Relationship Should My Hubby Have A 'girl' Friend????

[HEART BROKEN]

I see this is an old thread, but wanted to add my thoughts.

My husband's abusers were all men; because of this I think he gravitates towards women, not to mention in his line of work it is all women. Out of his 400+ Facebook Friends - less than 100 are men (haven't actually counted, but estimated by glance). I have jealousy issues from my first husband's lying and cheating, however my husband has been nothing but honest with me from the beginning our relationship.

He doesn't try and hide things, but doesn't tell me everything (lunches, texts, emails, etc). To him they are all just friends. To me they are threats. I am working very hard at understanding his friendships. I am not privy to meeting them, as most are work related or school related, which adds to my insecurities, but that is my issue. We did have a situation where my anxiety (fueled by my gut's intuition) surfaced and I put my foot down. He choose to "de-friend" this person out of respect for me.

My thoughts here are to be patient, rational, and trust your gut instinct over time.

 

[ClairBear226]

I was prepared to jump in here as a female that has several male friendships that are very valuable to me, as well as a happy 15 year long marriage. All hyped up and prepared to defend the platonic male/ female relationship. I probably have at least as many friends that are male as I do female. 2 are people that have PTSD, one of which I met long before my husband. I also participate in a rather male dominated hobby (I'm a bagpiper in a pipe band), so I have several good friends from there as well (most of whom do NOT know I have PTSD. I like the "normal" world too).

I've actually been offended when people assume there could be something "more" going on than there is. On the contrary, I've been able to provide a female standpoint when discussing issues that does not have the emotional tie of a spouse, and have a better understanding of how my hubby might think or respond because I have that sounding board. It's not only not been a threat, it's actually been quite valuable. I can be utterly frustrated beyond belief, pick up the phone or shoot off an email, and get a completely different point of view, calmly and reasonably, that I might never have considered. I have also met male friends in a bar without my husband. I have been both the sounding board, and the one needing it.

That said, let me make this very clear. There is absolutely nothing that I have discussed that my husband could not hear. There is no text or email that would not be okay for him to read. I could open up anything at any time, let my husband read, and have no fear of him feeling threatened, even though our spouses are sometimes the topic of conversation.

I completely agree with PerfectEmpire. I would also say that "protecting" a computer or cell phone is a big fat warning sign. If a friendship is only a friendship, there should be nothing to hide. Though on the surface I like Tosh's idea of "dropping in" and paying close attention to their reactions, I would caution you against anything that could be perceived as a manipulation tactic. In my experience, upfront honesty is generally the best way to go.

(Gosh - I just saw this as an old thread too. Sorry, didn't look at the date)

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks to you all for your words and I am so glad Proud Wife 99 will also take something away.

Please dont worry about being as old thread - its still very real this end and I hope others may benefit too.

I have met the 'girl' friend and she is really nice.

You are right withholding her details and not telling me that they were meeting is wrong and not acceptable - well to me anyway.

Especially when hubby does nothing family wise and I get the raw end of the deal constantly.

I am scared/ angry that that he will want to meet her even as a friend and has suggested with our son and her son too. Why should they get to go out and have a laugh - its likely that I will be working trying to pay the bills

Still hoping things will improve... all round really....

All the best to you all

Sunshine

 

[Nicolette]

Hmmm.... I feel it best I don't comment but to me it doesn't sound good. It could simply be escapism with women who bear no emotional consequence so there is not as much pressure but first there was one, now there are two, is there any denial on your behalf?

As said on the previous page - if it was all innocent why the secrecy??? I have trust issues due to situations like this so I am probably not a fair judge as I have a bias and to me what I read is not how I would believe a trusting relationship would be conducted. PTSD or not!

 

[kapalago]

Hello Sunshine - I'm not sure I'm the best person to be dishing out relationship advice... but something that first hit me when I read your post was the thought that your husband might be looking for something (or someone) in his life that doesn't know about his PTSD and therefore someone that he can be "normal" (sorry - hate that word in that sentence but can't think of a better one) with - with no PTSD history, PTSD baggage etc.

(((((big hug))))

I Agree with this

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you Nicolette - You are quite right.... What is keeping me going is being positive and focusing on hubby getting better... Maybe it is denial too.... I am quite scared to think that this is our life forever .... I cant live like it. Although this evening was quite fine.

And Kapalago - again quite right - I know that for hubby this is someone who doesnt know about the PTSD and everything like struggling to think, struggling to pay the bills, dealing with our sons tantrums and all of stress of the car accident etc... I saw another email this evening - I had to use his laptop and this was in the sent items...

Sent at times when he could be having a cuddle with me in bed (around 6am) and another email around 8am - when I am rushing around getting our son ready for school and he is sitting there typing out chatty emails....

I do feel that there is nothing in this and beleive that they are friends - although of course I wish he was sending fun and light hearted messages to me, talking or anything.....

In fact I will mention some of the words here ....

Am I deluded???

Yours hanging on in there......

Sunshine x

Hope your first day was super great and that today will be even better with more laughs, smiles, happiness and fun..
Are you doing anything exciting today?
(Various questions asked...) And........what is your favourite number? :O)

Wishing you all the magic in the universe

Your best buddy

 

[Nicolette]

I'm sorry Sunshine but I don't like it and would be quite upset. IMHO I would feel cheated upon - you should be the first person he speaks to like that.