Should I Trust Him?

[Urof]

My sufferer and I are both in our early 30s and have been in an on-and-off relationship for a few years. I can handle the PTSD and the TBI and all the implications that come with both of those. What I can't and will never and should never have to "handle" is wondering if he has been and will be totally faithful to me. I also know I have a tendency to be slightly overly worried about these things and perhaps read too much into things or connect dots where there are none. I also think the erosion of our relationship that's come from the unpredictable dynamics of PTSD has led to an erosion of trust in general. I know none of you know him or me and can't tell me what to do specifically, but I'm just wondering how you would feel and what you would do if it were you based on the following:

-Allowed a girl who we thought was our friend to come over at 2am because she called him saying she really needed someone to talk to. She's always had the hots for him and had already made that pretty clear yet he still invited her in. She ended up hitting on him and he asked her to leave but afterwards she went around telling everyone that he actually hit on her.

-Telling a girl from one of his classes in school that he had made friends that he wished she lived closer so they could go get drinks together after he and I had gotten into a big fight. She also said something about being an old soul and he said he was too and said "we're perfect." She has a young kid, and I'm not sure if she's together with the child's father or not.

-Texting nasty personal jokes to a now former friend of mine after she texted him one disgusting ones first. She's known to be like this with everyone, and he never liked her from the get-go, but I encouraged him to try and get along with her. She also cried foul and told me he was trying to hit on her.

-We broke up for about a year. For over 2 months, I went no contact because he was being verbally abusive. He kept trying to contact me the entire time, at times reaching out several times a day, saying he was going to do whatever it took to work himself out so we could be together. When we started talking again, he asked whether I had "dated" anyone new, and I said no, which was the truth. I asked him the same question, and he also said no. Later it came out that he had actually slept with multiple people during that time. Granted, we weren't together, and he was free to do what he wanted, but at the same time, I don't understand why he would tell me he was working on things and wanted me and only me when that was clearly not the case.

-Was unfaithful to his first wife one time and one time only while they were separated over a decade ago. They married very young after only meeting a few times, he knew it was wrong from the start, and he had just returned from his first tour and was at the height of his symptoms. Their marriage was pretty much already over, but it still happened. He's well aware it was the coward's way out and felt awful about it, saying he could never do that to anyone ever again.

That about sums up the various factors leading to my hesitancy to trust him. As far as I know, he has not been unfaithful while we were together. Also, to be fair, you're only getting the negatives, and furthermore, my side of them. These things aside and PTSD aside, he's a genuinely kind-hearted and affable guy.

Someone shoot me straight here. Am I grasping at straws or am I wise to tread cautiously here?

 

[Alug]

Someone shoot me straight here. Am I grasping at straws or am I wise to tread cautiously here?

IMO, neither.

It sounds like he is who he is, and you want him to change, but that's highly unlikely. Getting together with someone hoping they'll change is just a recipe for disaster. It doesn't matter how faithful he is or was. He talks to girls, and treats them like people, which will always make you suspicious. He makes dirty jokes, which is just sense of humor. And he was honest about his past, which means that bell can never be unrung.

Consider it this way; how likely are you to change? To not be suspicious of his having female friends and acquaintance? Or question if his sense of humor is actually leading to more? To not care that cheated on an ex, once, a long time ago? To understand that sport sex and dating are two totally different questions? To be totally chill and relaxed and never give a second thought to any of those things?

Snowflakes chance in hell, right? Because you are who you are, and that's highly unlikely to change. These are things that are on your mind. Always have been. Is that right or wrong? Nope. Neither. It just is. It's how you think and feel and view the world.

But you keep thinking that the way he thinks, and feels, and views the world would change IF he really loved you? That IF you got back together he would somehow become an entirely different person, with a different past, and a different way of thinking, feeling, and viewing the world? Does that parse?

 

[Awub]

She's always had the hots for him and had already made that pretty clear yet he still invited her in. She ended up hitting on him and he asked her to leave

Straws. Kudos to him for asking her to leave.

Telling a girl from one of his classes in school that he had made friends that he wished she lived closer so they could go get drinks together after he and I had gotten into a big fight.

Straws. I would be hurt, too, but I still think straws.

Texting nasty personal jokes to a now former friend of mine after she texted him one disgusting ones first.

Personal jokes about her? About the two of them? I'm 50 straws/50 cautiously here.

Later it came out that he had actually slept with multiple people during that time.

I would say cautiously for lying. Did it come out because he later told you or because you found out on your own?

He's well aware it was the coward's way out and felt awful about it, saying he could never do that to anyone ever again.

I would say straws. Although I am a firm believer in the sanctity of marriage, this was before y'all's time. And I'm assuming he was honest about it or you wouldn't have known about it.


Okay so funny thing -- your first paragraph describes my current (and past) situation with mine. And what's funny is I've been head over heels frantic about how awful and unfaithful he is, but reading similar things from you? They seem like straws. Although mine seems to lie about things more than yours does, which I think may be my main issue, but still. Makes me think that maybe I need to do some reevaluating. Also, it depends on what y'all's relationship expectations are. I have been cheated on in past relationships, so my relationship expectations are different.

Also seems like some of your female friends suck.

 

[Uka]

Romantic advice is guaranteed to go badly. One cannot tell what is in his head, or yours. One doesn't want to be blamed for the failed relationship, or the relationship-that-wasn't.

You'll never really be able to know his mind. Only yours.

Suggestion One: talk to him about it. Give him the heads-up a few days in advance, because emotions can be pretty unnerving for guys. Order in pizza, or your feel-good equivalent. Use "shrink speak:" "When you did [x], I interpreted it as [y] and it made me feel (insert emotion/reaction). Tell me what's going on, please." It's sometimes a lot easier for guys to process emotions like an object to be analyzed rather than a feeling with a name. The conversation might be really hard... but you're worth the effort. (please say yes to that last part. please.)

Suggestion Two: brush up on cognitive behavioral therapy. It's probably something he does, so I imagine you've looked at it before. Look again, though. It's particularly good for clarifying intentions and intended outcomes. Some of it will sound almost as patronizing as me, but it's always intended to be helpful.

 

[Rehijo]

Thank you for sharing that, Urof. I'm actually in a very similar situation, albeit, my SO and I haven't been "together" for as long as you have. I too struggle to trust him. My sufferer is not a vet but a victim of childhood abuse, and with that comes a certain secrecy I can't even blame him for, but that seriously impacts my ability to trust him nonetheless.

I have caught him lying to me a few times - most notably about who and how he's been in contact with other women. It turns out he had been texting with a few old flames, which I wouldn't even have an issue with, but since he lied about it, it's become one. He has also cheated on a previous girlfriend, which has set off alarm bells as to his moral compass. Add to that the many layers of his PTSD and how it manifests that I don't know about (and probably never will,) and it's very hard to get a grip on how trustworthy he really is. He too swears up and down that he has never and would never be unfaithful to me, but I have been burned before and I seriously struggle believing him. Needless to say, it has left me in a state of paranoia that is starting to interfere with our relationship. And needless to say, if I don't regain my sense of trust with him, it will naturally break us. (or his lying will have...)

I do think there is a tipping point when it comes to honesty. How much evidence do we really need until we deem somebody untrustworthy? Is it after one lie, or after the 5th, when they have already done great damage. I don't believe there is a person on this planet who never tells a lie, that doesn't mean they are all untrustworthy. However, when lies mount, there is a pattern, that's a different issue altogether.

It's a real mindf*ck of a problem - is the mistrust paranoia, gut feeling, or our own past traumas? Do you break up with someone on either of those accounts? Or do you need more "evidence"? How do you have a relationship when you're basically just waiting for more evidence to surface so that you can make a decision? I don't have answers to these questions, I'm asking that myself.

As to the examples you give, the two girls who allege he was hitting on them, hm. I don't know how credible those stories are if they could have just as well been hitting on him. That he invited that distressed girl over at 2 am doesn't have to mean all that much IMOP. I myself would struggle to turn someone away if they were in distress, no matter who they are. The only part that tings major bells is the fact that he wasn't honest with you about his activities while you were broken up. Sure that's maybe not something he'd have to volunteer, but when asked point blank, an honest answer should be expected. I'd want to know, just for health and safety reasons alone. And for me it would also be a test if we could reconvene on a basis of trust and respect. I think it's a bit cowardly that he was not upfront about that, and it sounds to me like he is the type of guy (or girl, they do it too) whose fear of losing someone or upsetting someone or otherwise creating conflict outweighs his desire to be honest. That's quite a dangerous character trait, and unless he is fully aware of that problem, I too would be struggling to trust.

That "tipping point" is such a personal and subjective thing. Sometimes we really just do need to wait to either feel more comfortable or, in fact, get more evidence. In the meantime, I am seeing a therapist to at least get to the bottom of my trust issues, regardless of whether or not he's actually still lying to me. I always come back to knowing that I would always, eventually, have this issue with anyone I date. I will always struggle to trust, and I would always have times when I don't believe a word that comes out of their mouth. Now is a good a time as any to get a handle on that.

It sounds like you have been betrayed before. I have too. Having to navigate that reality is what separates women from girls. It's no joke.

 

[Ovirud]

Sure that's maybe not something he'd have to volunteer, but when asked point blank, an honest answer should be expected.

Were you dating anyone? No.
Were you f*cking anyone? Sure. Lots of people. Wasn't dating anyone, though.

Isn't that honest?

 

[Urof]

Hi everyone, OP here. Thank you for your input so far; I appreciate the range of insights and opinions. To answer some of your questions, he told me the truth himself about his post break-up "activities" after hinting at it and me asking what was going on before finally just saying it, saying he could never sustain a lie to me. I could already sense something was off in his narrative prior to him coming clean because 1) I know him so well and 2) He's terrible at lying. He said the reason he didn't say anything was because it supposedly happened while we weren't talking, it was information that I didn't have a right to know since we were broken up, and because he was ashamed at how he handled himself after he felt he lost me. Help that helps provide a little clarification.

 

[Urof]

Were you dating anyone? No.
Were you f*cking anyone? Sure. Lots of people. Wasn't dating anyone, though.

Isn't that h...

It hinges on a technicality, but yeah, it's honest. Plus, I guess at the time I asked, he wasn't doing so any longer since we had started talking fairly often again and he got his hopes renewed.

 

[Mefi]

IMO, neither.

It sounds like he is who he is, and you want him to change, but that's highly unlikely. Getting together...

Makes sense. However, I also don't see the harm in asking him to simply be more mindful of situations that can result in unnecessary pain and conflict.

 

[Jezito]

^^

Makes sense. However, I also don't see the harm in asking him to simply be more mindful of situations that can result in unnecessary pain and conflict.

 

[Ogom]

Here a my 2 cents:

You are not doing anything wrong and maybe neither is he. Right and wrong don't matter here. Do you like his behavior? If not then it doesn't matter what is right. What matters is what will make you happy in a relationship. Will he change it? If he will then will he be happy or is this behavior how he sees a normal relationship?

See the idea is not to choose who's right or wrong. The idea is to have a relationship that is fulfilling. If his relationships with other women are not acceptable to you but he thinks it's fine then it doesn't matter if he actually cheated or if he might in the future. It only matters that it's not what you are looking for.

If it's a real breaker then move on and find someone who has the same ideas on how a relationship should go. Don't spend any more time trying to make this one different.