Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Ironlady]

Getting my hair trimmed today... always feel a bitter lighter after that.. then I need to varnish paintings and clean house of which I have no desire to do any... depression is really kicking my tail right now.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@Ironlady I am so glad to hear about you doing your hair and hope greatly that this lifts your spirits somewhat.

I think you are very normal for escaping a cult that held you prisoner for so many years. I too escaped a cult and so I can sort of relate to the things you say. It is a mire of quick sand to find your true self it was for me and it took a very long time to overcome the brainwashing and the programing. Many deep wounds I sense in you that are haunting I am guessing.

I am so happy that you managed to escape.

I went friendless for so many years as a result of being out casted as a result of my rebellion and the gossip was the worst, I hope that you do not have to deal with any of that.

I cannot imagine how you are really feeling, but I do recognize that is so much pain and painful thoughts.:hug:

 

[Ironlady]

@Ironlady I am so glad to hear about you doing your hair and hope greatly that this li...

I do feel a bit better, thank you. I try and get it trimmed every 3 weeks or so. I wear my hair short now. Never was "allowed" to before and I never could stand my hair long. So I'm glad I can do that now. One wouldn't think hair as a big deal but it is. Was the first thing I did when I broke free.

I'm sorry you have had to experience that same kind of mental bondage and garbage. It's very hard to overcome. I ended up cutting ties with my parents. They were divorced but they both were contributing things that I just couldn't handle anymore. as a result I'm pretty alienated from the rest of my family. Nobody else really is in the group anymore except my little brother but I think he does it more to pacify my father. Cutting off parents who act loving for the most part but who are very toxic was so hard to do.

I have people I see on occasion but after a few bourts of feeling used or getting insulted because I don't have a strong filter I just can't handle it at this juncture but it's something I want at the same time. It's a conundrum.

Thank you for the loving message gizmo. I am glad that you found escape and are finding the pieces of your self. It takes a lot of hard work. I think spiritual, emotional abuse and enmeshment are some of the most dangerous things for the murder of self.

Much love and peace to you. :hug:

 

[Ironlady]

I know why I avoid connecting with people...but I really need to move past it it somehow. The pain of not doing it is becoming alarmingly unbearable at the moment.. not in my hurt myself physically kind of way but in the intense feeling of profound loss because of the lack of intimacy and tenderness in my life, at the moment kind of way. If self harming by form isolation is a thing I seem to have it down pat. I'm sitting on a hard edge that is increasingly getting uncomfortable. One side a complete void and the other dangerous waters of uncertainty that I must tread... sigh.. I hear leap and then I hear danger, pain... don't. Tear tracked Stains on my cheeks.... who...am....I... in the I am? And how can I possibly relate to others if I don't know? ....sigh.

 

[Hope69]

attachment of any kind

I was thinking of this before I read your posts. FOr myself, I can't attch until i am ready to risk loss. I hurt myself badly trying to force myself to trust, so attachment will take time, though the lack of intimacy is also painful and frightening.
I can only imagine how awful it was to grow up as you did. My mother was a nun prior to having me and is deeply religious. If religion did anything, it took me away from a sense of God and replaced awe with a sense of never being enough and guilt. I know some people find strength in their spirituality, but I believe organized religions, even those that are not cults, have sewn so much pain that its amazing they still attract so many people.

 

[Ironlady]

You describe very eloquently what I am feeling and couldn't find the words for.

I'm married but I project a lot of stuff onto him because he was part of the system and we really never have been that emotionally intimate. it's a starvation of sorts for me that weighs heavily on my mind and heart because I do not know how much longer I can go on like this. I do not know if I can risk it with him because in some ways I feel I can't trust him.

Religion by definition for me is a prison house. My father combined a form of Judaism and numerology to brainwash and control me. To have someone get In your mind like that is like a rape. Of which I have experienced too. Not by him but it's that feeling of violation so horrific and intrusive that it creates a real chasm in your identity.

I completely agree. I feel it hurts people deeply more than they realize. It creates division and dangerous black and white thinking that translates to spiritual persecution in a lot of ways.

Spiritually is something I'm not sure I'll ever have now.. God to me comes in the form of a sociopath. :-/

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I disconnected from my toxic family many, many years ago and now both parents are dead, One brother I do not know where he is and one brother died and my sister has just vanished from the earth. You have to make these kinds of choices for the sake of your own sanity I think.:hug:

 

[Hope69]

You describe very eloquently what I am feeling and couldn't find the words for.

I'm married but I pr...

I was stalked by a very religious man who combined Judaism and Catholicism. He wrote me over 200 pages a month, i was 14and I think it went on for 2 years. My parents invited him into the home, my mother took me to eat lunches with him, I had to go to counselling with him and the deacon of the church.
It was an emotional rape.I had no needs, no protection, no acceptance. All that mattered were the unhealthy obsessions of a sick man. There is no way to make sense of such twistedness. No way to feel safe with a God that condones the violation of ones sense of self.And it very difficult after that to feel "good" if the basis of the beliefs you are brought up with leaving you constantly feeling bad. The conclusion I came to at that age was that I was bad, and that conditioning is so difficult to break.
I'm sorry you are suffering, though I sense a strong sense of self there. What is lovely about art is that its intuitive, and I believe we can express our authentic experiences that we may not always put into words.

 

[Ironlady]

I disconnected from my toxic family many, many years ago and now both parents are dead, One brother I do...

Gizmo, I know it was necessary. What makes it hard that on the surface my parents we very loving affectionate people... beneath it very troubled souls. With my father the trauma bond was incredibly strong. When I left the pain of that disconnect was so strong because of all the enmeshment and emotional incest involved. And I still reel from the intensity of that.. sad thing is that in those situations you don't even know or realize how abused you are and I get caught between hating my parents and loving them too. Then last year I was reaching a place where I thought I could make contact with my mom. I messaged her through Facebook on Mother's Day and told her I would like to see her after I got back from a trip (survivors retreat) thus was the first time I ever went on a trip alone. I drove 800 miles to my destination then on my second day at the retreat my brother calls me to tell me that she died of a heart attack. So I have all these feelings I don't know what to do with. I know I did the right thing by cutting them off.. my parents were very toxic, troubled abusive people but the little girl parts are grieving for the parents I never had and the parents I will never have and to top it off I have a huge family and going from a big family that always got together to never seeing anyone feels like a huge loss too.. it's so complicated and I am trying hard to detangle myself from all this webbing but I still get caught in it too. Sorry, I really feel the inner kiddo strongly today. :(

 

[Ironlady]

I was stalked by a very religious man who combined Judaism and Catholicism. He wrote me over 200 pages a...

I'm so sorry Hope, much of the feelings you are describing I can so relate to! The damage caused by religious extremists, zealots and radicals are so profound and deep that it's unfathomable the damage caused by their wake. And you are right. There is no making sense of that twisted way of thinking.

Yes, I believed that I was not only bad but that my only purpose was to be punished. My father taught me that to be happy was to observe the entire Old Testament law and that misery and anguish would always be there because we were not in our homeland (Israel) he taught me to find happiness here was pretty much a sin and that it was cause for divine punishment. Then compounding that with the complete isolation from other people and discouraging any friendships and connection to others who were "blind.

Too much Entertainment was a sin.. one time I watched a movie that was on the "not ok list" I miscarried one of my babies a week later and was blamed for it and believed I was being punished because I wasn't obedient enough.. I could go on and on.. so when I left I fully expected for a long time to be killed or see one of my children die as a result of rebelling.

I feel like I just emotionally vomited all over this diary .. I'm sorry girl... I hope I didn't upset or trigger you. :(:sick::cry:

 

[Hope69]

I'm so sorry Hope, much of the feelings you are describing I can so relate to! The damage caused by re...

No vomit on me , don't worry.
I'm sorry you were taught to carry so much fear, and I can relate. Its cruel to blame people for tragedies beyond their control when they are already suffering. I was terrified of reading anything spiritual or religious for fear I would not measure up or be good enough or have to twist myself in a pretzel to be nice. I actually still cringe at posts and quotes that are supposed to be inspiring, that new age cotton candy stuff. It will take awhile to find a way through that.
:hugs:

 

[Ironlady]

I feel the same way.. I have actually tried applying some of the metaphysical information only to find out that while it may be the best thing for some I can't seem To apply it trust it or believe it either... which left me feeling even more like a spiritual failure.. I'm glad there are those who can.. I sure wouldn't want everyone to feel like me. so the only thing that I would deem as spiritual practice is the medititative solitary moment I have before everyone gets up in the morning while enjoying a cup of coffee. :inlove: