Shut down with my therapist.

[Justmehere]

She did try to schedule me through July, reassuring me (without my asking) that her schedule gets back to normal in July. I am glad she is taking time off - she's more likely to be able to cope with a tough job that way. But it is probably throwing me off.

I did eventually email her, and told her I'm shut down. She emailed back. She (almost) never emails back. Ahhh... don't chase me dear therapist! She's not really chasing me, but I do think she's a little worried I'm running from therapy.

It doesn't seem very push/pull. Rather, I'm running and she's trying to keep me from running too far... Connecting with her feels like trying to eat broccoli. I'm doing it for my health. Not because I like it or want it or because it feels good. The type of therapy we do generally doesn't feel good though. But that's trauma therapy for ya? Not sure. I am super apathetic about it. Maybe numb?

 

[MyWillow]

@Justmehere interesting....we don't have set sessions because it allows for both our changing schedules but she has started booking me several sessions in advance and it has made that protective part of me settle down a bit. Knowing in advance that we will have a month break coming up is easier to handle. My logical brain knows I need to do this, the rest of me is just running away. It feels very chaotic.

 

[Justmehere]

I was abused as a kid. I also endured neglect. Multiple trauma therapists have emphasized the neglect based on my symptoms now. I was a failure to thrive kid for awhile.

As an adult... I was able to attach to people better, fairly decently, before a lot of adulthood trauma.

Now?

We talked about my feeling shut down. She wanted to work on it. My therapist says I’m pretty avoidant to attachment. I’m really good at saying no. I’m not very good at saying yes. She said she has to help some clients learn and practice saying “no” with her. Me? We need to practice “yes.”

We talked about childhood stuff, and I really started to get all weird. Hard to explain. A lot was stirred up. She said she wanted to sit next to me, but she wouldn’t. She asked if she could get a little closer. Like sit on the edge of her chair. I felt fear and asked why.

She explained it was chance for me to say yes. Experience connection that was safe. “Step into it and step out, and see that all is safe.”

All I could say was no. Eventually, we tried it and I was freaked out. She told me, “so, regulate.”

Wtf even. (We later talked about how this felt saying “cure yourself” and what is more helpful to say and do...)

Anyhow...

If she had just sat there anyhow, without it being intentional, no big deal.

But she kept saying she wanted to be closer.

I don’t get it. I walked in trying to not be shut down and she pushed to be closer and I totally was all over the place trying to regulate.

I feel so confused. What the heck...

 

[ButterflyBean]

I don’t want to make assumptions, so please correct me if I’m wrong, but you’ve done some work with boundaries right? I understand that her asking you if she could sit closer was a chance for you to say yes, but it was also a chance for you to make a choice. Can you see that?

Alternatively, how rigid are your boundaries? Does flexing them a little feel doable? If so, what would that look like? If you need to keep them where they are for now, I would look at the fear. Are you afraid of closeness, someone caring, etc.?

It seems like her question caused you to shut down more. I hear that the situation feels confusing, but you are able to articulate, and progress is not linear; my therapist believes that progress is circular, and we come back to things as we need to. You are right where you need to be in the moment, no more no less. Keep working, you will get there!

 

[scout86]

She said she has to help some clients learn and practice saying “no” with her. Me? We need to practice “yes.”

That's an interesting thought. I suppose, ideally, it's possible to say either one, depending on the situation. But it seems a little less risky to say "no".

(It's not just you. I'd have a hard time if my T did that too.)

 

[blackemerald1]

I think if she is going away now is not the time to dig into hard stuff. My psydoc tells me well in advance (usually) when he's going away and then we don't get into stuff that is going to leave me hanging onto a cliff by my fingernails...regardless of how well I am supposed to regulate and cope.

It takes a couple of weeks before I 'come back' after restarting.

What are you going to do whilst she is gone @Justmehere?

 

[Justmehere]

The last session was terrible. Right now, I’m trying to restabilze and not cancel the session for when she gets back.

 

[MyWillow]

The last session was terrible. Right now, I’m trying to restabilze and not cancel the session for...

Ugh. I’ve SO been there. Sending you some kick arse self care vibes x

 

[blackemerald1]

I’m trying to restabilze and not cancel the session for when she gets back.

Please resist cancelling. I know you are feeling bad right now but the next session is a while away....

If you still feel the same way 24 to 48 hours from your next scheduled session make a decision then. At least you have given yourself some time.
:hug:

 

[MyWillow]

I often feel like ghosting up to an hour before my appointment so I just keep focusing on obligation.

 

[Justmehere]

I told her I was shut down and having a hard time going. I really don’t get why the response to my being shut down is to do exposure therapy work with saying “yes” - by practicing sitting close to me, and ask to keep sitting closer, to which I said no over and over. Ahe just kept asking, trying to get me to say yes. I told her, no is the only thing I can get myself to say.

And when I was so triggered I was shaking and crying, all she did was tell me “come on regulate” and “regulate” and “regulate now.” I was already shut down and frizzed out with life stressors and shut down to her. When I asked for help... it felt like a a cure-thyself-while-I-trigger-you-on-purpose answer.

I told her that wasn’t helpful. I told her just commanding I regulate wasn’t helpful. She said, “you are not going to hear it correctly right now.” She wouldn’t explain why that was her approach - to trigger the crap out of me and then just tell me to regulate when I was falling apart in the session, because she triggered the crap out of me. She just kept telling me I won’t understand or hear the instruction to regulate in the correct way.

It was a one word statement. She sat there and said “regulate.” What the hell did I misunderstand about her intent?

Fine. Then don’t say what I can’t hear correctly! Wtf even.

I’m not interested in another session like that. I’m not in a place where I can risk getting more destabilized in this way. I think it is actually best to wait until life stressors settle out before I risk going back. After July 3rd, things will be easier to risk another bad session.

My symptoms are spiking pretty badly. Went to the ER last night.

Since the only support she would offer anyhow is to tell me to regulate, well, I don’t see the point in it all.

 

[blackemerald1]

Fine. Then don’t say what I can’t hear correctly! Wtf even.

I’m not interested in another session like that. I’m not in a place where I can risk

spiking pretty badly. Went to the ER

the only support she would offer anyhow is to tell me to regulate,

So...keep the appointment and tell her^^^^
She cannot read your mind and she has over estimated your tolerance and left you in a bad place. Let her know.