Hi everyone,
First of all thanks to all of the posters. Reading them makes me feel less alone.
About 7 months ago I went out with a group of friends and I got pretty drunk. I remember getting upset with my friends and I left the bar crying. I was determined to go to a different gay bar by myself. I remember pulling out my phone to look up gay bars close by. I do not remember much after that. I have flashbacks of being in a parked car with a stranger (male) giving me a back massage. I am pretty sure I had told him I was a lesbian and that I was a server so it made me have a lot of back pain. So in my drunken state I must have gotten into a parked car with a stranger & I am thinking he offered to give me a ride. However, the back massage went lower and lower and he asked if what he was doing “was okay.” I do not remember replying, but if I had I think at the time in my drunken state I thought it was just a part of the massage. I had a pit feeling in my stomach that I was in danger. I remember him groping my butt.... then It all goes black. I then remember waking up to my hand on his exposed genitalia and he asked “is this okay?” I replied “no this is not okay.” He had a blank but surprised look on his face. I remember lifting up the lock of the car and escaping. I really believe I would have been raped if I hadn’t gotten out of that car. I called my friends and left a screaming voicemail that I had been sexually assaulted because I could not get ahold of them and they wouldnt answer. I know it was dumb of me to leave everyone, but I was drunk and not really myself. I then remember going behind a bush and putting my purse on the ground and going into the fetal position and cried. I was scared and I did not know where I was. I messaged two different friends what had happened and I was terrified. I was in shock. In the distance I saw two men slowly appoaching me so I got up and ran. That is when an older man in an uber was driving by. He stopped when he saw me and asked if I was okay. He verified that he was a driver by pointing to his stickers. I got in and he drove me to my apartment and he was like “I think we should call the police.” I agreed because I felt like if this person did this to me they would do a lot worse to someone else. I was interrogated by the police for close to 4 hours. I know he was doing his job but it made me feel like the criminal. It ended up I couldn’t identify the perprator and I really couldnt remember where the specific location was & there was not enough evidence to pursue a case. I was just trying to do the right thing.
Since that night I have had severe PTSD. I know it could have been worse so I feel guilty for even feeling bad. & then sometimes I feel like what if “I made this all up?” Does anyone on here who has been through trauma question themselves too? Rationally I know I wouldnt remember those flashbacks if I had made it all up. Especially with therapy I have just been feeling worse and worse. Like maybe I am a bad person that made this up. It didn’t really happen. I am just looking for attention etc etc. I feel like I am going insane.
At one point I was scared of all men even my own dad. I just am confused. Why would I even make something like this up? I would have no reason to, but my brain keeps going there ALL the time. It makes absolutely no sense.
First of all thanks to all of the posters. Reading them makes me feel less alone.
About 7 months ago I went out with a group of friends and I got pretty drunk. I remember getting upset with my friends and I left the bar crying. I was determined to go to a different gay bar by myself. I remember pulling out my phone to look up gay bars close by. I do not remember much after that. I have flashbacks of being in a parked car with a stranger (male) giving me a back massage. I am pretty sure I had told him I was a lesbian and that I was a server so it made me have a lot of back pain. So in my drunken state I must have gotten into a parked car with a stranger & I am thinking he offered to give me a ride. However, the back massage went lower and lower and he asked if what he was doing “was okay.” I do not remember replying, but if I had I think at the time in my drunken state I thought it was just a part of the massage. I had a pit feeling in my stomach that I was in danger. I remember him groping my butt.... then It all goes black. I then remember waking up to my hand on his exposed genitalia and he asked “is this okay?” I replied “no this is not okay.” He had a blank but surprised look on his face. I remember lifting up the lock of the car and escaping. I really believe I would have been raped if I hadn’t gotten out of that car. I called my friends and left a screaming voicemail that I had been sexually assaulted because I could not get ahold of them and they wouldnt answer. I know it was dumb of me to leave everyone, but I was drunk and not really myself. I then remember going behind a bush and putting my purse on the ground and going into the fetal position and cried. I was scared and I did not know where I was. I messaged two different friends what had happened and I was terrified. I was in shock. In the distance I saw two men slowly appoaching me so I got up and ran. That is when an older man in an uber was driving by. He stopped when he saw me and asked if I was okay. He verified that he was a driver by pointing to his stickers. I got in and he drove me to my apartment and he was like “I think we should call the police.” I agreed because I felt like if this person did this to me they would do a lot worse to someone else. I was interrogated by the police for close to 4 hours. I know he was doing his job but it made me feel like the criminal. It ended up I couldn’t identify the perprator and I really couldnt remember where the specific location was & there was not enough evidence to pursue a case. I was just trying to do the right thing.
Since that night I have had severe PTSD. I know it could have been worse so I feel guilty for even feeling bad. & then sometimes I feel like what if “I made this all up?” Does anyone on here who has been through trauma question themselves too? Rationally I know I wouldnt remember those flashbacks if I had made it all up. Especially with therapy I have just been feeling worse and worse. Like maybe I am a bad person that made this up. It didn’t really happen. I am just looking for attention etc etc. I feel like I am going insane.
At one point I was scared of all men even my own dad. I just am confused. Why would I even make something like this up? I would have no reason to, but my brain keeps going there ALL the time. It makes absolutely no sense.