Sister has a drug problem

[sprout]

My sister has a hard drug problem. My mom insists that she's clean but I'm sure she's not. Even without the drugs she has a severe depression, anxiety problem and likely ptsd and could use professional help. She's very emotionally unstable, doesn't have a job, and lives at home with my parents still. She's basically taken over my youngest sister's room and makes life really awful for all of the children in the house. My younger sister can't even stay in her room anymore! She sleeps in the living room or with one of my brothers.

My parents ignoring the needs of the "good" children is such a big trigger for me and I just don't think this is a good way for my siblings to grow up. I know what it likes and I wish I could help. My parents are just so complacent and avoid altercations at any cost though. Any advice for any way to help?? My sister gets super confrontational and defensive when approached about things like this but I'm willing to try even though I live in another city.

 

[Friday]

Assuming you’re correct about everything...

From an outside perspective -I’m not saying I don’t believe you & I’m not saying you’re wrong- it seems unlikely that you’re privy to all the details if you’re living in a different city and not actually in their day to day lives. Just as an example, it’s pretty normal for room assignments to switch around when people leave home or move back home. Also pretty normal for the reshuffle to both be tried a few different ways, and for there to be some friction about this process.

...what exactly does intervening look like, and what do you hope to accomplish?

 

[grit]

Speaking of triggers from this parenting style and considering your sister probably is reacting this way to the same environment, tells me you are displacing your own anger at her rather than the parent - if it must go somewhere.
She has the right to be there as any of the children. Seems like the environment was not safe for you and is not safe for anyone else either. I think approach your parents, if you must, but probably not your place to approach her.
I am sorry if I am little harsh. I feel all abusive families are similar in a such that there is always an enforcer who takes the helm for the parent going forward, hope you are not doing that.
on a positive note now that I am cooling off, perhaps you can have some empathy toward the suffering sister. People do not do problematic drugs because they are happy, they do because they are at breaking point. so you can choose to approach her as you would a child you love and care.

 

[sprout]

Assuming you’re correct about everything...

From an outside perspective -I’m not saying I don’t believe you & I’m not saying you’re wrong- it seems unlikely that you’re privy to all the details if you’re living in a different city and not actually in their day to day lives. Just as an example, it’s pretty normal for room assignments to switch around when people leave home or move back home. Also pretty normal for the reshuffle to both be tried a few different ways, and for there to be some friction about this process.

...what exactly does intervening look like, and what do you hope to accomplish?

She used to live with me for a few years so I got to witness her addiction and erratic behavior firsthand. When she first moved back home it was because she was being evicted and was only supposed to stay for a week until she found another apartment. This week has since turned into a year and there’s no end in sight. You’re completely right though that I’m not there and couldn’t possibly know all the details. I only know what my teenage siblings tell me really. They say they hate living with her and I’ve seen pictures of the mess she’s turned my youngest sisters room into.

I honestly don’t know what intervening looks like for me. I want my sister with the problem to be happy and healthy enough to sustain herself. I want my parents to listen to my other siblings concerns and not just gaslight and ignore them. I don’t think there’s an easy solution to any of these things and I don’t know where to start honestly

 

[EveHarrington]

Aside from calling child protective services, there may be nothing you can do given how your parents are handling this issue.

 

[sprout]

Speaking of triggers from this parenting style and considering your sister probably is reacting this way to the same environment, tells me you are displacing your own anger at her rather than the parent.
I am sorry if I am little harsh. I feel all abusive families are similar in a such that there is always an enforcer who takes the helm for the parent going forward, hope you are not doing that.
.

I’m not sure what you mean by these two things - would you mind explaining?
And that’s the thing I’m not mad at my sister with the problem. I do think she manipulates me a lot but I know she’s ultimately reacting that way because of our parents I feel so much empathy for her. I don’t think their house is a healthy environment for her. I wish my parents, my mom in particular, would talk to her and be there for her. They’ve never been there for her emotionally and I know she craves it so badly. I’ve spoken to my mom about being more empathetic towards her and talking to her to make sure she knows we’re all there for her but my mom stopped replying to me :/

 

[Friday]

So if you’re not sure what you’d like to accomplish (which makes how to accomplish it fairly impossible, ya know?)...

...Maybe you could go stay there for a long weekend / short visit? Get eyes on the situation itself and see where you might be able to help out?

Whether it’s helping your sisters re-organize their room so they both have a working space, or brainstorming with your older sister about her next steps and setting up some handholding time (coming down maybe once a month to help her out in finding a therapist, applying for different programs, etc.), or other things that come to you as you’re there.

It’s one of those skin-in-the-game solutions that are a lot easier for others to accept, because instead of being told what to do by someone else, someone else is simply pitching in.

:sneaky: And on fixing the room? $1 gets you $50 both girls won’t want you to do it. But a line to take with that is since they’ve been bitching at you about it? They opened that door. (Don’t bitch, unless you’re willing to fix it. They must be willing to fix it, since they’ve been bitching, and heeeeere you are :D If they wanna know where their stuff is, better help you out. IE Make it fun, but be resolute. This is sooooo what we’re doing today!). Again, it’s just one line to take. It’s just one of the more effective ones I’ve found.

 

[blackemerald1]

@sprout you do remember that teenagers can moan and rebel against anything at all? Were they all a totally happy bunch before your sister returned home?

Their perspectives of what is happening at home may be a bit skewed. Remember they are teenagers and most likely have made an art form out of vocalising displeasure.

Could you assist your sister in finding accommodation elsewhere... if she wants to?

 

[Sideways]

If by ‘hard drugs’ you’re talking heroin? Avoid trying to help solve this situation unless you’re ready with a rock-solid solution. And by rock-solid, I mean a recovery program that you’ve established is (a) willing to accept your sister; and (b) that your sister can afford.

There is no amount of good-intentions or personal heartbreak that can treat a serious drug addiction. And much like any other mental illness, not only does the person have to be ready and willing to dive into treatment, but treatment requires specialist knowledge.

So, there are 2 places I think you might possibly start, and the first is looking into treatment options for her.

The second, which is going to be far more painful for you, but probably more real (and it’s a shitty tragic life-sux kinda thing), would be radical acceptance. This is a multi-faceted issue that is hard to treat even when you have a well-resourced, ready and willing participant. Your sister’s drug addiction is currently being enabled by the people providing her with free accommodation, which means there’s work to do with them as well, even before you gp anywhere near the issue with your sister. And supporting someone through recovery from drug addiction? You’re going to need to be in a really good space - you can’t bring your own issues to the table on this one, because your sister already has more than she can deal with.

That’s not me saying give up on her. That’s me just suggesting that getting yourself okay with the path her life has taken, and informed about the potential routes out? Will take time, and whole lotta work. Starting with you and your headspace.

Potentially that’s going to be working through some hardcore grief first. Because this is a shitty situation, and just like ptsd? Even when there is a road out, it gets a whole lot worse before it gets better.

Look around for supports in your area maybe, just so you have some support for yourself from people who will understand what it’s like to have a family member go through this.

 

[Ronin]

May I ask what are you basing that observation on, that she has a drug problem, let alone specific type of drugs?

Did she ever deal with something like it before, are there way more changes in her behavior & attitude toward anything, what all changed?

Just want to be sure (as sure as people can be from descriptions, anyway) it’s not something else that might be worse in different ways, than addictions... & something that you would miss out for single focusing on one explanation. Since it is fairly obvious you care for your sister, & the whole family, a lot, even from a far, want them whole helped...

So to make sure there can be the help for the right things, instead of taking the signs of something would be obvious for what it isn’t, where something else is more likely going on. Both medically & socially.

 

[mamachick]

Sprout I have the deepest empathy for your situation. I have been dealing with something similar for years. This relative and her boy friend are both 42 yrs old. The live in an apartment with 2 teens. They have been in a subutex clinic for about 3 years, but shoot the stuff up. She is addicted to needles and he goes on crack binges. The both take neurotin. They swear they are clean and then she opens up the subject and talks of relapse, which is constant. (by observation they don't appear clean at all-but addicts are liars and manipulators). First he had part of his lung lobe removed from an abscess, then last year had and abssess in his spine, was in hospital 2 months and can barely walk, often in a hov-around. She works many hours and maintains a job. Doing what they are doing is so lethal and he is lucky to be alive. They say the teens do not know but I know for certain that they do. As a matter of fact, one of the teens has been the identified patient in the house by her "acting out" behavior.

I don't have any answers as I have pondered this all week-What do I hope to accomplish? What is the likelihood of achieving any goals that I have? The ideal outcome and the realistic outcome are very different. I have compassion for addictions but I also feel protective of the children. Its a huge can of worms. There is nothing simple here.

 

[sprout]

So if you’re not sure what you’d like to accomplish (which makes how to accomplish it fairly impossible, ya know?)...

...Maybe you could go stay there for a long weekend / short visit? Get eyes on the situation itself and see where you might be able to help out?

Again, it’s just one line to take. It’s just one of the more effective ones I’ve found.

The younger sister has tried to fix up the room but the older one won't let her in there unless she's also there to "supervise" and she won't let her move anything around. If the younger one (shes 14 btw) is in there for any amount of time the older one gets paranoid and yells at her and accuses her of snooping or things like that even if she's simply looking for an outfit because that's where her clothes are. ?
I used to take time off work 1-2 times a week (back when she lived with me) to dedicate a day to taking her to therapy, doctors appointments, and some bonding time over lunch/something fun to make the day a little more fun and less stressful/clinical but she only did that for 3 weeks or so. She'd wait until we were about to leave and then refuse to go to her appointments. I'd end up having to call to cancel last minute and pay the cancellation fees. It was very frustrating because I was in school and working full time at the time but also really heartbreaking because obviously, she was dealing with some deep issues. But recovery is a process so maybe this time around she'll agree to be in treatment for a longer period of time.
Thanks friday for always responding. You always have a very different way of looking at things than me. I also really appreciate your ability to lay out concrete possible steps to take. It's super helpful!!