Sexual success stories?

[Yougotthis]

There is so much hope, trust me. I put my advice below and then a backstory at the bottom. I hope it helps. ♡

So now for my advice :

Rules I set for myself:

- I tried not comparing yourself to others. Got me nowhere but running in circles and made me feel inadequate. I didn't watch porn. I didn't watch sexual scenes in movies. Avoidance helped me for a while.

- Don't make sex a priority. I put it on the backburner and I found once I took the pressure off myself, I actually felt a huge relief. When I was dating,if the guy wasn't respectful or understanding, I wouldn't be in that relationship. Even now, I get triggered and tell my love that I want a break from sex and I don't allow myself to feel guilty.

- Talk it out. Shame is most powerful when it is kept inside. The more I shared my shame with my love and got the reassurance I needed, the more that shame dissipated.

- Find ways to make closeness feel safe before you jump to sex. We would do little cuddle sessions, no pressure for sex or orgasms or anything. Just closeness. Once that felt safe, I actually found myself wanting to go further because I felt in control. (my lack of control during my trauma was what made sex so difficult for me after.)

- Try to make closeness less serious. Play, laugh, make a fun game. We made a cute game of Jenga and I would pick what I wanted him to do and one for me to do to him, things we were both comfortable with. Hair brushings made me feel so relaxed. Just getting comfortable with closeness and touch again was monumental.
Also, we used to draw on each other's bodies with gel pens. Or we would use soft brushes on each other's arms and faces. Sounds odd, but it was so relaxing and I felt my trust and love grow.
He would draw hearts and stars over my scars and it would be a reminder that things are okay now. I am safe and loved. I can trust him.

You got this. You are strong and you are in control now. I hope this helped.


Storytime:
After my trauma, for about 2 years, I only consented to a certain type of sexual activity. My trusted partner at the time could touch me but I would not touch him. Sometimes we wouldn't kiss, sometimes I would become comfortable enough to be intimate with him. Strict boundaries were set and I was very fortunate to find someone who was so understanding. I felt in control, which is what I needed. You need to figure out what you need, not what you think you should be.

After that, I did the same with multiple partners. Spaced out. Over years. I'd meet a guy, try a date, tell him I'm not ready for a relationship and then the more we would spend time together completely plantonic, the more safe I felt. Some guys were pushy and I didn't hang out with them again.

At times, I would remain completely celibate and just hang out with my trusted friends and somehow they just understood and accepted me.

Then I found the One.

He was very respectful. He wasn't pushy. He didn't rush things. I told him what happened to me and he said "I'll go at your pace."
This gave me such peace of mind. I needed a feeling of control in my sexual life, because it had felt like it had been taken away.
So, we slowly integrated cuddling, kisses, long hugs, and eventually sex. I cried afterwards and he comforted me. Many, many times. But I allowed myself to be vulerable.
He actually had had some bad sexual experiences in the past as well. So I think it's a matter of finding someone who speaks your on your emotional level.
Find someone who knows pain and who is patient and compassionate.

Now we have been together for 2 years. He has taught me so much. Sexuality is not just sex, it's playfulness, cuddling, hugging, kissing, looking into each others eyes and feeling their love even without touch.

 

[Thingswillgetbetter]

As far as fanasty, I allowed myself to feel and picture whatever fanasty I wanted. At first i was ashamed then I though, what the heck, I feel safe, this is a good thing.
I don't think there is such a thing as "normal."
I was friends with a porn addict before and I didn't judge him for what he desired, so why judge myself?
We are our own worst critic and a lot of times we need our loved one is going to reassure us.
If they try and push you when you are uncomfortable, I'd consider counseling. I had a boyfriend in the past who said simply when I didn't have the desire, "It's okay, I've got this, I can take care of myself."
Later in life, I've given my hubby some sexy videos and pics on a private phone so he can pleasure himself to me when I am not feeling able. He's fine with that and thankful I made that effort.
Someone else's sexual needs are NOT your responsibility. We are only responsible for our own.
Media makes it seem that way...but true love doesn't make you feel like your not good enough. True love holds you hand and stays with you on that same level. I think there's a lot of selfishness out there. But there is also a lot of good. It's all about working as a team to make things better.

 

[Wendell_R]

Wonderful & touching story, Yougotthis!

 

[blackemerald1]

Well I mean yeah,

- Pleased you've responded and explained your position. Thank you.

Age has nothing to do with romantic relationships, you can’t possibly be that naive to think teens don’t have sex in the 21st century.

^I've made no statements about sex in the 21st century between any age group. lol... so no need to be defensive. :)

 

[Ellabella44]

Its how I felt even alive when things were bad at home. For just a few minutes to loose myself in the sensation of being with someone else. Being something and someone else but the scared kid I was at home. In my early years just kissing. Whether I felt the boy loved me or not. He's interested, I get to feel good for a while who cares. I thought I was in love a few times and if I'd have stayed they wouldn't have treated me well at all. One shares in what I feel is my biggest trauma. At 18 my parents and neurologist forced me to terminate. The guy went with me just us alone and before I went in chose then to tell me he never loved me anyways. I drove us both. Should have left him there.

For a few years I felt like I'd been violated. It completed a bad experience I had at 8 where two cousins chased me threatening to rape me. I had relationships after but I'd cry if we got too intimate. I had an on and off thing with a guy from high school friends with benefits. I trusted him very much but it still took years till I could even be with him. He held me while I cried each time we tried.

Went back to pattern of using it to escape again after I was able to again. Then met my husband. We had several years before my onset and I completely fell apart. He has been been nothing but good to me and I ended up having flashbacks and saw him as a threat. A few times they caused me to see him as a threat.

It turned into what it is at times now. The threat is that I'm symptomatic and shown the least bit of physical comfort I will break. I won't keep myself together. I feel I will be a sodden ugly cry mess that won't stop if I'm even hugged. I hate it. I isolate so I don't break. And end up hating myself because I can't accept affection from anyone when its bad.