Shame - Help

[Kb3]

This has been bothering me for a long time and I'm hoping by writing about it I can stop feeling ashamed about it.

I had surgery a few years ago and the anesthetic went badly wrong. I was left awake and paralyzed during a significant portion of it and thought that one of my limbs was being unexpectedly amputated.

When I woke up I was still in the operating theatre and I completely flipped out and had to be restrained. The staff were not sympathetic and treated me very cruelly because they thought I had been taking drugs or drinking prior to the surgery, which I hadn't done. They left me exposed and retaliated against me verbally and physically. It was heartbreakingly awful to be blamed for the anesthetic awareness and be treated in this degrading way.

One of them finally started being nice to me. I reacted to this in a sexual way in full view of at least five male doctors and one very sadistic nurse. They laughed at me.

Two days later four of them came to my room on rounds and made fun of me about it. I was alone.

They denied the awareness and never explained to me that the drugs that they use cause people to act in inappropriate ways. I have felt terrible about doing what I did, as well as how I was treated. For a long time I felt that I had betrayed my husband and felt tremendous guilt. I felt and to a degree still feel ruined and dirty and disgusting.

Despite effective therapy for all other aspects of what happened that terrible day, I still suffer from deep shame about this. I understand that it wasn't my fault and that it was a reaction that many people have on these drugs, but I feel that what I did was so extreme and that the situation was allowed to get so completely out of control that I crossed over the line of what I can recover from. The distress I feel over this humiliation cannot be overstated.

How can I stop feeling shame about this? I know that they carry much, if not all, of the blame, but I feel like that if I wasn't such a craven, flawed human being that I wouldn't have acted this way to begin with. I'm sorry if the answer seems obvious to other people, but I am trapped in this belief and can't seem to work my way out of it.

 

[Abrasky]

No don't feel shame. I once had an operation and the anesthetist came to close to me leg. I was trying to fix my gown strings and accidently hit him in the goolies.
So I got one anesthetist back for you.
My husband has an allergic reaction to pethidine and found out having some and going beserk. It is seriously very common to go beserk from anesethic. The doctors said he can not have pethidine any more. Reactions like this happen all the time. I have heard of a friend of mine hitting on the doctor for her operation because of the anesthetic too. Not uncommon. Was he an old doctor, or a handsome one? I hope he was handsome.
I can't comment on the awareness except I feared this going into my operation. I'm sorry you went through that. It is huge, and you have just reason to be upset.

 

[shadowchaser]

No need to be ashamed. Wether or not it was your body doing it it wasn't your personality. You were not yourself.

When I was on my way under anesthesia I got a little forward with the attending doctor. Normally I'm a very quiet shy and jumpy person when in a hospital. But the pre medications they had given me took that away. I flirted horribly and insisted he had to let me touch his bum before I would let him see me on the table. Fortunately I had a more understanding surgeon and he actually let me.

I co operated after that.

 

[Kb3]

I hope he was handsome.

No, unfortunately he wasn't, because then I might have had a better excuse for the way I acted. It really didn't matter to me at the time though; it was sort of like an extreme case of beer goggles. The thought of that scene can still make me shudder.

The same guy had just fallen on me while trying to hold me down, and had partially dislocated my hip. They never told me that it happened, and I put too much weight through it too early in my recovery. I went on to develop avascular necrosis (part of the bone died), which means that my hip will eventually need to be replaced. I think you can imagine how much I'm looking forward to that surgery.

The whole thing was a disaster from beginning to end, and it has caused me untold pain and suffering. If they had only been professional and explained the awareness, their poor reaction to my being scared out of my mind about it, my hip injury and my reaction to the drugs I might have been okay, but they chose themselves and their litigation exposure instead, and abandoned me. I had a very delayed memory about what happened, and they probably just assumed that I would never remember it. I wish every single day that I hadn't.

Thanks for the support, and don't worry too much about awareness because it is extremely rare.

 

[Kb3]

I flirted horribly and insisted he had to let me touch his bum before I would let him see me on the table. Fortunately I had a more understanding surgeon and he actually let me.

I co operated after that.

That's actually very sweet. I'm glad that you were treated nicely:).

 

[lost4awhile]

I have only read the first 3 paragraphs, but I already know where you are going with this post. I'm a pre-med student and have an experience I want to share with you that will hopefully make you feel better. First of all, being medical professionals of any kind they should not of treated you this way! It is completely unprofessional and dehumanizing. I feel terrible for you. If I could file a complaint for you I would.

You mentioned in the last paragraph that if you were not so flawed, perhaps your reaction to the anesthetic would have been different. I believe our minds may be more sensitive to drugs than others, but this does not mean that people w/out ptsd don't act this way also. It is our subconscious and we all have instinctual thoughts, whether we know it or not they are in there. Another common experience with individuals coming out of anesthesia are depressing thoughts or seeing someone who is deceased.

I'm so sorry that you had this experience. If the staff treated you as they should have(and even more so being health professionals) then you wouldn't feel as ridiculed and degraded. Although, I can't imagine how embaressing and disorientating it could be, but it is awful that you left there with worse feelings than just those. Perhaps the story of my boyfriend's experience will make you feel less humiliated. He had an almost all female staff when I took him in for his surgery. I have never seen him as red in the face as I did when he was being discharged. I guess during some point he woke up a bit also and became aware of all the pretty nurses around him. He said he remembered making an inappropriate remark about his obvious physical state and the nurses giggling. He heard the anesthesiologist say that he shouldn't be awake and falling back asleep while talking and hearing subsequent laughter. After the surgery nobody mentioned what happened until he asked if he woke up and the male surgeon just said, "yeah, you gave us some laughs." He is usually a confident guy, but he was so worried that he behaved inappropriately. It also helped that the male surgeon was a long time aquainance of the family so he knew he was not being ridiculed. I hope you can see that other's respond the way you did too and it is nothing to be shameful about. If that medical staff had any decency, you would of left there knowing that.

 

[Kb3]

Thanks lost4awhile, it does help to read what you wrote knowing that you are in the profession. It was very kind of you.

It was an extremely masculine environment, and they forgot that I was a human being. I feel very violated, and it has taken me a long time to even write about what happened. How I wish that it hadn't.:cry:

 

[Srain]

If they had only been professional and explained the awareness, their poor reaction to my being scared out of my mind about it, my hip injury and my reaction to the drugs I might have been okay, but they chose themselves and their litigation exposure instead, and abandoned me. I had a very delayed memory about what happened, and they probably just assumed that I would never remember it. I wish every single day that I hadn't.

I agree totally that had they only been "professional" but they were not. You were left to feel "abandoned" in a professional setting where we expect so much more and especially in under such circumstances.

Ultimately, the head surgeon is in charge. The patient is not culpable while under anesthesia, it's an obviously strong medication and different people react differently to it. I have had severe reactions following it's use so I have to be extremely careful after a surgical situation, more so this past several years. I'm personally not seeing anywhere here that's make you responsible for anything you may have done "under the influence".

If you are feeling shame I might look at it from a different angle. Sometimes it can come from being in situation where you feel victimized and helpless, where your expectation were that you would be taken care of and that did not happen, instead you felt yourself ridiculed and made fun of, "exposed" quite literally and manipulated perhaps? Anyway, you were not in full capacity of your facilities and therefore left you extremely vulnerable. That trust was broken, the trust between a physician and his/her patient prior to such a procedure that they would watch over you and take care of you. This is one of the reasons the Anesthesiologist comes around and introduces him or herself to the patient prior to the surgery, right? I'm assuming anyway.

I, personally, am appalled by it. I see no reason for you to have shame.
I may be repeating everything you already know but it's clear to me that you did nothing wrong despite the feelings you may be having.

((((((((Eat0429)))))))))))
I'm so very sorry you went through something so horrendous.

peace and healing my friend,
Rain

 

[Kb3]

What you wrote was so nice Rain that I don't really have the words to thank you well enough. You totally "got" what happened to me and I'm sorry that you had to experience the kind of trauma that you did to gain that level of understanding.:(

Peace and healing to you. God bless you and your incredible empathy.

 

[KP the nut]

((((((((Eat0429)))))))))))
I am truely sorry for your experience. I haven't been aware during any surgeries, but I do act inappropriately when I am being brought around. When I had my tonsils removed, a couple of the doctors were kicked in various places, after reading what happened to you I do hope one of them was your doctor. I also use lauguage which would make a trooper blush.

Please try to put aside the feelings of shame. When under anesthesia we are not responsible for our actions. I sometimes wonder if medical staff forget what trust vulnerable patients put in them. We trust them to do their job well and we trust them to treat us with dignity. They sure forgot that when they treated you with such disrespect. They are the ones who should feel ashamed, you deserve better.

I am so angry on your behalf. If it were me, I would send a letter to the staff involved and ask them if they thought their behaviour was acceptable. Ask them if they would like a relative to be treated with the same lack of consideration which was shown to you. Grrrrrr.

How can I stop feeling shame about this? I know that they carry much, if not all, of the blame, but I feel like that if I wasn't such a craven, flawed human being that I wouldn't have acted this way to begin with.

There is no easy answer, we cannot switch emotions and feelings off like a light switch (oh, I wish). But try and remember this. Be kind to yourself, tell yourself that it was out of your control. I had something happen to me once in hospital, I was young and scared to question the medical staff, I was scared to stand up for myself. I kept quiet and had a massive panic attack. I blamed myself for not being stronger and my T helped me see that at the time I didn't have the life skills to handle the situation. T asked what would I do now and I said I would speak up, I had learned from the experience.

There is no shame for you. You mention a hip replacement, I'd advice having a good talk to your doctor. You don't have to go into details but let him know you have had an awareness during the past and you knew that medical staff were unprofessional and disrespectful and that you will not allow it to happen again.

You also should try and not blame yourself, it wasn't you making you act like that it was the medications.

I guess I've rambled enough.

Take care
KP

 

[kimberley dawn]

You were being bullied by those that should have been professionals, and that's a shame. Shame on them, not you. As they all write here, those medications make us act real weird. Myself, I get manic after anesthesia and thats not as shameful,, or I just haven't got the wits about me to feel it, but I am sooo embarressed. I act like I own the world and have all the right answeres.... and I remember every second.

You poor thing, they were bullies and you were hospitalized in their care.

Hope you can see this incident as it is soon. good wishes sent your way!
KD

 

[Kb3]

Thanks KP and Kimberley Dawn, it's really nice of you both to write.

I did ask the surgeon if I had woken up during the surgery at a follow up appointment and he denied it flat out. He completely dismissed what happened after the surgery too by saying that he sees so many patients that he didn't remember "speaking" to me afterwards.

It was pretty obvious that he was lying, and that he was quite angry with me for asking about it. He told me that he was going to get in touch with my GP to let them know that I had asked, and the way he said it seemed threatening.I have a psychiatric history and little kids, so I knew that I couldn't really do anything but drop it.

I have also been advised not to write a detailed letter to them because it could be used against me legally, but I did write a very short note to the consultant anesthetist asking her if she could help me. She never answered it.

I was incandescently angry for a long time, but that anger was really just masking incredible sadness and shame. Even though I have told my husband (very briefly)about what happened, and also my therapist, I have just felt so alone with it. The whole thing has been just an incredible burden.

My husband doesn't blame me for what happened, but isn't really able to offer me the kind of support I need. I have completely worn him out, and this is not a subject that would do us any good to discuss at length. My therapist is great, but we haven't been able to crack this one yet. I'm sure that we will though, and everyone's support on this thread helps me with it so much. Thank you.