Shall i say this?

[Sandstone]

How would your therapist react if you said "We don't agree on that, so either there is more than truth, or one of us is mistaken" ?

Mine has a view of my situation that I don't agree with, and is pushing very hard. The harder she pushes her view, the more I dig my heels in. She keeps saying "There has to be some movement", but I think that movement needs to come from her. I don't want to get into direct confrontation, but I do want her either to shut up about this topic for a while or to accept that we differ, and maybe be curious about that difference.

I am realising more about what the reasons for my stance are, but as she is a very new T for me I don't yet feel able to unpack them for her. At the moment I prefer to let the thoughts unroll for me until they make a bit more sense and I feel more secure with her. But I'm pretty sure that if I said even that she would leap on it as an admission that she was right, and that would be counter productive.

 

[shimmerz]

Yeah, I wouldn't be good with that either. I have been very vocal with my T's insofar as what I perceive as a 'forcing of thoughts onto me' perspective. So myself? I wouldn't put it like this:

"We don't agree on that, so either there is more than truth, or one of us is mistaken" ?

Instead I would say that we need to drop the topic altogther because I absolutely don't see things that way.

One of my T's used to get into it with me because she was certain that I should not be looking at what happened to me through my initial traumas. I get that that is a normal thing for many therapists to believe, but inside of myself I knew that I needed to know, up to a point, what the reality of my tenure with Children's Aid actually was. Period.

They say that inside of us we know how to heal. I believe that. And I needed to know certain things. It was not up to my therapist to tell me how to heal. She could advise. She could back out of something (my searching for knowledge of my trauma), but she was never allowed to overlay my reality. That was a hard and fast rule for me.

 

[scout86]

How would your therapist react if you said "We don't agree on that, so either there is more than truth, or one of us is mistaken"

He already thinks there's more than one "truth", so that part wouldn't be an issue.

If he thought I was missing something, which is often the case, he'd drop it for the moment and then continue to bring it up, in different ways, until I finally saw what he was trying to get me to see.

He'd also continue to listen and try to understand what I was saying. (Maybe mostly because it would help him understand the disconnect and deal with it more effectively.)

I'm really sure about this, because it happens a lot. It's probably happening now, I just haven't noticed because he doesn't make a big deal out of it. He had never once said l HAD to do anything or that anything HAD to happen. I've never gotten the impression that "being right" is something either of us had to prove. I think it would be nearly impossible to accomplish much good, dealing with a t who felt she had to be "right".

 

[NewBeginnings]

The challenge here is that the energy is being focused on “who is right” or “what the real truth is”. I think it doesn’t really matter who is right - it is the processing that is important and for your t to help guide and allow you to explore your perspective and feelings around it. I agree with @shimmerz and would ask to drop it- this is on your time and readiness and not hers.

 

[Neverthesame]

What if you said?

I disagree with you about this topic, for reasons you are as yet unaware. I am not ready to share these reasons with you at this time. I would ask for you to shelf this topic until I am able to provide you with all the relevant information.
If after I have provided you with all the necessary information, you still maintain your current opinion, I will be more willing to discuss your argument.
For right now however, I don't feel it is appropriate to continue with this topic. My frustration is not about which of us is correct, it is from feeling trapped in a circular argument against a conclusion drawn from incomplete information.
Please respect my wishes on this matter. When I am ready to get into this I will bring it up with you.

 

[Sandstone]

Instead I would say that we need to drop the topic altogther because I absolutely don't see things that way.

I can never acheive that certainty. That is why I'd say there may be more than one truth. I do know that as she becomes more and more pushy, I am less able to consider her particular truth. I understand that this is a key area for us, but I can't be bludgeoned into considering it. It feels like being shaken by the shoulders.

he doesn't make a big deal out of it

Aha! Thank you. I did tell her that I work best with someone clear and direct. Perhaps I need to modify that.

allow you to explore your perspective and feelings around it.

I'm doing that away from therapy. It may be that I need to talk with her about the current impossibility of doing it in session.

I am not ready to share these reasons with you at this time

I think it's more a matter of it not being acceptable to share those reasons. They relate partly to my safety, and she has been very clear that safety outside the room is not her responsibility. I know that exposing some of this stuff has been dangerous for me in the past. I need to go very slowly into it, on my terms and at my speed. Unfortunately, while that is going on inside me, it looks stationary, even though there is movement.

I think we are probably also running into the old problem, that the level of distress I'm experiencing isn't visible. I suspect it looks as though I just came for the five minute argument Argument Clinic - Monty Python's The Flying Circus instead of taking and applying what we discuss..

That sketch looks worryingly familiar

 

[Stephernovas]

One of my favourite things to say, when my therapist has a valid point but I may or may not agree with her is to say, "I hear you, however I still don't see it that way". If you don't feel comfortable to share the reasons then just flat out say, this is a touchy subject where I have more to add, but I'm not ready to go there with you. I'm sharing this much with you because you keep talking about wanting to see movement. This is it, and the movement I need from you is to back off. It's YOUR therapy, YOUR speed, YOUR terms. Don't forget that.

 

[whiteraven]

My therapist is very open to being in disagreement and I have learned to be, too. I am also learning to explore those things with him in a gentle, easy way, although sometimes I still feel unheard. We are still working on that.

 

[Suzetig]

I thought what you've suggested is absolutely fine, your T might want to unpick the idea of reality with you and what you mean by reality. I think it's equally valid just to say you've both got very different perspectives on it, or to just work on something else for a while.

If you are distressed though and she isn't seeing that, please find a way to let her know - maybe not in a "i feel like hurting myself" kind of way if you fear her reaction but let her know just how distressed you are because if you don't, she'll assume you are coping and the therapy is being paced appropriately. I know you've been tipped over into not coping between sessions before and it'll happen again if the therapy is going too fast.

It's your therapy, it's fine to say you want to leave X for a while and do something else - you can go back to it when you're ready.

 

[Sandstone]

It's always more complicated than it sounds, isn't it?

At the moment, I don't think there is any risk of anything more than distress. I'm aware that my warning signals are beginning to appear, but they are only at the level I'd expect to experience in any therapy - things like thinking "Wouldn't it be nice if I could take a pill to sleep all night" Most of the time I think we are going frustratingly slowly. The distress I do feel is mainly around feeling pressurised to agree, and is at the level of "Once I've walked out of here I need a couple of hours to get myself back together before I can tackle the bus"

But I suspect the only way to make her back off is to tell her why it is a problem, and in doing that I have to open up all the turmoil around the subject. I think I've decided to use today to read her large chunks from my journal and a couple of threads from here, but not to discuss them. We can have the week to mull it all over after that

 

[Suzetig]

But I suspect the only way to make her back off is to tell her why it is a problem, a

If she is any good, telling her you need her to back off should be enough.

 

[NightSky]

It must be really hard not to feel you’re “allowed” to say anything you want to your T. What happens outside of session isn’t technically any T’s “responsibility” but it seems like that’s fairly harsh? Mine certainly “takes care of me” between sessions- with a text or email check in if I’ve had a rough session, etc. In your shoes I would feel unable to go further because of not having the freedom to be open about what’s really going on. Maybe yours is a different modality. My T keeps stressing something to me that I just can’t see, and I asked her why it has to keep being a thing, because it’s not something I can envision or see it her way, and she agreed to put the topic away for a while and revisit later.