Relationship Should i stay or should i go now...

[AlshaSoDak]

It's been five days today (Saturday.) He called Thursday twice to talk. Tried to make me laugh, hashed or to understand. I wish I could give you that for the closure you want, but I can't." Why can't you? Is it because you're lost and don't know the answers yourself? "Possible."

He's texted me every day, or used Snapchat, mostly initiating. I intiated today, leaving it open ended. Just very surface things. He texted about his VA appointment yesterday which was unexpected in a good way. Ive tried not to push or pry, I know he needs space and privacy. He wants to laugh, lighthearted conversation. He wants it to be easy like it was before the feelings got in the way. Before the expectations set in. Before it got too deep too fast.

I feel like I'm drowning. I would move mountains for him if I could. He gets that. "I know you would go to the end of the world for me if I asked. If I needed it." I loved him right when no one else did. He knows that. "You gave me more than anyone else has; compassion, love, understanding. I give you well deserved credit for trying and sticking it out. You've done way more than enough." I'm a mess of emotions. I don't even know what's worse for me, to hold on or let go. He's seemed to have made his choice.

What kills me is it's in this awful rocky spot. He's been in a low.. and his son called last week which I totally know was a trigger. I'm so afraid he's trying to forget everything we've had. I don't know what to do. I miss him. And I'd wait 100 years if he asked. I'm sure it's a struggle to even think about what the future holds when you fight a battle to live or die daily. But I have hope. I can't shake it. If you don't have hope what do you have? I'm so lost. :( and sad. How do you just let it all go?

 

[Snowflakes]

@AlshaSoDak I'vet been following your story since you got here and just read your diary entry. I can't give you answers but I can share my experience.

I think he is trying to spare you the anguish, as he sees it, the life you might have together. My sufferer has mentioned that to me in the past. We are married now so there is a difference, in my heart, between walking away before or after a marriage. That said, none of us have a crystal ball so I don't know if I would have changed my decision 10 years ago even if I knew then what I know now. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic who thinks love conquers all. I know that's not true now but I thought it back then.

Like you, I still have hope. I've always had hope even in the face of hopelessness. I guess it's my nature. The problem is the illness doesn't give a darn about our hope when it's rearing its ugly head. I understand your feeling lost and sad. I've been lost and sad for 10 years and it's taken its toll on me. I didn't learn coping skills soon enough and now I'm in therapy for help pulling me out of the rabbit hole.

I don't have answers for you and for that I am sorry. But I do feel your pain and in this setting here I can quietly sit by you and tell you that you are not alone. Take care.

 

[AlshaSoDak]

@AlshaSoDak I'vet been following your story since you got here and just read your...

Oh I do appreciate that so very much. I'm at a loss. Mostly I've just tried to get back in touch with me. He did text earlier. Told me to go out for some ice cream with my daughter and enjoy the day.

And honestly, I've been reading a lot here today. Many newer members have been asking the same questions I have. And I did send a long text. It's day five, and things are still fresh. They still hurt. But I am realizing my faults too. Areas where I can improve.

I am thankful for shared experience and any advice on what I might do for me too. As much as I want to understand, I know the true core of happiness is gratefulness, not understanding. And I am always grateful for him. :) thank you for your always kind and helpful words.

 

[Snowflakes]

@AlshaSoDak I just thought of something and since you're searching by reading, this may help you. It is my sense that your sufferer has let you go and you're hurting because you can't understand why. A while back I had read a book about the concept of "Ambiguous Loss." While the book I read didn't give me answers on what to do about it, the book did make me understand why I was feeling the way I was.

I'm still in the rabbit hole so I'm probably not the best person to offer advice but I think if you google "ambiguous loss", that may address some of your feelings.

Take care.

 

[ChristineMGGV]

My Soldier had kept me distant from family and colleagues for years so finding this site is such a blessing as I feel I've had all these conversations but now I see it's not just him or just me. In that martyr way he would take a bullet for me, but share his feelings? I know hes pushing me away because he feels "All Screwed Up" and everyone has told him I'm too good for him, he's hurting me w/his behavior and he keeps taking when I have my own responsibilities. It IS true from a cut and dry point of view but he's more than that. I don't want to let him fall but he won't help hold on.
What to do?