Relationship Should I Just Ignore Him When He Comes Home Grumpy?

[Deleted member 28812]

Two examples - in both cases he came home with a grumpy look on his face.

1. I smiled at him and told him me and the older boy had baked a cake. His reaction: "I can see it. I have got eyes." "Do you want some?" -"I also have a mouth and would tell you."
2. He came home and ate silently. "So how was your day at work?" - "like always" - silence - much later "do you know X and Y are getting a divorce?" - "Who cares?" -later- "I bought two new dummy chains, see? Which one do you think toddler will like better?"- "No idea" (in a grumpy tone)
So I asked him why he was so angry. He said he was just not used to women (apparenty still not used to me after years of marriage) and their idiotic questions. He said I knew toddler better than him and must knew the answer better. Why do I annoy him with news about X and Y getting a divorce? They are my friends not his.

In both cases I could have seen before he was grumpy. What should I have done? Just avoided him? What he did - implying women are idiots - öffnendes mehr. Should I tell him or just let it Rest because he was having a Shitty day?

 

[ghotiff]

I read in a comedy book once about a mother who treaded difficult work colleagues with the same approach she used on her toddler. While this was meant as entertaining reading, I think it has some relevance and might help you think of some alternative options when he's grumpy. Some toddlers soothe with water play (the adult soothes with showers), some toddlers soothe with love and affection etc. This all assumes that you are able and willing to give him the same level of focus and attention that you would a toddler.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My toddlers never are that grumpy . If he was my toddler I would tell him to stop being disrespectful and get a better attitude.
But I see your point. You want to tell me to do something to cheer him up when he is grumpy. Typically I am trying this but chit-chat or nice things such as telling him about the cake we made for him do not work.

He might even get annoyed at nice things like flowers and ask you why you waste your money Buying them or (at other times of year) your time picking them.

To be honest I feel disrespected.

He can be great and fun at other times and I don't want to make it Sound like he is a horrible husband but I am sick and tired of getting grumpiness when just trying to be nice.

 

[Nicolette]

Typically I am trying this but chit-chat or nice things such as telling him about the cake we made for him do not work.

While your feelings are valid and should be respected, the thing I learned with males and even more so with males who have PTSD, is that they sometimes don't like coming home to idle chit chat. There are exceptions, and some loving men out there who are different, but I knew I couldn't walk in the door after a day at work and rattle off discussions about things and get a positive response (my sufferer is at home while I work). It was explained to me that he's having enough of a hard time trying to deal with what is going on in his head to worry about "silly little things". Now I know hearing something like that hurts!

The solution for me... I tried to not make too much idle chit chat nor ramble off my day's events as soon as I walked through the door. The deal was that after an hour or so I could bring up the most important things, and if he seemed grumpy, I would leave the rest for another time - if they were worth addressing at all. If he was fine and not grumpy I would chat away and I can now tell when enough is enough. My friends, including ones on here, were a godsend during this phase but it saved me from going mad and pushing him away.

A relationship is a two way street and you need to get your needs met. If something is not working, trying something else. It wasn't until I asked one day (when things were good and calm) that I was given an explanation to this behaviour which gave me a new respect for the reasons behind "the grumpiness" resulting from chit chat. This knowledge led me to back off, which in turn took the pressure off him, and now it's a distant memory unless he's having a flare up. Sometimes it's important not to sweat the small stuff or not to try too hard to treat someone how you would like as, while perfect for you (in this case the need to chat and have adult verbal interaction), it may not suit someone else. If you need to chat, call a friend for now and just see if it makes a difference :)

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Nicolette (and @anthony). Thanks for your Reply but I am still not sure what the reason behind his grumpy reaction to Chit-chat is. Could you explain again?

 

[intothelight]

Having PTSD will require at times you expend a whole lot of mental energy just to respond and manage to work through the stress of the day. You are literally fighting yourself to maintain a veneer of calm and civility when inside there I times I just want to stand up, walk out and drive to the middle of nowhere and be alone. By the time I get home, there are days I have no reserve left and just need some time to myself to decompress and collect my own scattered thoughts and emotions. I have no reserve or energy left to engage in anything and find "chit chat" irritating.

I explained it to my family using the analogy of when they have a really bad headache and need some quiet. It was important they understand it was nothing they did wrong and it was me and there are times I need some space just to recharge. So now before dinner is started and everyone is talking about their day, I spend an hour, walking, reading, out in the horse pasture or doing something in solitude that is calming. We strive for a balance to respect our individual needs along with the needs of a relationship.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is like that too... He needs some quiet to decompress when he gets home. He isn't able to work, but even after just leaving the house and being out where it is "unsafe" (I.e the rest of the word), he needs a little time. He can be an ass if I try to interact with him a lot before he's ready.

@Lemontree its probably really hard if you've been home with young kids all day. I used to lose my mind waiting for my husband when I stayed home with my babies. I couldn't wait to have another adult to talk to!