I love my wife in ways I didn't think possible. When she smiles, I feel my heart beat faster. When she laughs, I want to cry because it's the most beautiful think I've ever heard. When she talks to me, I hang on to every word. When she's next to me, I know everything is going to be OK.
We have been married for 6 years. When we first met, I was drinking quite a bit. I didn't realize it was an escape for the things I did until recently. She got pregnant, and I was starstruck. I stopped drinking. I was so excited that this amazing woman wanted to stay with me, so I proposed to her. It wasn't a great proposal because the ring I ordered for her came while she was visiting with me, and it caught me off-guard. I wish I could do that again...
As the weeks went by, I started falling deeper into the despair that has haunted me since I killed that child. I couldn't tell her about it, which was also a huge mistake, but I was afraid she would tell someone. I kept falling and distancing myself from her subconsciously, but everything I felt for her made it feel OK. I was inconsiderate of her needs because I kept trying to convince myself that she's happy. I was trying my best to live with a family and the hell that I've been going through at the same time.
My career came to an abrupt end when my reenlistment was denied due to injury. This crushed me, but it was a blessing in disguise. The further I get from military life, the better I can cope with what's bouncing around in my head. Or so I thought. I couldn't hold a job, and it got to where I couldn't even get through the interview without tensing up and panicking. We had to move in with her parents, which was terrible because they hated me. They saw from the outside how I was treating her, the things she didn't want to tell me because she loved me so much. However, instead of trying to help us, they tried to tear us apart. Eventually, they tried to turn our children against me.
I finally landed a job in November last year. Since my separation from the service, I've only had 2 jobs, and the first only lasted for 6 months. I had hoped this was the first step to my recovery, as I learned how to communicate again, most of which are complete strangers at their worst, (I work in an emergency room). Unfortunately, the only thing I learned was to put on a different mask. I was still terrible to my wife, and it was getting worse. I became ignorant, condescending, and cold. I was stupid and kept telling myself, "At least she's not going through what I am."
Now, she's filing for divorce. At first, I was OK with it. She wouldn't have to see me fall anymore. Her and the kids would be safe when the day that I inevitably snap comes. I could still have those feelings I get when I'm near her because we are still very close, and will always be close for the children, but at least she won't see me at my worst.
This all changed about a week ago. I stood up and climbed out of that hole. I put the shit that happened behind me because I realize there are no apologies to give or amends to make to anyone except myself and my family. The VA's pill-pushing can be damned. I'm stronger than that, and there's no point in living in a time where I didn't know my wife. All those years, I was unable to talk to her and communicate how I feel. I would try, but my insecurities would take over and I'd say something terrible by accident. I still see the look of horror on her face when I said, "I only married you because you were pregnant." I wanted to take my life when I realized I said that. Fortunately, that was the old insecure me. I know she can never forgive me, but I want her by my side forever. I've freed myself for her, but I'm afraid she'll never see that change, that she will only see the negative that pushed her to the breaking point.
I don't want this divorce. I know I can be the guy she fell in love with again, and she even said so a couple of days ago. She went out with friends, including the guy she's been going to for support through this, but when the night was winding down, she said she could only think of being with me. Though I protested, she had driven all the way across town while slightly intoxicated to be with me, and we spent the entire day together. Still, she says she wants this divorce to be done. I don't think she knows what she wants, but the divorce will help her see things more clearly.
What should I do? I can't let her go. I don't know how to convince her that I've changed. I know she still loves me, but she wants to protect herself from the man I used to be.
We have been married for 6 years. When we first met, I was drinking quite a bit. I didn't realize it was an escape for the things I did until recently. She got pregnant, and I was starstruck. I stopped drinking. I was so excited that this amazing woman wanted to stay with me, so I proposed to her. It wasn't a great proposal because the ring I ordered for her came while she was visiting with me, and it caught me off-guard. I wish I could do that again...
As the weeks went by, I started falling deeper into the despair that has haunted me since I killed that child. I couldn't tell her about it, which was also a huge mistake, but I was afraid she would tell someone. I kept falling and distancing myself from her subconsciously, but everything I felt for her made it feel OK. I was inconsiderate of her needs because I kept trying to convince myself that she's happy. I was trying my best to live with a family and the hell that I've been going through at the same time.
My career came to an abrupt end when my reenlistment was denied due to injury. This crushed me, but it was a blessing in disguise. The further I get from military life, the better I can cope with what's bouncing around in my head. Or so I thought. I couldn't hold a job, and it got to where I couldn't even get through the interview without tensing up and panicking. We had to move in with her parents, which was terrible because they hated me. They saw from the outside how I was treating her, the things she didn't want to tell me because she loved me so much. However, instead of trying to help us, they tried to tear us apart. Eventually, they tried to turn our children against me.
I finally landed a job in November last year. Since my separation from the service, I've only had 2 jobs, and the first only lasted for 6 months. I had hoped this was the first step to my recovery, as I learned how to communicate again, most of which are complete strangers at their worst, (I work in an emergency room). Unfortunately, the only thing I learned was to put on a different mask. I was still terrible to my wife, and it was getting worse. I became ignorant, condescending, and cold. I was stupid and kept telling myself, "At least she's not going through what I am."
Now, she's filing for divorce. At first, I was OK with it. She wouldn't have to see me fall anymore. Her and the kids would be safe when the day that I inevitably snap comes. I could still have those feelings I get when I'm near her because we are still very close, and will always be close for the children, but at least she won't see me at my worst.
This all changed about a week ago. I stood up and climbed out of that hole. I put the shit that happened behind me because I realize there are no apologies to give or amends to make to anyone except myself and my family. The VA's pill-pushing can be damned. I'm stronger than that, and there's no point in living in a time where I didn't know my wife. All those years, I was unable to talk to her and communicate how I feel. I would try, but my insecurities would take over and I'd say something terrible by accident. I still see the look of horror on her face when I said, "I only married you because you were pregnant." I wanted to take my life when I realized I said that. Fortunately, that was the old insecure me. I know she can never forgive me, but I want her by my side forever. I've freed myself for her, but I'm afraid she'll never see that change, that she will only see the negative that pushed her to the breaking point.
I don't want this divorce. I know I can be the guy she fell in love with again, and she even said so a couple of days ago. She went out with friends, including the guy she's been going to for support through this, but when the night was winding down, she said she could only think of being with me. Though I protested, she had driven all the way across town while slightly intoxicated to be with me, and we spent the entire day together. Still, she says she wants this divorce to be done. I don't think she knows what she wants, but the divorce will help her see things more clearly.
What should I do? I can't let her go. I don't know how to convince her that I've changed. I know she still loves me, but she wants to protect herself from the man I used to be.
