Sick ‘N’ Tired of being Sick ‘N’ Tired –Gotta Get It Out!

[goingonhope]

Hey guys, that night I became scrambled eggs in my mind after really owning how unness. my contrib. to the noise, confusion...sometimes chaos is. I've since improved and not so scrambled....able to communicate again. I like what Anthony said about the 10 second counting process and then how he ment. anything afterwards is intentional. Also like how he states the success w/ this techniq. is determ. by our effort, and emphasizes that if the techniq. fails, it's bc we failed it.

Veiled, I do pent up a lot. Have done it most of my entire life. Often now it's bc... life and stuff ... hits so hard, so quickly ... one thing after the next. How on earth do we keep up with it all. Had to re-sched. my eye surgery bc I failed to follow-thru w/ necess. prior exams & resp. Wonder if, subcons, I did so when I read the lengthy list of poss. surgery complic. Incl. my eyeball could shrink or perm. cause inoper. cataract. Or, eyelid droops perm., ect. The one about the shrinking eyeball is enough to scare the shit out of me.

Also, blasting sched. 10ft. away from house in next couple days.....Daughter requests to be sent to afterschool program so as to miss the "earthquake." LOL. She insists she not be home. This child-care all will cost a chunk of money, more stress.

......So much hitting, all at once. Never...ever at a lack of things to do. I like your sugg. veiled, about contin. venting about the daily nonsense, bc boy does it build rapidly.

What exactly is it veiled that you do or imply to keep your hubs in check? I need to do the same. Mine likes to quietyl walk out the door, sneak around the house and suddenly pop up in the window, and/or knock. He's not trying to be mean...he's trying to be funny. He also is determined to disagree w/ some very simple, agreeable statements or stuff, and when he sees that it bug the shit out of me, he cont. It's all very irrational as he'll even contradict himself, if it means he has control. Sometimes he'll stop and suddenly stare at me and goof. Other times he intent. use the sound Wot, rather than what, bc he knows my mom's bf used and enjoyed this sound so much.

Her BF often replaced words w/ his version of created sounds ...and this now dead guy was famous for blurting out to me, nothing but phrases. Out of nowhere, he'd approach Me and say things, like: "It's hard to be humble, when you're perfect in every way." ... And, "Your so vain you probably think this song is about you. ..Don't you? Don't you?" ... And, Miss Piggy....Miss Piggy....Where are you, Miss Piggy? ... And, "Wot A Man! Your boyfriend, O' Wot A Man! Glad this guy is dead, as he won't be inventing any more bullshit. Apt to attach a picture of him, if I didn't think his other possible victims or family would recognize him and be able to determine who goingonhope is. Probably already can as some of my trauma is so odd, peculiar, unique...only some. No matter what...I'll handle it. Well, anyhow this guy was one scummy looking, freaky, truly crazy and hateful predator. And, boy did I go into some panic attack when after he died he layed so restfully, appearing so peaceful, in his open caskett....while my insides felt like knots and chains and enslavement...and my mind a battlefield.

Veiled, you mentioned guilt adding to our stress levels, I'll do my best to minimize, see thru it and get past it. Learning, applying and changing, when I need to and Letting Go, when the guilt is nothing but my nuerotic BS: residual effects of my trauma. Some of this BS comes up just in my willingness to post or not to. Example: I can as much as Hear, prior voices (those of bf and mother) saying, "Who do you think you are? Being honest, huh....do you think you're that important or something?" ... And, ... "Think anybody gives a shit what you think or how you feel, P...?" ... And, ... "I've had it up to here with you, and your kind, always wanting attention." ... And, "Where's the white horse you road in on, you think your someone special, you think you're better than us. Huh? Huh?"......just before he, (dead man) pushes his weight up against me, backs me up against something and pins me, stares in my face, blurts out fragmented garbage and lifts his arm to threaten and intimidate me.

Didn't mean to re-live this, in the here and now. I'll say, every crazy-making, garb. word from his and my mothers mouths, I have unknowingly and unintent. stored right here in my mind.

Anyhow, doing my best to get it out, learn, apply, accept and gradually cont. to move forward.

Thanks Veiled and Anthony for your support.

......this oughta' be most difficult to post, as I've exceeded my boundaries of just how vulnerable and honest I wanna' allow myself to be, with how I think and feel. It's creating some anxiety. Sometimes I think it's easier to shut down, close up...to say nothing and pretend, but then who would I kid..,delude...Myself!

 

[Deleted member 93]

Well, you know we here give a shit :) we are not those people in your life.

It hurts and is hard to leave yourself vunerable. I know that very feeling well. You are doing great getting it out.

As far as your husband I think you said it yourself in the post his deal (control)/ maybe it is ignorance? Me, I am a bit sarcastic when I say my husband loves breathing too much and was using it loosely. I don't have to do anything to convince him not to jack with me, just educate him. Simply put there is a household and a world of people those who are around me can jack with in that regard, kids always expect my ex to do something like put on a mask and sneak in a window on halloween to scare them. It doesn't work as they see it coming (he would never frighten little ones). When I was with him he thought this was hilarious to do to me. I went over a back of a chair once to get away. Now he knows what I have he does not do that to me... No big plastic bugs left in a place for me to run across. That ex is part of this condition. He works hard to make ammends, my other ex is evil to the last drop.

My husband knows how painful panic attacks and the after effects are, he simply loves me too much to cause any unneeded pain. And some of my attacks can send me to the hospital. He doesn't want to pay for it! Also, I need a lot of TLC in the midst of a harsh attack... Why induce it when I find plenty on my own? Most I do to myself are not harsh and accidental, when I purposly trip a trigger like forcing myself to watch a movie over and over that played during one rape until it was just a movie. That was hard and I was out of it for days. But it was on my terms. We prepared for it.

My husband (and he is my 4th) is the first man I have ever been with that truly loves me (though I had been fooled by others' versions of love) He tries so hard to care for me and protect me. Like I said he would have to get after my daughter, but since I did not like it when he did the only times he knew about was when he saw. He found out how often it was after she moved. He was so flustered I did not tell him. I told him no matter what he or I did she was not going to stop. No matter what I did he was not going to stop yelling at her for it... Yelling by men sends me over by the way and I think it is unhealthy for all involved. I told him if I told him it would just make things worse as I would deal with her continuing plus him yelling, only so much stress I can do a day. He said I was smart to handle it that way even though he hates to admit he can go over board yelling at kids when they are setting me off. We are still working to bring the volume of the home down and it is working by my husband admitting he has a short fuse at times. But normally in how it effects me, other things he is not too fast to get pissed unless it is hurting me.

My husband has researched this, he has been to many appointments with me on how to handle things, and he has done all he can think of to help make my life easier. Hence the moving from my farm to a little Kansas town as there are more triggers here than I can cope with, it is a constant overload. I mean I looked at the map. It is not what most call a town... In Houston they call it a sub division or neighborhood. Very tiny. To remove my triggers as so much has happened here and I still feel (even if unreasonable to others) a threat from one of my attackers.

I am truly lucky in this part. I also changed what I looked for in a man. This one would really go to the ends of the earth to keep me safe and make me feel so, even if he is not perfect all the time as we all have our moments, but we always bounce back as a united front to beat this PTSD together.

All I can suggest is doing what you can to make sure your husband reads and throughly understands the condition. What doing that does to your heart rate, blood pressure, and the like, dumping adreniline and over working those glands, what all the sugar released in your system can do. It is not pretty at all and a husband who gives a shit would not intentionally set off that chain reaction in your physical body. Let alone your mind! If they truly have this knowledge and what sets you off provided then it is a form of abuse from then on. Because at that point they know they are mentally, emotionally, and physically causing you harm on purpose, and that is abuse.

When he is being an annoying goof, not much we can do about it, men can just do that and part of married life, you can always go get in a hot bath and lock the door and tell him "tag your it, have fun with the kids". I have done that exact thing a few times and helps. But he is crossing the line with the window and door, startle reflex being jacked with is pure hell. He has lept over the line with repeating things your mom's BF would say to set you off. That is going to leave you on edge way too often and no wonder you are having a problem with stress! But he has to be informed and educated on it that it is not funny and causing those reactions within your body and mind.

Please keep posting and get it out on here how you day was, what sucked about it, get advice for things you did not know you even needed. Happens to me all the time, I am just venting trying to get it out and in turn I will get things pointed out I need to work on for me that I never stopped to think about.

It starts to come together... LIke today my day is pretty decent despite some things happening I am handling it pretty well.

 

[goingonhope]

Well, you know we here give a shit :) we are not those people in your life.

As far as your husband I think you said it yourself in the post his deal (control)/ maybe it is ignorance? Me, I am a bit sarcastic when I say my husband loves breathing too much and was using it loosely. I don't have to do anything to convince him not to jack with me, just educate him.


Most I do to myself are not harsh and accidental, when I purposly trip a trigger like forcing myself to watch a movie over and over that played during one rape until it was just a movie. That was hard and I was out of it for days. But it was on my terms. We prepared for it.


All I can suggest is doing what you can to make sure your husband reads and throughly understands the condition. What doing that does to your heart rate, blood pressure, and the like, dumping adreniline and over working those glands, what all the sugar released in your system can do.


When he is being an annoying goof, not much we can do about it, men can just do that and part of married life, you can always go get in a hot bath and lock the door and tell him "tag your it, have fun with the kids". I have done that exact thing a few times and helps. But he is crossing the line with the window and door, startle reflex being jacked with is pure hell. He has lept over the line with repeating things your mom's BF would say to set you off. That is going to leave you on edge way too often and no wonder you are having a problem with stress! But he has to be informed and educated on it that it is not funny and causing those reactions within your body and mind.

It’s really nice to know that people do care about one another. I think that’s why I find this site so amazing. Bc for the first time in my entire life I can see caring in action with so many of us. This is something I don’t ever recall seeing growing up, in and around, the suffering, cruelty, abuse, hatred and indifference I was forced to grow up in and around. I could so write much about all this shit, FTM some of us probably have. I suspected I’d never be able to bc writing about it for me comes with too too high a phys., emot., mental and spiritual price tag. Even my attempts to do so in my past has all created much pers. suffering and the worst about this, is having to stifle it all and do it alone.

I once thought I’d go to college and I did and with it came free-style writing assign., which I did and was very pleased with the resulting grades. The only this was I hadn’t yet known that I had PTSD, or anything about it, and so each paper, I put my heart and soul into, and it wasted me. Just as the end of the semes. was nearing I desper. wanted to be hosp. Had said I felt homicidal and suicidal, truth was I wasn’t too interest. in either prospect, instead, I was terribly afraid. I don’t know what I wanted or needed, I just knew I couldn’t stand my flashbacks, nightmares, anger and my reality and stand it all alone. I was able to later return to school long enough to complete and claim credit for 2 of those courses, but never the most imp. my Writing class.


You know, it’s the disagreeable attitude that my husb. generally has when he’s angry that he may use in such a way as to feel in control. Which has been too often for my comfortability. But, I now suspect as normal.

It’s never been the scaring me from the windows, goofing on me or repeating or making sounds which mother's bf did so often. My husb. has truly only done these sometimes, to be funny. And, so he thinks it’s funny and it’s not any longer, and that’s probably as much my fault as his, in our ineffective communc. as of yet in making him understand this. I was able to see and understand clearer as the result of reading your response veiled.

You were absol. right it’s nothing more than our lack of knowledge and ed. on PTSD. And he and I and unfortunately my kids will have to learn, all in time and through experience.

Wow, you know your husb. loves you dearly. That’s where my PTSD interferes. I suffer from such a distorted self image, perception and with much low self-esteem at times, this all washes over me in waves, that I can’t reason why or imagine him, my kids or anyone else liking, loving or seeing me as lovable. My daughter has taught me much during these times. I want to believe my husb. truly loves me and we just have a long ways to go living and learning.


He doesn’t share the same available time I do to choose what responsib. or interest to juggle, he simply wakes us 5 days a wk. goes to work in a care-taking position and doesn’t arrive home until shortly before supper, only to help care-take here at home, these days doing much of this. He can be most times very supportive in us accomplishing much.


Wow! That’s it….That’s why he says he feels like a victim of circumstances. More is being asked of him than he can comfortably manage, and when he takes vacation he works, and when he has his weekends off, he often has much care-taking responsibility of our kids and to him this is work….that’s why he calls it work. And, then I have PTSD, and with it I’m unreliable. With the time that’s left for him all he barely has time to do is smoke, collapse in front of a late-night movie, and sing for enjoyment once a wk. I know his work week isn't entirely due to me, either. I’m so very proud of him.

Ya’ perhaps he can’t live up to my expectations of him, but who’s to say that my expect. are realistic given life as it is.

Oh, that last statement reminds me of something I’ve done truly well over the last many yrs. Not to be mean to myself, just my attempt to be constr. critical and/or truthful…..I’m someone who has discov. that living in fantasy is much less painful and stressful than being of this world and living in reality. Because reality never ever stops, ….always setting the rules for us to ‘suit up and show up’, and to keep going. And, for someone like me that may mean accepting all sorts of pers. harsh realities throughout my day. Such as for example: my inadeq., limit., past, triggers, unreliability, fears, anxieties and PTSD.

Well, life is full of surprises and I’m going to get beyond my self and my past and not through dissociation this time. I have what it takes now. For a very long time now, I’ve had the desire…the want to. My whole life I’ve lacked the knowledge of…how to, but not any longer. And, now if I just more reasonably juggle life’s responsibil. with employing and develop. many skills for healing trauma and living with PTSD, I’ll have what it takes. None of which be easy, but, I’ll truly have what it takes to be a part of this world again.

Veiled, you talked about purposely tripping a trigger. My god, is that movie now just nothing more than a movie for you? If you were over someone’s house and that was the movie for the evening would you be alright with this? Or, would you have to prepare for it still and require it on your terms? I ask, bc I’m curious as to the absol. success of this technique.

And, oh’ boy do I hear you veiled when you say, "Yelling by men sends me over." I’m not accusing my husb. of doing this much, bc he doesn’t, but when he does I cease to think straight. Also, recently I just discov. that’s he’s been wearing a jean jacket, for sometime now, given to him that once belonged to my father who has since died. And, husb. is tall like Dad was, w/ a similar build and same color hair that he had, when Dad was younger and abused and terrorized my sisters and I. So the voice with the slightest bit of frustration and raised voice, instruction for kids and/or occas. yelling and anger combined and I tend to uncons. fear that my kids and I are being severely mistreated and about ready to be tossed, kicked and beaten. Not true with what’s really happening either. FTM it has never happened with husb., nor is there any threat. And, he doesn’t yell that often, FAMOF, husb. tends to suppress a lot. Which I think and now worry has become a problem.

Someone, what does it mean when you say “all the sugar released in your system” mean? I am very interested what this means, or if there is a conn., and what is the connection between blood sugar levels and stress? Or, where I can read in detail and depth of stress and the physiological bodies response to it.

Thanks again veiled, for your support and I do hope your move to Kansas helps you and the family significantly. Hope you've found a place that you can really enjoy and you continue to grow and heal, live and learn. Please take it easy and continue to minimize stress levels through this naturally stressful move in your life. I've read many of your posts veiled and you really have, and do accomplish a real lot. Proud of you, and take care. Best to you, sincerely, goingonhope.

....oh shoot they started drilling, and the blasting will soon follow.

 

[goingonhope]

It’s never been the scaring me from the windows, goofing on me or repeating or making sounds which mother's bf did so often.

that has not been about control, rather just not understanding.

...just left that imp. clarification out as I was unclear in prior posts.

....Gee, that noise is really driving me now already with stress in my shoulders and neck. Apparently, I knew what I was doing a yr. or two back when I bought an auto. massage chair....will be using it often in the coming days with all this stressful outside noise.

 

[goingonhope]

Someone, what does it mean when you say “all the sugar released in your system” mean? I am very interested what this means, or if there is a conn., and what is the connection between blood sugar levels and stress? Or, where I can read in detail and depth of stress and the physiological bodies response to it.

The sentence above reads oddly bc I removed your name veiled and wrote someone ...and forgot to remove the you, bc I really do want to know the answer to this question, but I don't want to ask you specifically bc God knows you have enough on your plate and happening in your life.....and so I threw it out as a question for anyone who may know or may know where to find this info. on detailed physiological responses to stress, or what the connection with blood sugar is.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Let me go hunt down the info. It may take awhile as no sleep last night but a couple hours this AM. It might be in the information section or I may need to look it up again. The body goes through a lot when you are startled or upset.

Your post sounds like you are feeling very empowered and that is great! Grab on to that and hold on to it! You deserve it. Get that self esteem going girl! Great job.

I am glad you posted that about the movie. See you can help pull things out of anyone. :) I had not thought of what would happen if I saw it somewhere else playing. So I can honestly say no, it is not completely controlled now. I mean I can watch it in my home when I choose to turn it on and not be thrown back into the rape, like I don't feel the pain where the bruises were, or sensations on my hands now. I am reminded of my rape as I do not think that will ever stop reminding me. If I were to walk in on another watching it outside my home, I would probably flip out a bit mentally being caught off guard, but no where near to the degree I would had I not exposed myself to it. I would certainly not sit and watch it, but I could probably calm myself by leaving and walking around. But keep in mind exposure therapy can make you very ill. I don't get sick anymore from the movie. I bought it so I can play it every once in a while and keep it in check in my head. I have learned we can't get past it and it stay like that, you have to keep doing it again here and there. I need to do it again but I am not until I am settled and recover from the move. I think I have enough stressors at the moment LOL.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hope, here you go, this is a short run down. I am having to type it up as it is from a picture I used to keep on my desktop as looking at the sympathetic section of the nervous system is what gets all wacky with an anxiety or panic attack. I always looked at it when they were real rough all the time. Knowing exactly what was happening within my body helped. I would just post the pic but I cannot as I pulled it off another site quite a while back and do not remember where, sure it is copyrighted.

These are nornal things you can expect and some of my experiences with it tied in. I am sure if there is more someone else will add, or if I made a mistake.

Pupils to dilate

inhibits salivation - dry mouth

constricts blood vessels

relaxes airways - may end up hypervenalating thinking you cannot breath causing dizziness, and a lot of numbing sensations with too much oxygen when it happens. My dizziness and numbness sensation ease once I get hypervenalting under control

acclerates your heart beat - I get chest pains also and sometimes it feels like a butterfly, like my heart is fluttering.

stimulates secretion of the sweat glands

inhibits digestion and you may vomit or feel nauseated

stimultes glucose production and release in the liver

stimulates secreation of epinephrine and norepinephrine - andrenal glands giving you that adrenilne dump.

ETA- this is what happens to me when my startle is jacked with...

 

[goingonhope]

Ouch.....!

Having a definate problem today with intrusive thoughts and body memory flashbacks. Barely managed to sit for 2 hrs. at hair stylists, and then needed to wait another 1 hr. while children had hair washed and cut. Having a very difficult time bc it's now the middle of our day and I don't really have the time to stop. Children want my attention and I have things I must do and yet these thoughts and sensations are present with me, having disrupted my entire day. I mean I didn't stop doing what needed to get done, I did however struggle almost in every moment trying to re-focus my attention and blot out what kept creeping into my mind and struggled to ignore my body, how it feels and how I feel. Basically put on a great big act today, as I feel like any moment I could go just break down and go into panic attack. Most especially felt this way while sitting at salon, and truly feared that I might lose control and have a panic attack. Worked really hard to focus and re-focus, and focus and re-focus my attention to the present. Won't really comment any further on the specific trauma, as it's memory sickens me and I don't know what it can do to me.....and I must stay address other trauma first, if I'm going to address any trauma at all. And, I have no desire or willingness, or time to do any of this today. Hoping I can pretend, and continue to act and put on some show today to get through this one.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Hope, that is one of the things I literally threw a fit about and vented it out here. I must address my other trauma first... Only one trauma at a time!!! I got bombarded. I started just letting them all spill and I have done decent so far. I mean not to say I stayed healthy, panic free, and slept soundly. By far the other way around. But as they comeout and what is riding me the hardest at the time I get out, as it gets addressed other crap scream to go first and I work on the loudest one. I am chipping away at them.

But opening up one trauma my mind decided to fill with all and had memories come back. It truly sucks. But your mind does not see it as one single trauma at a time, tramua as I was told are a bit intertwined and one you work on pulls up the next, it is truly a mental juggling act.

Then throw in daily normal life stress yuck. I wish you could have viewed it as a little pampering for getting your hair done. I cut my own LOL, and with the toddler hollering and everyone going nuts I was not paing close attention... Wacked off about 8 inches! Did not mean to do that heavy of a trim but it was still long LOL. I have not trimmed my hair in a while (let it play catch up) You did great getting out and getting things done. Look at the positves you are doing.

Be proud of yourself getting things done and just pace yourself as much as you can.

 

[goingonhope]

Rape...Feel sad, feel mad, feel sick to my stomach!

Hope, that is one of the things I literally threw a fit about and vented it out here. I must address my other trauma first... Only one trauma at a time!!! I got bombarded. I started just letting them all spill and I have done decent so far.

But opening up one trauma my mind decided to fill with all and had memories come back. It truly sucks.

But your mind does not see it as one single trauma at a time, tramua as I was told are a bit intertwined and one you work on pulls up the next, it is truly a mental juggling act.

Saw and tried reading your response yesterday Veiled...far too frightening for me yesterd. Did my best to blot it out. Today, still frightening. Every other word triggers and provokes memory of this rape. I'm feeling mortified.

...I got bombarded
...as they come out
...what is riding me the hardest I get out
...scream to go first
...But opening up
...to fill with all
...It truly sucks!
...yuck
...I wish you could have viewed it as a little pampering
...hollering and everyone going nuts I was not paying close attention
...Wacked off about 8 inches.
...Did not mean to do that heavy of a trim, but it was still long.
...You did great getting out and getting things done.
...Be proud of yourself getting things done

Oh' it hurts...I'm so sad...So sick and distorted in my thinking...shoved it all aside yesterd. best I could...as there was very little choose in that matter without breaking down, and I just couldn't...I wrote about much of the rape this morning, just haven't shared it yet...Can't really imagine doing so either, as fear that I'm going to be told, (or as bad someone secretely thinking) I deserved it and that's what young girls are for. Oh' no this is too much and it hurts. I can't stand it. I hate it. I want it to go away, and to stop. I hate every mf who condones this sickening shit. I feel so alone and I'm afraid I won't survive. Afraid I can't help myself. Scared I can't tell the truth, as I'll be called a f'n liar. Or corrected by some imbecile and told I had it coming, I asked for, I wanted it....now you got it and live with...that I'm nothing but someone's garbage or disposal. ....I'm just to sick right now, shouldn't be sharing any of this. Some would like me to think I'm a no good bitch- (male and female from the night of the rape). Never, ever thought, of myself this way or behaved this way. Now you'all probably think I'm some threatening, sicko'..., in fact rather different. Feeling not quite as sad as I continue typing, now feeling damn angry. If that man was here I like to think I could put a bullet through his face, but rather fear, I'd just be some congenial coward.

Veiled, that's exactly what I feel like...that I must stay focused on one trauma and confront it, or else trauma's flooding into my memory, intertwined and combined, I fear could kill me. I mean really f'n kill me. And, I've been doing my best dealing with this occurance, but it was sparing me HAVING to feel and look at in my face certain intrusive memories having to do with some awful horror. Horror to me! Absol. f'n horror bc my soul and life didn't matter one ounce. And, the rest of what you said above is so damn true, about the mind deciding to flood with memories. Understood 100%!

Must end now abruptly, but hope to get out more later. Those little phrases I pulled all have provoked frightening thoughts and some with signif. meaning to me in my story of being raped. Oh' by the way the beginning of Dec. is the anniversary of this horror. Now, quite truthfully I've had a hard time believing that a such thing as the mind remembering an anniversary of a trauma, is possible, but perhaps it really is.

 

[Nam]

Hope, no one, especially here, will tell you that you deserved your trauma. You didn't deserve it. It's not your fault, it was theirs.

I'm sorry you're having a rough go, but I think you're on the right track, trying to get it all out. Pace yourself, as Veiled said. It's hard to do because the pressure is mounting. I'm glad you're here and getting it out though.

Oh' by the way the beginning of Dec. is the anniversary of this horror. Now, quite truthfully I've had a hard time believing that a such thing as the mind remembering an anniversary of a trauma, is possible, but perhaps it really is.

It's possible. While I was growing up, the month of August seemed very difficult for me. I grew angry, and irritable, and sad. My parents and I thought it was anxiety from school about to start. But I also thought maybe it wasn't because I enjoyed school (at that point), and I only hated the beginning of the month. After finding my adoption records when I was 15, I found that my father had died in a drowning on Aug. 9th during a fishing trip. My mind remembered the time of year this was happening even though I was only four or five at the time and that there is a language barrier. I don't even know how the lunar calendar goes there.... It actually freaks me a out a little bit.

 

[Deleted member 93]

It is amazing what the mind remembers, and what we don't actively, reading your post triggered a memory for me... Not a bad one, actually pleasant but it did confirm the time frame I was raped and almost met my maker, and his return forcing into my apt. gotta put that in my diary... See I always just had a hunch or gut feeling it was then, now with remembering this it confirms.

Hope, I would post what you alreay wrote. As since you wrote it you did the hard part getting it out of you, maybe stick in your diary (you may have by now I don't know yet!) You know or should know we are all going to support you and not lay blame. This place is not a place to lay judgement, but to help you if you want help. And the things that happened to you are not your fault!

And the anniversary is a trigger. I never thought it was a trigger for me at all! Then I stopped and thought about it. It makes sense now.

I am sorry you are feeling like this but since getting out of my anniversary phase I am improving. I see no reason you won't, this is one of those "the storm has to pass" and at least now I know what to watch for and when with this one. Thanks for jogging my memory.