sum it up so well.

 

[Abrasky]

I'm just getting so angry about it all now the further on I go into councelling the more and more I am identifying aspects of my life that this hiddeous crime has effected in my life. Not just little things. These things are developmental milestones. Some parts of my emotional development, are still 9. It makes me sick that it is aligned with love or sex, it's got nothing to do with it. Glorification of a petty need to asert power and dominance. Grrr.

 

[Lucycat]

yep! I have found myself recently asking if my behaviours are 'normal' or a result of abuse.I never questioned it before as I did not recognise that I am different, and that my history had affected me.

I don't get angry though... just feel really curious and inquisitive about how I am.

 

[OneofHis]

Wow Bruceylucy, thats exactly how I feel. I question nearly of all my reaction to my surroundings now and think that this may be in relation to my abuse. I try to take advantage of this new learning about myself and use it to make improvements in my future.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi OneofHis,

Yes, in the past year since I learned I have CPTSD I have not stopped reading. Everything I can find, on the internet and in books. My T seems to have a vast library of text books and keeps lending me whichever one he thinks is appropriate. I actually think he likes my interest and enthusiasm for learning.

I do try and read the occasional novel inbetween though as my husband keeps reminding me there is more to life than this PTSD thing!!!

I am determined to come out the other side of this a better educated, nicer and happier person, content with 'my lot'!

 

[suzie q]

I hear what you are saying, Maze, and think that the anger you are feeling is a good thing. What I mean is that I hear you fighting for your right to have a joyful and fulfilling life without all the negative things your abuse did to you. I was told that this is a definite starting place in processing and letting go of the lifelong pain the abuse caused you.

For me, the anger kept me out of the dissociation and depression so that I could find answers on how to process all the sh*t and move on. The last thing I needed was to stay stuck in the "numb" or "fearful" emotions. Anger (healthy anger) kept me motivated. I didn't take that anger and turn it inwards. I focused on taking one baby step at a time in giving responsibility to those that did the abuse. As Brucielucy stated, I had to keep myself educated and that sometimes helped sooth the anger.
Hang in there...suzie q

 

[Abrasky]

I never use to be angry at all. One friend told me I got Huffy but never did anything about it. I couldn't feel this emotion. Both of my therapists have told me the anger will help me heal. I suppose anger is part of healing the lifelong pain. I never knew such anger was possible. I am feeling numb and angry at the moment. It is healthy anger. When the anger gets to much, I burst into tears. I thin kthe more angry I get, the more memories and healing at a deeper level are healing.
Brucelucy I hope that you feel contented and it sounds like you are getting there.