Shadows In The Midst Of Flames

[Hope69]

I've always loved wolves. I love that they are pack animals, that they are tender and fierce and listen to their instincts. I've always loved Kali, shes a mother, yet she understands that death and life are two sides of the same coin. Artemis also had to hunt in order to maintain balance in the forest, so this idea that we can only be nurturing and "nice, I believe, leaves us unbalanced. Rage seems like an appropriate response to immense suffering. I'm sure you will use it wisely.

 

[Ironlady]

I've always loved wolves. I love that they are pack animals, that they are tender and fierce and listen...

Thank you darling... I love what you said. So true..

 

[Ironlady]

I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar.. experiencing too many highs that are higher than highs lasting days with little to no sleep and the lows are f*cking devastating. f*ck me.

 

[Ironlady]

f*cking crashing!!!... I have felt amazing euphoric.. jazzed.. amazing.. and now I can't stop feeling like I'm going into black. I don't know anymore. I just don't know. How can I go from 100 mph to a dead stop in a nanosecond?.. and making compulsive unforgivable mistakes all along the way.. I need a punching bag and I want to run till I can't breath.

 

[Hope69]

f*cking crashing!!!... I have felt amazing euphoric.. jazzed.. amazing.. and now I can't stop feeling...

DO you have someone you can talk to about this. Also manic symptoms can be a side effect of some meds or combining meds with certain supplements (St Johns wart and SSRIs for example)
Hang in there

 

[Ironlady]

DO you have someone you can talk to about this. Also manic symptoms can be a side effect of some meds or...

I'm seeing my T tomorrow.. I have been feeling so good the past couple weeks.. thought I was just getting out of my depressive slump.. and then this last week I just.. really f*cked up.. I totally f*cked up big time but I couldn't seem to stop from doing things I knew I shouldn't do.. last night I barely slept and went from.. starting to right a memoir, to looking up hip hop dance lessons, to writing poetry, to chatting with a friend online on Fb in a quickfire out of control pushy way .. over posting etc. and then pretending I was drinking when I wasn't because I had a wtf moment, racing thoughts and ideas just flying everywhere. Then of course because of my craziness last night my friend brushed me off today and then it sent me spiraling and crying uncontrollably... I'm an artist and so a lot of the time I just attributed this to a creative cycle but I'm starting to wonder... every time I create art I paint for hours and days all at once then I drop and don't do anything for awhile and get in a depressive funk. I don't want to be making something up in my head as making an excuse for myself at all I take full responsibilitiy.. but I can't control all the compulsion feelings either. Bloody hell!!! And my thoughts are racing as I'm posting to you. :eek: :wacky:... :banghead:

 

[Ironlady]

DO you have someone you can talk to about this. Also manic symptoms can be a side effect of some meds or...

I'm not on any meds right now.

 

[Ironlady]

Too much joy... too much success ... to much of anything good sends me spiraling back to a depressive state.... it's like once I reach this ceiling and exceed it a bit all hell breaks loose inside my head. Survival mode I guess... as joy, entertainment and success was met with psychological torment. Feeling quite like a pile of poo. Poor kids in my head are panicking... running for their lives. :(

 

[Hope69]

I do believe highs and lows can be attributed to a disregulated brain, the result of traumas. That said, its important to have whatever support you need. I take a small does of meds. They don't cure me, but it helps. Its worth exploring friend. Do stay well. xo

 

[Ironlady]

I do believe highs and lows can be attributed to a disregulated brain, the result of traumas. That said,...

Well not bipolar.. talked to T. Relieved... He thinks it is just so much repression suppression and now I'm getting into some deeper layers and releasing some things and getting triggered in process..that the energy is coming from as you say disregulation. So.. just waiting to see what develops.. I have tried meds but can't seem to find any that help yet.. withdrawing is so tortuous and kinda dangerous for me. Even if I go very slowly I just kinda get hives and fret thinking about it. :( So just keep pushing forward. :)

 

[Ironlady]

So, today I'm resting. Have the flu among other things.. feeling overwhelmed a bit as nobody seems to know how to cleanup/pickup after themselves. So two days in bed has created a massive mess in the apt. Mama bear is not happy. Part of me wants to say f*ck it and do it all myself but my more sensible side has determined that this weekend she is going to be delegating duties. Family? Don't want to clean up the mess? Then don't make one!

In other news getting the hang of using garage band in my iPad.. writing music is something I like to do also. It has been fun and a good distraction from my aches.

Im considering applying for college classes. 36 years old and never been to any school ever including elementary.. so quite nervous even just thinking about it... it's throwing all my inner kids in a panic at the notion and my inner critic is having a heyday. Not altogether confident I would do well.. but I feel like I need to do it or I will regret it later just like I'm regretting it now. I fear failing... but I almost fear succeeding too.. conundrums of the beast.

Wishes to all for warmth, love, patience and compassionate moments of rest and healing. <3

 

[Ironlady]

Sudden sadness washing over me... think its thanksgiving coming up.. my mom treated me pretty poorly growing up in a lot of ways.. but she also did some things right despite the neglect. She had a lot of her own mental health issues going on that she was never treated for.. August 2014 I sat down with her and explained what I was going through and that I needed space. I asked her to Go no contact for awhile. Before leaving we both cried as I hugged her. I never intended for it to be permanent. I just needed time to individualize myself from my parents. Figure out what stuff was theirs and what was mine.

May 10th of 2015 I sent her a Facebook message wishing her a happy Mother's Day and that I wanted to see her after I returned from a solo trip I was taking that week. I go on my road trip. 3 days later I'm 1500 miles from home when my brother called me to tell me that my Mom had died of a heart attack. It was the longest drive home I've ever taken in my life.

I know my mom wasn't the best mom.. she did some pretty terrible things.. but she was my mom..

I can't get that image of hugging her out of my head. I didn't know it would be my last. I wish I would have hugged her a bit tighter and a bit longer.. I feel guilt.. loss.... and some regret.

Thanksgiving was pretty much the only holiday we ever kept. I have good memories of cooking with my mom, laughing and joking around. I'm struggling between anger and rage of my injured child and yet the longing one has for the parent that they had yet never had and for the parent they will never have.

She wasn't the best mom by any standards..But she was my mom. I miss my mom.