Sexual Assault Sexual Abuse Has Ruined My Ability To Enjoy My Sexuality

[Muttly]

I've never met a man who is ok with not having sex.

I have. More than one. Including me

Whatever.

Society sees me as worthless on both fronts.

You are definitely allowed to have your feelings, I don't think anyone here is challenging that. However, some of your thoughts about society and men may not be completely true. Am I saying you are all wrong? No. It's not black/white.

The part of society I spend my free time in doesn't, place a high value in how much you make and there are plenty of asexual folks who are accepted and have relationships. It doesn't mean everything for you is magically fine, and it doesn't make your suffering less real. It does mean there may be possibilities out there for yourself that you haven't found.

 

[Malaki]

i was sick and abandoned as a young woman and found myself in not terrible, but somewhat compr...

As a man, I have a hard time enjoying sex. I find myself at times " wishing i was like a normal guy". After being sold into sex slavery and bought by both men and women and sent to sex training camps at 5 years old. Sex became the most confusing thing to me. I was forced to learn the complete muscle groups and nerve systems of men and womens bodies to better learn what pleased them. In sense I was trained to be a sex weapon. I had to know what they wanted long before they even knew what they wanted. It was for survival. If you didnt please your owner, the possbility of death was very likely. So to survive you had to be the best at what you did. So now as an adult it has ruined me. I have a very high sexual drive, yet it means nothing to me and to make it worse im extremely picky. Having to find some type of connection of any kind to even think about enjoying the act. The few partners i have been have praised me to be some type of sex god cause the reaction that i can draw from their bodies even by just speaking to them about it. Yet im not flattered at all. I was trained to be a weapon and the one thing i was trained to use now has turned itself on me. So yes its a very hard issue for me as well. im sorry if i had said too much. I just joined the site and never reached out to anyone my entire life. Thank you for allowing me the honor of reading your trauma.

 

[Twila Little]

i was sick and abandoned as a young woman and found myself in not terrible, but somewhat compr...

I was sexually molested as a child and yes I do enjoy my sexuality. It is possible, but it wasn't always this way for me either. I spent years and am still currently going to therapy to get to this point. I used to have nightmares about sex and any aspect that had to do with sex. I even avoided it when I got of age and am still cautious mostly because of trusting the partner. Sex is an amazingly natural part of life, but it seems that there are still a lot of emotional barriers and triggers you have to deal with. PTSD is a very tricky illness to work with and it takes serious dedication to your mental and emotional health to overcome the painful affects of your triggers. It affects many aspects of your health and it takes time. I have been in therapy FOR YEARS. Your whole life and mental paradigm has to change in order to holistically enjoy all aspects of your life. YOU CAN enjoy sex and so many other aspects of your life! Seek and learn to let go of the pain, anger and disappointment others have caused you in the past.

 

[amosmorris]

I dread being triggered sexually and feel such shame and guilt for it when I am--because I know I get stuck and it's hard to dig out. I lash out at my partner and I disconnect, get lost in myself. It's a sh*tty, hopeless feeling as I know everyone here knows.

I guess the hope I have has to do with the fact that at least it's something we talk about now, that it's out there. For me for so many years I kept my sexual trauma history entirely secret from him--and a big part of that has to do too with my own resistance to validating it, to recognizing how pervasive those years of my adolescence have been in the rest of my adult life (and esp my sexual life). I continue to undermine my experiences, to struggle with all of it--ie others have been through worse; I'm just so weak; and so on. But the feelings and the thought patterns don't go away in this model, you know? So--if you're in it--I guess that's the only way to move out of it. And I've only been working on this stuff for about a year in therapy and it's like two steps forward, one step back, so I can't even manage to work consistently. I do have better stretches and worse stretches when it comes to the sex I'm capable of having and the way I respond to triggers. I'm in a rough patch right now and sending good energy to others as we all try to move through.

 

[katz]

I can say that my husband has been patient but.... (There's always a but)...he hints around about it unt...

This is exactly what I deal with every day! I don't know why he is still with me.
2nd husband - 2nd partner

 

[katz]

I don't see myself ever having any sex. I should have remained single. The physical pain is too much to bear.

 

[lil_fighter]

It is interesting to read the responses, as I am asking myself the exact same question. I wonder if, even if we find a partner who is loving and caring, if we haven't dealt with the trauma will sex ever be enjoyable? The idea of exposure therapy is interesting but we can still take risks that we may not normally take. I think being totally celibate if it is a genuine choice not influenced by trauma is fine but when it is influenced by trauma, may be at first self preservation but eventually prolong the memory of trauma. Similar to the idea of, if you lock people out you end up locking yourself in. A way of regaining control, would be to enjoy sex and feel safe. I have not yet experienced this so can't say whether it is possible but the responses here are giving me some hope. I also realise that if your first sexual experience was forced or abusive, it is understandably difficult to imagine sex being enjoyable. The main thing is to be able to identify boundaries and recognise triggers to keep yourself feeling safe.

 

[somerandomguy]

For some people, sex is never going to be safe, no matter how caring their partner is. Such people (such as myself, I should be clear) should probably consider remaining single or seeking out asexuals to partner with.

I partnered up again as soon as I could escape my abusive relationship, and it was a huge mistake that I'm still dealing with more than a decade later.

 

[Justmehere]

Not ruined forever. Safe people and working on the trauma and building healthy relationships overall helped quite a bit. I still have a lot to work on, but it's improving.

 

[katz]

As a man, I have a hard time enjoying sex. I find myself at times " wishing i was like a normal guy". Af...

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad that you came. You should be proud of yourself that you were able to reach out and speak to others about the trauma that you experienced. (( hugs )) to you -if you accept them.

 

[Deleted member 38242]

I go back and fourth. I am great at sex, and physically can always orgasim, but sometimes its like Im a machine, and its a function. Not pleasurable but like sneezing its just a body response, and I cant feel it, but know its happening. This allowed me to hide how messed up I can get sometimes for the sake of my partner. I prefer to not be with anyone as I have never been in a decent relationship. I have only had a few, but all were abusive, and used me for money (yes, as a woman I have only paid for sex in my life).

I thought love included insults, and self sacrifice until I did a lot of work with a shrink. Now I want to be alone. I dont want to be hurt anymore, and I gave up on the toys even at this point. I'm in a relationship with my hand I guess, but its cheeper than the cost of me loving someone who doesnt give a care. I have a ton of male friends, so I get that man energy I do love. Its a trade off though, but on the down side being friends with the opposite sex does take careful ducking, and dodging so you dont have to get physical Ive noticed.
Im ok for now, but it does make me sad sometimes.