Hi all,
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate those who actually felt what i am going through. I can cry for hours and hours thinking about the past. Any little trigger gets me to the point where i am so upset that I cannot sleep at night. I am having trouble forgetting about the childhood abuse especially all the ill-treatment i had from them and mainly the molestation. I have grown up with having a fear of men, the ones with loud voice (i.e. those who yell, like my mother's brother) and any male touch (i.e. even a hug can get me feel stiff and numb). I have never had a boyfriend. The only guy I ever liked dumped me after 4 days of the relationship because I was guilty for not telling my mother about him and I was feeling disgusted whenever he tried hugging me or holding my hand. The worst part is that my childhood pedophile still lives near by and we still get to meet few times a month because he is related to my mum. Secondly, I don't fit in this family due to their culture and their beliefs towards women. I hate living with such people who discriminate women. Being a woman in the so called culture where i come from is not easy. Yes, I am still living at my mothers house although i am in my mid-20s because in this so called culture girls don't leave home until they are married. But I am trying to find a job related to my study. The reason I could not leave the house while study was that i was working while studying to pay for my university fee till my Bachelors (Hons) and then did masters in Engineering (which completed this year) with a scholarship. But I can not leave this house until I get a job (which i am starting to look for). Yes, I have been in therapy for 3 months but I cannot afford it at the moment since each session is $160 and I don't have a job. However, I will get back to therapy once I am employed. What really sucks is that I am having trouble being in a relationship with a guy. I want to fall in love, i want to feel all the emotions and the sad thing is that my barriers and the defense mechanism is not letting me get past. Hugging or holding hands with a guy seems a big deal let alone sex. I get into bad memories when i was molested. The worst thing is seeing the Pedo around and him always trying to hug me or shake hands, I try pushing him away but he f****ing does not understand. I am thinking of slapping him. Seriously, this bast***D does not understand my boundaries. Another sad thing is that it is his wife (mums sister) who was being B**** to me all these years, and whenever I try telling her pervert husband off she stands in the way. You know the funny things that this a$$hole (pedo) ran away when his wife (i.e. my mothers sister) was 8 months pregnant with their first child. Then he comes back after 2 yrs and she accepts him back (huh!! I can see a lack of self respect this woman has ). I really don't like these people tbh.
On the other hand it is my mums brother who is the biggest jerk i have encountered in my entire life, he was responsible for me working at the age of 12. He always taunted my mother since she was working under a work permit at his restaurant. It was him who forcefully made me work. On top of that he would swear at me after finishing work. He would humiliate me in front of people. He even told my father to kick me out of the house. It was ironic when his own daughter made him divorce his first wife and kicked him out of his own house. Although this moron has a lot of money but one of biggest a***** on earth. He always puts me off for being educated and tells me that i am qualified because of my ego. I have done all this study to show off and to carry an extra stick on my head. The funny thing is that his own kids went to those private schools for riches but both failed a lot. His daughter could not even pass her final year in her high school therefore she had to take foundation course at university to become a primary teacher ( i have nothing against being a primary teacher but what i am trying to point out here is how these people treated me). His son is at university studying property but failing. Yet this a**** is telling me off for doing masters. Another thing, the a**** uncle always taunted my mother that I (i.e. me, the writer of this post) will run away with a guy at the age of 16 and will become a hairdresser. Now that i have not done any of that, he tells me that "you will either become a nun or a nymph". See how hurtful these people are??? He (mothers brother) himself has been cheating his first wife, then his own daughter made him get a divorce with his own wife and kicked him out of their house. After his first relationship, he finds another woman for 13 yrs, then leaves her because she has become too old for him and not up to his standards. Now he is with a third woman, which he got an arranged marriage to, she is 21 yrs younger than him (he is 52). He always told me if you lived in that country in poverty, you would've also married a guy in his mid-50s to get out of their, these are his excuses to validate himself. (NOTE: Although he has been with 3 women officially, he has been doing a lot of sleeping around, basically he cheated on all these women with a lot of other women!)
You know the worst part of all my misery is that my mother is letting them pee on my head. She is not stopping them but me. I am made to shut up and go to my room yet she does not have the guts to tell her A**** brother off, neither stop her sister or her pedophile brother-in-law. Just because we came to this country because of them and they are her relatives. I believe, it is better to be alone than having such toxic relationships n people around. I am only going to escape from this house now and that is it. Lastly, whenever I have other bad experiences out of the house, my mother uses those experiences against me to manipulate me that the world outside is dangerous and there are bad people outside and i can be raped. Huh!! it is better to live outside then with these people where you are mentally raped each and every single moment of your life.
Lastly, I will get therapy for sexual abuse and PTSD. I really want to fall in love but all these issues are stopping me. My biggest concern is whether the guy i go out with will accept me because of my past and all the ill-treatment i got. I told everything to my past guy and he dumped me after 4 days. Btw i knew that guy for 3 months before starting the relationship. Please help!
Thanks for reading and replying on my post :)
