Should Be Happier Now, Worse Than Ever...

[Vanessa Hand]

Hi,

I was diagnosed with PTSD quite a few years ago but my treatment (general therapy) was stopped due to insurance changes. The paralysing anxiety all my life never changed much unless I had something to keep me very busy (kids, work). Kids are gone, on disability for several things, and living in public housing now. It was miserable where I was, and every day was torture. Now I have moved to a wonderful place, my disability was reviewed for 15 months (something to panic about) and should be happy, lots of my physical issues are being treated finally in my new town.

Now, the panic, anxiety and full blown attacks are worse than ever! I start EMDR soon, was re-diagnosed with PTSD this week. Could it be my body is short circuiting because I have so little to worry about? More time to think? I watch tv almost every waking moment to keep my head occupied. OCD is out of control. Quiet drives me crazy. There was 18 years of physical, emotional and sexual abuse by my evil alcoholic mother. Now that it's being addressed there is so much shame and stress that I should just 'get over it' in my mind.

Never had many friends, married 3 times but could never get truly close to anyone except my daughters who witnessed me having flashbacks and always comforted me. They live across the country now. Feeling unworthy or hopeless even in a great place is so hard, and I always feel like something horrible is just around the corner. Nights are hard so I just don't go to bed lately, guided meditations help me get to sleep during the day. Most of my physical abuse happened at night, so my therapist feels that is why I have trouble going to bed. This is all new to me, someone caring enough to help; or even understanding what is going on instead of just Generalized Anxiety.

Has anyone ever experienced that after they 'should' be happier?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Whenever I stop to appreciate all that I have, I always feel that I should be happier than I am. And it's not that I am not thankful for the good in my life, it's just that in co-existence with that is PTSD.

When I had my car accident that everyone survived, people would say "you must be so grateful" and I was, but I was also drowning in sorrow, fear, and being completely overwhelmed. But how to do you explain that to those who haven't experienced what you have. Yes, I am grateful, but there's a whole lot more to it.

Feelings are feelings and this is no right or wrong no matter if we or others think we should be happier or should be over it. Good luck with your therapy and know that you aren't alone.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It gets worse before it gets better. I remember very well how many years of feeling bad I experienced.

The more trauma that was experienced the more issues to work through.

Keep on fighting for your healing and recovery and it will eventually get much better.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I also was happy when I was raising my children. Everything was going along just fine and then I got poisoned at work, lost my career and my financial security and all my friends abandoned me. My PTSD got worse and worse. Everything you describe-that was me. On disability, trying to sell my house cuz I can't afford to heat it, no more vacations or even day trips. It sucks. But lately I've been making some progress. I have a trauma specialist, my meds are working but I do have days that my mood utterly collapses, but the big picture looks better. I will end up in subsidized housing although my daughter wants to have me live with her in an I law apt.

Anyway, I hope you can rally your defenses and feel better soon. I was told that PTSD never goes away but only into remission. If your life is too stressful, it will wield it's monstrous face.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Vanessa- I can really relate to your post. There have been so many times I felt like I should feel better than I do. Just recently, I was able to get off my medications after being in therapy most of my adult life and I thought I should just be thrilled every day because it has been something I have wanted for so long. I am grateful when I really think about it but my life is nowhere near perfect. Dealing with the lasting effects of trauma is never really "done". There will often be new things to cope with, triggers, new situations though the lows get less devastating the more help I get from therapy.

It makes sense that you are having more symptoms now since you restarted therapy. You mentioned, you stopped therapy before but it was because of insurance changes, not because you didn't need it anymore. And to not have distractions like kids and work to keep you occupied, I can see why more symptoms are coming up.

I had a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive childhood with an alcoholic father and crazy mother. I can tell you that it does get better and seeking therapy is worth it. Therapy can sometimes temporarily make symptoms seem worse because all of those issues that are pushed back in your mind come forward for you to deal with.

You might look into IRest, yoga Nidra. It is for people with PTSD and has helped me a lot with being able to sleep at night. I find it helps the intrusive thoughts and fears feel less intense.

Take Care

 

[KwanYingirl]

@TeaLeaf do you find yourself practicing yoga breathing? I've been taking Yin Yoga and I am also sleeping well. Also my back pain evaporated!!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Did your father ever sober up? Mine was a brutal alcoholic but his step father was my sexual abuser. When my father found AA he told me I had to forgive him. I just stared into space listening to his crap and that was the last time he ever had a conversation with me. He completely ignored me til he died. That was about thirty years. He got addicted to golf instead of forming relationships with his kids. A****hole.