Sleep deprivation as self-harm, or is it the ssri?

[crazy8]

For those who struggle with self-harm - does anybody use sleep deprivation as a form of self harm? I find that I can't get motivated to do things until the very last possible minute (this is not good because I am in grad school). I stay up all night the day before an important assignment is due (like now), doing ANYTHING BUT the assignment - watching YouTube videos, reading silly articles, listening to music, etc. I think that I spend a lot of this time in a dissociated state...not really focused deeply on anything, more blank than anything. Reading the same sentence over and over and over again. I don't get bored. Quite the contrary - I am perfectly content just staring blankly for hours. Is this dissociation?

However, I also want to make myself suffer the next day by forcing myself to do very difficult tasks under this sleep deprivation...to punish myself. However, I also wonder if my SSRI (Celexa 40mg) could be to blame for this lack of motivation?

Does anyone else have symptoms like this - either as side effects of an SSRI medication, dissociation, or sleep deprivation as a form of self harm?

 

[LilBit]

Ummm, I do this and I do not have ptsd or anything. Basically I get in the state you described. But I am thinking about it in my head while I do those other things. Skimming materials along the way. Pretty much when I sit down to write AT THE LAST MINUTE I almost have it all mapped out in my head. I wrote several papers in a row at the last minute the morning they were due and got A's. But I didn't actually DO anything till the last minute. Sit down, outline my points, get out the books to get the quotes I needed, bullcrap it all out at the last minute. The hardest part for me was always those CURSED bibliography pages, getting all the notations correct for my sources.

 

[Overcast]

I used to do this. I thrived on the urgency of doing it last minute and I lose track of time. It is not a side effect that I know of. I use timers to help me stay focused on the time I also spend 30 minutes a day journaling so I am not avoiding my emotions. That helped me focus.

 

[Abstract]

When it comes to sleep I have displayed every possible combination of behaviours. Some random info:

* SSRI's can make one agitated and can cause problems with sleep especially when taken in the evening. Without them I am still worse but I do make sure I take them in the morning.
* I have used sleep deprivation as self harm and am still at risk of doing so. It does feel like self punishment.
* For me sleep is linked into the whole "needs" issue. Part of rejecting them. Eating, sleeping, rest, self kindness, drinking, taking care of pain.
* Procrastination can be about fear and it can also be about general agitation. For me I am always like this and perfectionism is no longer a big issue for me.

What were you like before?