Shut Down And Shutting Off... Not Again :(

[Srain]

I don't understand how it can be so confusing between "supporting someone you love" and "changing one's thinking entirely"? WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE????

I'm not going to argue about, I'm not going to pretend all is okay, because it's not. I'm shutting down.

I don't like doing it but I'm not having an argument about it and I sure as hell am not going to defend myself against my family. I am scarred, traumatized, medicated, on and on. If you don't have it by now then screw you. I don't care how much my mother tried to "pay" me off with her discarded relics that she actually has no room for in her apartment (she's done this before and has asked for them back ;) oh yeah, my legacy, sure!!) Not to mention how after the past 3 years had me printing out time and again her Wills, Living and otherwise, at my expense, that she claims to have kept losing, she has recently decided instead of leaving whatever has left should go to my brother's kids. This after countless (and I do mean teary eyed countless) conversations with me about oh how much she wanted to be sure I was finally the one in the family who was left something in a Will and for me to make sure nobody else got anything!! Making me promise over and over.

I didn't want to hear about it. I never wanted to know the details. After this SUDDEN change in plans I was surely pissed off because she knows my kids and Grandboys could use it and she had gone over that as well, about how my father had led my boys to believe he would put them through college since he had cut me out but, of course that never happened. So of course being my mother true to form for our family has once again left me and my children out of the Will. Screw her. Why go on and on? To see how the I would react in the glass tube of as usual. I'm nobody to her.My husband sees none of this. Only sees the old plates passes down but has no idea why and things i'm being selfish. Has no idea they not really for me. It's all a game she plays.

I have the files and letters that show her and my brothers for who and what they are but he thinks people change but not these people.

Whatever...I'm not going there with him today either. I need peace and not arguments. I won't spend my on teachable moment, let him decide whether or not it is one for him. F**k it!

Is this growth or hiding? Do I care or not! I'm spending my energy on those that need me today. He's a big boy, spends enough time on the web to figure out where to find the info 8-P

Rainer
It's just one of those days...

 

[Reclusive]

((((SRain)))) Sounds like you need a heavy dose of fukitol. Take care of yourself today, don't worry more than you have to about other people. Your mom sucks and I'm sorry for that. I don't have any advice for you, just support and understanding.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Rain, I believe it's definitely growth to recognize what is harmful to one's self, psyche, and self-esteem, and choose not to be pulled into that vortex again. You can feel guilt-free about it, because you are simply recognizing and opting for what is healthier, what you need, and what ultimately will help everyone most of all, especially yourself and those who love you.

You are such an incredible person, and have more strength than you know, so please treat yourself so kindly- actually it shows how healthy you are to realize what is not.
(((((xox, Rain))))

 

[Tinyflame]

((((SRain)))) Sounds like you need a heavy dose of fukitol.

Dear Reclusive, the more I think of that the more you make me laugh- you are so sweet. :):giggle:

 

[Reclusive]

Aw, thanks Junebug. Just doin' what I do. ;)

 

[Srain]

I 2nd and 3rd that :) ((((((((((((Reclusive and Junebug and Okradlak))))))))))))))

 

[Srain]

I got through it all and managed to get in to a "discussion" by writing out my side of "what the hell is up" only in a human like way, and come to find out we are on separate planes. Taking space was the best thing I could have done and I had to explain several times how that it was.

I also had to make sure we understood each other on what happened to me and where he stands on what I say about that, believe me or not, simple yes or no...you either have my back or not. I told him I was not talking about liking my family, I love them, but the truth is the truth. He said of course he believed me he had been talking about something else, something we just talked been discussing ... I forget I tend to go from thought to thought but it was just as well we got this straight whether that was the case or not. I made it clear I would just as soon live out on the street than live with someone I didn't trust again. Dramatic, maybe, but I still have difficulty trusting my decisions and who to believe, I have been lied to and deceived so many times, I just can't tell up close anymore.

Thank you for your support. I'm going to therapy today and then we are going in on Thursday. I'm feeling suddenly really scared and vulnerable. My PTSD symptoms are plaguing me right now and I am having a rough time. For some reason I just refuse to cry. (????)

Rain

 

[Reclusive]

Sounds like this still isn't really resolved for you and you're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be good to yourself, do something soothing, nurture yourself. You deserve good things and comfort and the ability to trust other people. Know that you deserve these things. I think you're taking a very big step, one that shows a lot of trust, in going to therapy together and it might be that trust part that's got you wound up.

(((Rain))) We'll be here for you, no matter what happens - although I'm sure everything is going to be just fine.