Everyday in life I face so many triggers, and I get angry at myself for being weak. In class we watched a video about how women are portrayed in advertisement. There was a section on how images promote violence towards women and that is one main reason women get blamed for their abuse. I could help go back to that helpless guilty feeling. Thoughts then flood my mind. I feel bad, bad for him, for putting him through that, I feel the feeling like I made him hurt me, like society made him hurt me. My mind races trying to figure out why. I feel panick, and fear, and mourning. The damage is still so strong.
In MMA class, we are taught how to escape from a person who is putting weight on top of you. The instructor keeps repeating, image 300 pounds on top of, you can't move. Can't move Can't move, I couldn't move, he was like a brick, his arms, were like stone, I kept saying stop, please, I said no, but he did not, it was like he was under a spell, like he can only see one thing. It felt like the world was on top of me and I could not escape.
I distract myself with other thoughts, but it still hurts, always. I don't want to give myself away, I do not want pity, I want to be understood. I have been wounded so badly and am now forced to live life with a mental limp. I wish there was a way to communicate with people but it is not that simple. I do not want to live in a censored world due to my condition.
Do people understand, can they? The weight on your heart.
Sometimes I feel so selfish, associating things that have nothing to do with me to my past. I wish I could get past things but its not simple. I have become a near expert on hiding my emotions, I have to otherwise being out in public would be impossible.
I have been raped three times in my life. The last time was by my ex. I came home, he climb my window and was already in my room. We been together long enough that he knew it was the anniversary of when I was raped at 17. At first I thought he was there for support, but he was mad. I wouldn't take him back, I had enough of the mind games and more. He used intimidating body language. Towering over me with that angry look. he grabbed my arm and my who mood changed from angry to submissive. I gave in. I remember thinking, it is better to give in then be raped again, not thinking sex from intimidation is rape. At least it was just mentally forceful instead of physically. right? I remember him holding me after while I silently cried.
These things I can get lost in trying to understand. Did he know what he was doing. Was it my fault? Did I lead him on?
See how the mind works, its so easy to get lost. I know I am safe now, but why can't my heart except that?
In MMA class, we are taught how to escape from a person who is putting weight on top of you. The instructor keeps repeating, image 300 pounds on top of, you can't move. Can't move Can't move, I couldn't move, he was like a brick, his arms, were like stone, I kept saying stop, please, I said no, but he did not, it was like he was under a spell, like he can only see one thing. It felt like the world was on top of me and I could not escape.
I distract myself with other thoughts, but it still hurts, always. I don't want to give myself away, I do not want pity, I want to be understood. I have been wounded so badly and am now forced to live life with a mental limp. I wish there was a way to communicate with people but it is not that simple. I do not want to live in a censored world due to my condition.
Do people understand, can they? The weight on your heart.
Sometimes I feel so selfish, associating things that have nothing to do with me to my past. I wish I could get past things but its not simple. I have become a near expert on hiding my emotions, I have to otherwise being out in public would be impossible.
I have been raped three times in my life. The last time was by my ex. I came home, he climb my window and was already in my room. We been together long enough that he knew it was the anniversary of when I was raped at 17. At first I thought he was there for support, but he was mad. I wouldn't take him back, I had enough of the mind games and more. He used intimidating body language. Towering over me with that angry look. he grabbed my arm and my who mood changed from angry to submissive. I gave in. I remember thinking, it is better to give in then be raped again, not thinking sex from intimidation is rape. At least it was just mentally forceful instead of physically. right? I remember him holding me after while I silently cried.
These things I can get lost in trying to understand. Did he know what he was doing. Was it my fault? Did I lead him on?
See how the mind works, its so easy to get lost. I know I am safe now, but why can't my heart except that?
