About the power and control thing, my problem is that when I'm with a man I don't feel like sex is about me. It's about him. I go into a relationship knowing (mind you, whether it's TRUE or not) that all he really cares about is sex. That I can't just be close to him. I can't just kiss him and hug him and touch him and be touched by him, without feeling it turn into something else. Something I'm not prepared to choose--sex. So I feel like I have to have sex with him or else he'll leave. But once I do, I want nothing more to do with him. Probably because I typically just go away and he gets what he wants (and if he brings me to orgasm that makes it all ok even if it's obvious I'm not all there). And for the rest of the night I feel like I'm five again and I'm naked and exposed and if I just don't move or make a sound it'll be ok and when he falls asleep I can go. What a shitty feeling.
Perhaps I digress there a bit. Thing is, when I was with a woman it was someone who knew my problems. That, and the experience seemed less linear. What do I mean by that? Well, every guy I've ever been with seems to have some kind of procedure. The idea of two steps forward, two steps back, or some variation thereof, never seemed to occur to them--which drove home my notion that I couldn't say "no" or "stop" or "Can we just do this and not have to do that?"
When I was with the young lady, it wasn't like that. There was never an agenda. Hours and hours would go by and we'd never know it until somebody got hungry. She just wanted me to touch her. And to touch me. It was never like, "If I don't get my rocks off then this was just a big waste of time."
I learned alot about myself, yes, and though I grew very very attached to her, there was something missing. She wasn't a man. The emotional connection was there, the kind I'd never been able to establish with ANY man, and that was ultimately the source of my confusion. The thing is, our bond was stronger before we got physical, and the process of determining that I'm a straight girl put a terrible strain on it. By the time I accepted that what I really wanted from her was nurturing, it was too late.
Gosh, I'm sorry. I honestly don't know if anything I've said is even relevant. My instinct is to delete it all, but I'm going to leave it, on the off-chance that something makes sense. Just know that talking about your feelings is worlds apart from acting on them, and from where I sit, you're going to have to talk about your feelings for this girl in order to sort them out. Probably not with her, or with Dec, necessarily (your T would be appropriate), but that's what you're going to have to do.
You've got alot on your plate. Take your time. In the long view, it's your one luxury.
