Relationship Should My Hubby Have A 'girl' Friend????

[Kintsugi]

'Hidden'? So, like, you can't see her number or her messages or something?

When I ask myself if what I'm doing is wrong, I wonder what others would think if they were observing my behavior transparently. When I feel compelled to hide something, something is rotten in Denmark.

Watch out for yourself and sending warm thoughts to help your husband through his struggle.

 

[Sunshine71]

Just another thought.

The past month or so has been a real rollercoaster. We have got on like a house on fire when he was feeling good. Better than we have in a long while. And then the mood swings and such lows. Suicide was talked about and he cant go on.

I do feel that this extra guilt has been pushing him and made the PTSD symptons even worse - he is suffering from guilt over an accident that happened a long time ago - that wasnt his fault. And now this with a woman he was starting to have feelings for was more icing on the already iced cake.

Creating a superficial quick bit of a breather from the challanges we are dealing with has created more guilt leading to more stress - then more nightmares and flashbacks etc - when I am here trying to help him get through these challanges - he is creating more :O(

I know he cant help it as such - although he had the know how to set up her details on his phone as hidden !!! :O(

 

[PerfectEmpire]

You mention that he was feeling suicidal during the weeks leading up to this. Feelings of isolation and suicide go hand in hand. PTSD can feel very isolating, even when you're married, even when you're doing well in your career and have a robust social life. This is referred to as Loneliness of Emotional Isolation or Emotional Loneliness (vs Social Loneliness). Everything can be going well and the person will still feel heavily isolated.

Loneliness makes people do crazy things, especially this sort of loneliness! Don't expect this to blow over easily. He might do all kinds of crazy things to make the feeling of emotional isolation go away. Remember, new romance (even if it's unrequited) is like a drug. He will do anything to maintain the flood of neurotransmitters because of the relief they provide him. The thought of not talking to her anymore, of ending the possibility of further romance/fantasy/sexuality will be unbearable at first. There will likely be anger, sadness, guilt, grief and anything else you can imagine. Incredibly hurtful things might be said. Be prepared for this and remember not to take it personally. Give each other lots of space during this time, but maintain clear and consistent communication.

While he goes through all this, you will have to grieve and work on rebuilding trust. Your trust is probably already damaged. You can drive yourself crazy dealing with this issue on your own. There are many great books about this on the market and even more therapists who would be willing to help you.

 

[Innordinate]

I'm married.
I have a "girl" friend.
One really close one and I have met with other women 'secretly' and with the intentions probably of cheating on my wife. Never have though. Sometimes I just want something without the expected intimacy and a lot of it is maybe she'll finally leave me if I do actually cheat on her. Maybe your husband is like me and is trying to get you to leave so you don't have to suffer because of him...?
The close friend, funny enough, wouldn't let me do that to my wife so she's 'safe' even though my wife thinks she's not.

 

[Nicolette]

IMHO Innordinate that is actually quite cruel to your wife. If you want to leave then tell her but making her leave you buy doing the wrong thing - that's just sad. Letting your wife think she has a threat but hasn't is also unnecessarily stressing her - that's not how I would treat someone I love.

I get the "wanting something without intimacy" but if you don't want your wife to suffer because of you I would actually suggest you re-think your strategy as by my thinking you are making her suffer even without cheating.

 

[Innordinate]

Letting your wife think she has a threat but hasn't is also unnecessarily stressing her - that's not how I would treat someone I love.
.

She thinks she has a threat because she actually did cheat on me, so she's got her own paranoia issues there.
My close friend has helped me through a lot and it's not my fault if my wife can't get over her jealousy issues but she's supposed to be working on it and I think she's getting better. We also have certain rules that I follow in communicating with my one friend.
As for leaving. I've tried. I can't. I'm not strong enough to do what's right. Never have been. Still not.

Probably also a possibility. I don't love her and thrive on her suffering? Just a thought.

Sorry Sun, for getting off topic.

 

[valdoodle]

Sunshine 71, my heart goes out to you. I was in a very similar position which unnecessarily spiralled out of control. The stress of PTSD accumulates. It was my tiredness from having to work to keep the show on the road. His daughter from another relationship not contacting him for 7 months including over Christmas. Flashbacks at the beginning of a 3 week holiday in Ireland which never left him etc. etc. Stress!!!!! My own feelings on how to help your situation is to STOP the spiral now. You have already put boundaries up. They have got to be right. I did the same but too late. Out of it all, they were and still are the only right thing. Stress makes PTSD worse so its fight or flight I guess.

A bit about why I understand. My partner had been acting strange too, txts which got deleted (he saved the ones from family) Yes, I shamefully checked his phone :-( I knew something was not right. We had been together 14 years and had no secrets from the past. Sometimes I wish we had because a woman who came on to him offering him sex before we met and he told me was 'gorgeous' called for him 3 times at our home. There were also phone calls from an unknown woman which said 'wrong number'. The final time she called was one of my normal work days but I was on holiday. He answered the door like a frightened rabbit. There was whispering and when I went to see if he needed help with the caller I saw her and him telling her it was "not cool" to visit. I have since got into a lot of trouble from him for telling her to "PISS OFF" but that was my gut reaction. The jigsaw fell into place in a heartbeat. I told him to leave. I deeply regret this now because it hurt him too much and it broke me. I wish I had reacted with love not hate.

This was too late in the situation. You are at the beginning of this. There is hope for your relationship if you stop the situation, he stops being so selfish and takes responsibility for his life with you. You need to talk with love. Anger, jealousy, resentment will not help. Whatever happens, I suggest you do it with love because you will both need to support each other.

We both regret not having stopped the spiral. We both still love each other but he has told me he does not want a relationship, with her, me or anyone. He just captures hearts, possibly women sense his vulnerability with PTSD, I did. We are 6 weeks into a separation. We talk with love now. I hope you can do this sooner and better than I did. I found the 'sticky' posts on relationships and PTSD really helpful in keeping me sane!!!! :alien:

I am thinking of you both. with love.

Innordinate, please don't do this to yourself or your wife. You both deserve better.

 

[Innordinate]

Or maybe the guy just wants a friend and feels he HAS to hide it from his wife because she's easily jealous for no good reason?
I don't know Sun if thats you or not but really....... how fair is it to tell someone they can / can not have a friend because of your own insecurities? It's not.
Set ground rules for what you think is tolerable.
It's hard enough to find a friend when you have PTSD, let alone a good one, let alone one you can open up with.
I think this must be easier for women to do as well from everything I read on here. Even I think just having PTSD is easier for women.

 

[Brontie]

Sunshine 71,

People should be able to have friends of either sex.

One good test of it being a genuine friendship and mutual respect thing is for all involved parties to get together to get to know each other. I think someone above mentioned that already.

A simple invite to the new friend and her partner could tell us all we need to know about the new relationship.

 

[Tosh]

I really think it's odd that he put her details under "hidden". That's secretive to me.

I wish you strength going through this situation, my heart really does go out to you. At this point I would say to try and keep the focus on you. It's out of your hands, he is his own person and will do what he wants right or wrong. Don't jump to conclusions, but keep your eyes open. In the meantime, why not keep working on you? Maybe find some things to do to take your mind off the situation. Go for a nice walk at sunset, make yourself a gormet lunch, find an inspiring book to read, maybe buy a new outfit, go out with some friends, start a new hobby, keep enjoying life. :)

You did a wonderful thing by standing up for yourself and setting some boundaries. If he's not will to respect the boundaries and think about YOUR feelings, well then I guess you'll have to decide whether it's worth it or not.

Couple's counseling is another suggestion, it helped me in my relationship. Sometimes having an outside perspective can work wonders. If he won't go, then you can always go without him.

Good Luck to you

 

[Cthulhu]

I as a female have male friends. Well, in fact I have only male friends (and some female acquaintances), it's been like that since I was about 19 or so. Just because I never really fit to females on a communicative level, I'm more like an 80% inner man regarding thinking styles etc..
Yes it's true such a friendship CAN go way to far if one (oneself) doesn't set the right boundaries from the start on. I always do, everything else would be totally unfair- either towards my partner or my friend.
Yes this needs a huge amount of a partner's trust but I think- trust is what a relationship is all about. I have to trust him, too, and yes it isn't always easy. But a healthy relationship can withstand and tolerate that and in the end make it much stronger than it ever was. Always keeping in mind that the 'befriended' partner doesn't start a sexual relationship with his 'friend'.

But well, I've been cheated on in the past, too. Lost my ex to someone in exactly this way. You have to be watch- and careful, true.
In a way I can relate to innordinate- testing a relationship like that to get rid of a partner. Yes it's totally unfair, bad, cowardly to do something like that. I never did it conciously but I may have done it nevertheless. I cannot end a relationship without basing on something extreme that happened.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

All of the love in the world is meaningless without respect. If your spouse does not trust you, you need to be giving him/her ample attention and going to couple's therapy, NOT sneaking around behind his/her back. That is a recipe for disaster, sex or no sex. It is also terribly disrespectful.

Remember, an affair does not have to be physical and many physical affairs begin as "friendships" that are actually emotional affairs.

It's more than a friendship if:
-The person you look forward to seeing most is not your spouse but the "friend"
-The first one you think about when you wake up and the last one you think about when you go to bed is not your spouse but your "friend"
-If you have a nightmare or emotional happening, the first person you run to for support is your "friend" and not your spouse
-You constantly go around saying "We're just friends".
-You don't want to talk to your "friend" in front of your spouse; you prefer to communicate with them privately and will go to great lengths to preserve that privacy
-You put more time and effort and energy into your "friendship" than into your marriage
-You constantly fantasize about your friend and can't get them out of your head

It doesn't have to be sexual to be pervasive and catastrophic.

If you and your partner cannot agree on boundaries even after counseling and education, then have some decency and respect and end things so that they can move on and find somebody who shares their vision, for love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward in the same direction. The former (gazing at each other) is not love, but infatuation.