A parallel illustration - if he has done something that legitimately upsets me, and I explain it I do know that if he thinks he has actually been wrong, he will never, ever apologise - that is outside his capabilities. But he will change his actions, so I judge by how he lives, not by what he does or doesn't say.
Hey, also, that person who I have a distorted version in my head? Yeah, they do this, too, although not to such an extreme of never apologizing. But anyway, I've been learning lately that people communicate that they care differently.
I communicate that I care to people mostly through words, but sometimes my actions don't express my feelings or seem to contradict my words, which is no good. For instance, I may say, "Stenni, I really care about you, and I hope you know I'm always thinking about you," but then I go out for a nice coffee and a pastry, and I don't invite you or bring you back a treat, and I do this
every day.
Conversely, I know people who almost never talk about their feelings. My best friend in the whole wide world, for instance, never talks about his feelings. Ever. Unless I need his help with a practical problem, we don't talk about anything that's too deep--mostly surface-level stuff. But I know that he loves me, because he does things like sending me a picture from his trip abroad where he's holding a keychain he had when we met 11 years ago, the same keychain we first bonded over. That's love, y'know?
So I've found that acknowledging gestures (back to the relationship goodies appreciation-out-loud thing) that demonstrate caring or love is a really good way to remind
myself that support is being expressed, even if it's not being expressed in my native tongue (words). And
that in turn encourages me to become sort of like a bilingual carer, because when I notice and acknowledge out loud that someone is expressing caring to me through actions, it reminds me that maybe I should do things that express love in
their native languages, and I have found that it encourages reciprocation. Like, go through the motions with me. Supporter supports you in some fashion (working, making a meal, running errands, whatever). You express gratitude through words for this support. You think about this and decide to assist them through whatever gesture you can manage--cleaning a few dishes, sweeping the floor, folding some laundry, whatever thing you normally don't have the energy for and don't normally do. Maybe he will reciprocate by saying, "Thanks for _____ today."
I really think that this sort of issue is so much more about the sufferer's thoughts and feelings than it is about the supporter. You're saying that you feel invalidated and that your husband "carries" you in every "practical way," and I'm wondering if you are listening to negative self-talk and wanting someone on the outside to talk back for you and feeling dependent and therefore feeling guilt or shame as a result.
Making small changes that motivate you to talk back to your negative self-talk on your own or to engage in something that reminds you of your capabilities and makes you feel more confident can be very powerful and healing. It takes the supporter out of the picture and gives you responsibility for meeting your needs, if those are the needs you are expressing. But of course, I'm looking at this through my personal lens, and I could be very wrong.
