Relationship Should My Hubby Have A 'girl' Friend????

[OKRADLAK]

Very sad situation on top of an already sad situation! My heart goes out to you. Don't let him hurt you after all the ways you are trying to help him! That is totally unacceptable. Does he realize if you leave, it's him, his PTSD and a woman who won't even give a crap? Let HER see him when he has a PTSD rage. Tell him to take it to HER. Let's see how long THAT lasts!!

 

[BigBear]

Let HER see him when he has a PTSD rage. Tell him to take it to HER. Let's see how long THAT lasts!!

Quite appropriate in terms of natural consequences. However, I would think that the additional loss of trust would be unacceptable. There's been enough of that already. If he's gone that far then the other implied components do not bear thinking about!

Bear

 

[Frankie]

All I can say to this is, Sunshine you did exactly what had to be done in a situation like this, you talked to your husband and told him that his actions were not acceptable. You saw something that could have gone beyond a "normal" friendship and you stepped in, good for you ! Don't let PTSD be an excuse for behavior that is unacceptable to you.

 

[Sunshine71]

THanks so much everyone.

Its been a little while since I have checked out the forum.

Hubby has been v ill on and off since this - PTSD seems to have weakend his immune system.

Well........

I emailed the 'girl' friend and said that while I will not tell my husband who he can and cant see this is what is acceptable and this is what is not (secret texcting, her not telling her partner, etc)

She replied and has now told her partner.

She is sorry and worried to have 'come between' my husband and I.

I replied not to worry about this as she would never come between us however they have both over stepped the boundaries.

So we are getting on much better - the PTSD symptoms are under control and my hubby doesnt feel suicidal.

The 'girl' friend wants to meet up and has suggested dates - I have been too busy but it happen.

This gave me a jolt as I do love my husband - but we were so caught up in PTSD and dealing with the case (of being hurt in the hit and run accident) so this has given me a wake up call too.

THANK YOU so much for your amazing comments and feedback.

I hope that we have moved on this end and although I would never want someone else to go through this - I hope that everyones amazing support may help others too.

I will let you know of any more updates!!

Sunshine :O)

 

[Sunshine71]

Hi amazing people on this super forum.

Well another slump tonight from my husband.

I decided to look in on his emails as this is what I saw and didnt like many weeks ago when I realised that my husband was going down a slippery path with another woman. This was part of our aggreement - so no more secrets and hiding her emails.

The emails between them are not un toward now and are just about the course they are both doing ( how they met originally)

There are however a lot of emails between them.

While I am trying to hold the fort financially he is helping her with her homework (he says it helps him understand the course better)

But I have noticed that he is fine to send chatty fun emails with fun email signatures to her (and also a few to the other class members) When he is snapping at me and our son - and not giving our son any attention.

I need to talk to him - I know that this other woman is a distraction from all whats going on however he is taking this course to begin a new career - there are things he needs to do like finalise his website and even do some work for my business! But I am seeing that he would rather spend a fair amount of time doing her homework (correcting her English as she is from Poland)

Oh well another slight set back.

Thanks for being there and any feedback is welcome.

BW Sunshine xx

 

[Sunshine71]

I wanted to share that the 'girl - friend' came round with her young son before Xmas - she is a really lovely woman. We all had a super time. She is from Poland and said that she nows feels as though she has met her new English best friend - me!!

She bought pressies for my son and then even sent pressies for me, hubby and my son at Xmas.

I know that having a friend outside that is nothing to do with PTSD is good for hubby - as long as it stays friends.

She is a lovely person and someone I could be friends with too...

With thanks to everyone again

Sunshine

 

[heidi]

I feel like it's also your husband who is in danger. If he has a partner who is willing to put up with his PTSD he is sooo lucky. He might not know what he is getting into. I think it's possible to be in denial... sort of. She might be looking for something. The fact that she is doing it in secret is not a great sign. If he has never crossed that line before he might not know how cataclysmic it really is.

Ohhhh.. sorry! I didn't read your last post. Sometimes a friend is a friend regardless of orientation. I'm glad that's the case here. Friends are the most valuable thing on earth. There is scientific evidence of how helpful it is to have them.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you so much Heidi - It is a loong post! I have also taken your words on board - I am not complacent about their friendship but feel happier about it now.

Thank so much!!

Sunshine

 

[Sunshine71]

HI everyone

I though there has been a lot of comments on this thread - I would love to hear your feedback about what I have just found out.....

Hubby says that there is NOTHING untoward and this 'girl friend' is just a friend.

Fine. I have met her and we got on really well.

With hubbys ups and down with PTSD I am still keeping an eye on things....

Last night our son was sick - maybe 12 times poor thing - he must have picked up a bug - so we are all shattered. No school today for him!

Hubby goes to his college Mondays - thats fine.

He said he was leaving early to take some photos before class as he really needed to do this.

I have had to stop work of course to be with our son.

I have now seen an email that he sent to the 'friend' at 7.30 this morning saying that he would pick her up from a local pub as her car has broken down. :O(

So - why did he not tell me this?

And how do I say that I know - he will then know that I have looked at his email sent items.

OK - I know thats terrible but I am supporting a man - my husband who I have been with for 23 years and at times he doesnt know who I am or how to get home. I am not going to sit back and not keep my eye on things........

Now if I say why didnt you tell me your were picking xxxxx up I know this will throw him into a slump.....

Do I not say anything??

Sorry to go on and I would really appreciate any advice....

With thanks Sunshine

 

[wife of]

Ok,maybe this is one of those occasions where you just have to have faith and trust him.

I know our guys aren't too attuned to feelings of others but if he has picked up that you are nervy about this friendship then it might just be he is trying not to give you any cause for alarm bells,however the fact he's being sneaky will always cause this effect,has possibly not figured in his thinking!

To be honest,if there is no other reason to be worried I would let this one slide and see how things progress.

 

[Sunshine71]

I really appreciate your reply Wife Of - and yes you are spot on!

I did mention it when he called to see how are son was - I said that I am nervous incase it puts him in a 'slump' however I feel that I need to speak with him about this.

He did apologise and say yes he should have told me - with our son feeling poorly and knowing that I could well be annoyed he thought it was easier to not mention it.

I am happy with this and glad that we could discuss it.

He made a tasty dinner and seems to be in an OK mood - so hopefully no slump.

Thank you for letting me put my thoughts down here and I hope as always this may help others.

Sunshine xx

 

[ProudWife99]

I know it has been a while since you've posted on this thread, but I just wanted to say how brave I think you are! My husband and and I both have trust issues and have struggled back and forth with the idea of opposite sex friends. I just can't imagine being as strong and understanding as you have been through all of it, as my trust issues are so large that had it been me, I would have left. I hope to take away some of your compassion and understanding from this.