- Post starter
- #61
desiderata310
VIP Member
I made a promise to stay alive-72 hour- till my next session on Monday. At this point whatever it takes is what it takes.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Should I?
- Post starter desiderata310
- Start date
- Status
I would really like to be a part of supporting you, if you're interested. I truly do understand where you are at. And I believe in you.
I've had to make a lot of those short term pacts to stay alive, and I'm learning to find small ways to live in those periods, rather than just survive them.
Is there any activity, any action, that still brings you a bit of peace or lightness besides cutting? Anything that lets you breathe and remember better times?
I've had to make a lot of those short term pacts to stay alive, and I'm learning to find small ways to live in those periods, rather than just survive them.
Is there any activity, any action, that still brings you a bit of peace or lightness besides cutting? Anything that lets you breathe and remember better times?
Last edited by a moderator:
- Post starter
- #63
desiderata310
VIP Member
Running. Hence I am going to try to get my long run in today even though I feel like dog shit
- Post starter
- #64
desiderata310
VIP Member
Actually running lets me shut the brain down which is a ok too
I love to hike. And often I start my hike feeling awful, but by the time I'm done, a lot of weight lifts off.
Ironically, cleaning out drawers in my house is relaxing- getting rid of junk and clutter, simplifying the little spaces of my life.
Mostly I want to say that when I think of killing myself, it's because I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. And if I can get through a day or two of breathing and finding something little to enjoy, I can see a little more light in the world- so I just keep looking for more little things that don't make me sad, or let me think too much.
Ironically, cleaning out drawers in my house is relaxing- getting rid of junk and clutter, simplifying the little spaces of my life.
Mostly I want to say that when I think of killing myself, it's because I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. And if I can get through a day or two of breathing and finding something little to enjoy, I can see a little more light in the world- so I just keep looking for more little things that don't make me sad, or let me think too much.
Last edited by a moderator:
Link Removed -- I am so sorry you are in that much pain. How can I support you?
I've never had a suicidal ideation, only because I am terrified of dying. I'm afraid there might not be an afterlife and I would just cease to exist in any form. I am desperate to learn how to enjoy my life again. What keeps me going is faith that a new miracle drug or mode of therapy will come along and enable me to begin the healing process. As long as there is live, there has to be hope.
I've had both good therapists and bad ones over the years. One thing I know for sure is that if I felt suicidal, I would have to believe all of them would have wanted to hear about it and take immediate steps to help me, even it was to hospitalize me. If I truly felt safe with a therapist, as I do with my current one, I should have little trouble getting on the phone to them. If they didn't answer, I'd leave both voice and text messages.
I've never had a suicidal ideation, only because I am terrified of dying. I'm afraid there might not be an afterlife and I would just cease to exist in any form. I am desperate to learn how to enjoy my life again. What keeps me going is faith that a new miracle drug or mode of therapy will come along and enable me to begin the healing process. As long as there is live, there has to be hope.
I've had both good therapists and bad ones over the years. One thing I know for sure is that if I felt suicidal, I would have to believe all of them would have wanted to hear about it and take immediate steps to help me, even it was to hospitalize me. If I truly felt safe with a therapist, as I do with my current one, I should have little trouble getting on the phone to them. If they didn't answer, I'd leave both voice and text messages.
- Post starter
- #68
desiderata310
VIP Member
Thanks folks.
I am certainly not back to 100% but I'm better tonight.
I did talk to my therapist this afternoon. He loaned me his dog and that experience- having Buddy with me on the beach and then to walk me back through my apartment and do my check out side. wow. but that's another story for another day when I'm not so tired.
Back to our talk. He agreed that it was most certainly a reaction to the meds and the sleep depreviation that ensued as a result.
One of the things we discovered a while back is that I am hyper sensitive to medication. I talked with him briefly over the last few days how I had upped the amount and the reaction my sleep had. I was only over 100mg for a couple of days and the 150 for 2. But I had already been at 50 for over a week and was going downhill.
I'm still FEEL very... wrong? weepy. LIke I've been through a terrible ordeal and not everything has settled back into place yet.
I don't feel entirely stable. I'm pretty much prone to start crying right now over... nothing but things that SHOULD make me sad(a really sad Dr Who episode for instance) left me feeling nothing.Maybe too much stimulation?
Can't say how I feel about dying all the way but that desire is .. not as great. the anxiety and need to do that has faded a bit. It's left the shocking gut wrenching feeling in its place that is really hard to describe. I was so close. I was so determined. Now it's a thought. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I'm off to take atavan and sleep- hopefully a dreamless sleep.
Hopefully
I am certainly not back to 100% but I'm better tonight.
I did talk to my therapist this afternoon. He loaned me his dog and that experience- having Buddy with me on the beach and then to walk me back through my apartment and do my check out side. wow. but that's another story for another day when I'm not so tired.
Back to our talk. He agreed that it was most certainly a reaction to the meds and the sleep depreviation that ensued as a result.
One of the things we discovered a while back is that I am hyper sensitive to medication. I talked with him briefly over the last few days how I had upped the amount and the reaction my sleep had. I was only over 100mg for a couple of days and the 150 for 2. But I had already been at 50 for over a week and was going downhill.
I'm still FEEL very... wrong? weepy. LIke I've been through a terrible ordeal and not everything has settled back into place yet.
I don't feel entirely stable. I'm pretty much prone to start crying right now over... nothing but things that SHOULD make me sad(a really sad Dr Who episode for instance) left me feeling nothing.Maybe too much stimulation?
Can't say how I feel about dying all the way but that desire is .. not as great. the anxiety and need to do that has faded a bit. It's left the shocking gut wrenching feeling in its place that is really hard to describe. I was so close. I was so determined. Now it's a thought. I'm not sure that makes sense.
I'm off to take atavan and sleep- hopefully a dreamless sleep.
Hopefully
Really glad you are feeling steadier. The emotional volatility should settle over the next few days as well. Trazadone disrupted your body's natural brain chemistry, and it will need a bit of time to regain its balance. Drink lots of water, eat regularly, with lots of fruit and veggies, and avoid sugar and processed foods. Try to keep a consistent sleep schedule as well. If sleep doesn't come right away, stay in bed and meditate. You need to focus on a healthy self and try to keep away from any thoughts or activities that bring you down. Take very good care of yourself!
- Post starter
- #70
desiderata310
VIP Member
Went back in today for my appointment. 72 hours later. heh..
umm. wow.
So, besides the fact that I was not ready to crawl out of my skin walking down the road to our appointment (we're meeting at the coffee shop so I don't have to deal with the PP protestors), my therapist noted that I was also cracking the occasional joke and I was back to my usual snarky sarcasitc self...to some degree. I was watchful- but not in the same way I had been. I kept the headphones in and music playing just to make sure.
We talked about what happened over the last few weeks and he had been looking at the purely circumstantial stuff the issues with the dogs, the workmen, the PP protestors- which all had an impact but triggered my need for the meds to sleep. That was when I had started taking the meds regularly and things had just snowballed. He's asked me to start keeping a sleep journal so that we can track out what's going on there since it seems to be at the center of a lot of things.
We agreed that Trazodone should be avoided at all cost.
We talked briefly about the conversation we had on Friday. He was scared for me and I went straight into panic mode. I explained what I COULDN'T on Friday. Even in an "unlocked" ward they do things like take your SHOELACES away. The thought, I told him, was more than I could bare. He was worried given my history with a lock up that I would be more traumatized. It was- he felt- a last resort.
He said that while I was certainly very weepy (Oh lawd the TEARS in session today!) HE noted that I was not alerting in any way as bad as I had been. He watched me 'notice' a noise at the door, pause, look at Buddy, and continue to talk. He said last week that I would have still been staring at the door and it would have taken quite a bit of work to pull my focus. When Buddy relaxed immediately, I relaxed immediately. Last week I wasn't, according to him.
Hyperviglience on steroids, anyone? I remember what it felt like. I thought my heart was going to explode because of the panic. I was terrified of who was out there. I was convinced that I was in danger being in there. I was convinced that I needed to be ready to bolt at a moment's notice. yep, I'm tearing up again.
Woof
My sleep hygene isn't where we would like it to be but it is better. 1 or 2 nightmares and back down in a "reasonable" amount of time is better than what I was doing. ie- not sleeping at all. waking up every 30 minutes or so and barely getting back to sleep before waking up again with a nightmare.
We had a conversation about my SH. I don't always SH. I have other ways of dealing with things so SH is not my method of choice; it's one of last resort. I pointed out to him that things are really bad when I start back on my arms because I am not thinking through clearly what it is I am doing. I told him (I have two very bad cuts on my forearm right now) that in my head, it made sense to keep cutting that same place thinking I could pass them off as cat scratches. They don't look like cat scratches. They look like ugly, angry cuts put there on purpose. We did have a laugh joking about long distance running as a subsitute for of SH. (since I ran that 16 miler yesterday- not Saturday) I told him the ultimate SH alternative was not 'holding' a block of ice but getting into an ice bath (typical runner stuff after a long distance run) when you have serious chafing from your run.
He said it was good to see me again.
I kept apoligizing. I really feel terrible for all of this. His respose was that I just couldn't see it when I was I the middle of it.
I couldn't. It doesn't make me feel any better about what happened. It doesn't make me feel any better about how close I came. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better about how I was almost hopsitalized. He said that he could tell I had quit thinking. There was no process there, just fear.
I'm terrified of this happening agan.
He did say that he felt that getting back to EMDR will help with the nightmares. But we are a ways off from that still. He wants to try to figure out how to keep me from getting back to that state first.
Stupid brain.
*sigh*
Back to work tomorrow.
Today I'm hanging at the house where it's quiet. Told my boss i had a bad reaction to medication. (certainly not a lie)
Been looking at dog adoption on line. Maybe I'll get the headphones in and go investigage today.
Maybe I'lll take another nap first.
umm. wow.
So, besides the fact that I was not ready to crawl out of my skin walking down the road to our appointment (we're meeting at the coffee shop so I don't have to deal with the PP protestors), my therapist noted that I was also cracking the occasional joke and I was back to my usual snarky sarcasitc self...to some degree. I was watchful- but not in the same way I had been. I kept the headphones in and music playing just to make sure.
We talked about what happened over the last few weeks and he had been looking at the purely circumstantial stuff the issues with the dogs, the workmen, the PP protestors- which all had an impact but triggered my need for the meds to sleep. That was when I had started taking the meds regularly and things had just snowballed. He's asked me to start keeping a sleep journal so that we can track out what's going on there since it seems to be at the center of a lot of things.
We agreed that Trazodone should be avoided at all cost.
We talked briefly about the conversation we had on Friday. He was scared for me and I went straight into panic mode. I explained what I COULDN'T on Friday. Even in an "unlocked" ward they do things like take your SHOELACES away. The thought, I told him, was more than I could bare. He was worried given my history with a lock up that I would be more traumatized. It was- he felt- a last resort.
He said that while I was certainly very weepy (Oh lawd the TEARS in session today!) HE noted that I was not alerting in any way as bad as I had been. He watched me 'notice' a noise at the door, pause, look at Buddy, and continue to talk. He said last week that I would have still been staring at the door and it would have taken quite a bit of work to pull my focus. When Buddy relaxed immediately, I relaxed immediately. Last week I wasn't, according to him.
Hyperviglience on steroids, anyone? I remember what it felt like. I thought my heart was going to explode because of the panic. I was terrified of who was out there. I was convinced that I was in danger being in there. I was convinced that I needed to be ready to bolt at a moment's notice. yep, I'm tearing up again.
Woof
My sleep hygene isn't where we would like it to be but it is better. 1 or 2 nightmares and back down in a "reasonable" amount of time is better than what I was doing. ie- not sleeping at all. waking up every 30 minutes or so and barely getting back to sleep before waking up again with a nightmare.
We had a conversation about my SH. I don't always SH. I have other ways of dealing with things so SH is not my method of choice; it's one of last resort. I pointed out to him that things are really bad when I start back on my arms because I am not thinking through clearly what it is I am doing. I told him (I have two very bad cuts on my forearm right now) that in my head, it made sense to keep cutting that same place thinking I could pass them off as cat scratches. They don't look like cat scratches. They look like ugly, angry cuts put there on purpose. We did have a laugh joking about long distance running as a subsitute for of SH. (since I ran that 16 miler yesterday- not Saturday) I told him the ultimate SH alternative was not 'holding' a block of ice but getting into an ice bath (typical runner stuff after a long distance run) when you have serious chafing from your run.
He said it was good to see me again.
I kept apoligizing. I really feel terrible for all of this. His respose was that I just couldn't see it when I was I the middle of it.
I couldn't. It doesn't make me feel any better about what happened. It doesn't make me feel any better about how close I came. It certainly doesn't make me feel any better about how I was almost hopsitalized. He said that he could tell I had quit thinking. There was no process there, just fear.
I'm terrified of this happening agan.
He did say that he felt that getting back to EMDR will help with the nightmares. But we are a ways off from that still. He wants to try to figure out how to keep me from getting back to that state first.
Stupid brain.
*sigh*
Back to work tomorrow.
Today I'm hanging at the house where it's quiet. Told my boss i had a bad reaction to medication. (certainly not a lie)
Been looking at dog adoption on line. Maybe I'll get the headphones in and go investigage today.
Maybe I'lll take another nap first.
AngelKeeperJ
Sponsor
For me, I am forced to stay in this world because I love too many people to ruin them. It's really about not wanting to feel the way I do. That I am NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOR WILL EVER BE....
It takes COURAGE TO STAY!!! A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T 'GET' THAT!
Last edited by a moderator:
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
Latest posts
-
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- Latest: Seraphine fatal
-
