So angry and depressed and I lash out at people with words. I don't sleep. I don't eat. All I do is cry. I don't feel anything but anger. Help.

[mourning.starre]

Hey, guys. I am really struggling right now. I live with BiPolar Disorder, ADHD, OCD, Chronic Pain and PTSD.

The PTSD "spell" for better lack of words, that I am going through right now is the worst I have had in a very very long time.

When I go through these spells, I get angry and depressed and I lash out at people with words and say things I wish I didn't say almost instantly. But when I am stressed like this sometimes, though I know what I say and how I act is wrong, I feel no regret at all. I don't feel anything but anger.

I said some hurtful things to my grandmother today. And honestly I don't really even know what I said. This happens a lot anymore honestly.

I hurt people all the time and I don't even try. I usually don't know what I did to hurt them. I ask her to help me help her by telling me what I did so it won't happen again. She just scoffs at me and says something along the lines of 'you know exactly what you did.'

Then there's my dad who constantly talks about how all I do is mope in my own sorrow and I need to get a life. All I can think in my head is where was he? My childhood caused this and he thought he could come into my life at 18 after knowing what my stepfather did to me and everything would be roses and gumdrops.

I'm so done.

I am so sick of being misunderstood because of my battle with PTSD. I am so sick of it. I don't sleep. I don't eat. All I do is cry. I have to turn the basement light on because I see people coming at me with blades out of the corner of my eye. There's nothing there of course. I am afraid of my own shadow and I flinch all the time at nothing in particular. No one here seems to understand.

I just need help.

 

[ChildofGod]

Welcome to the forums. I am sorry you are struggling so much. I know how you feel about being so scared.

I feel your anger and frustration and pain. I've lashed out at those closest to me as well. Then you feel guilty for that.

I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your struggles. I am here and support you.

You do matter, you are important, your voice deserves to be heard.

 

[Keming]

b r i t t l e
and the shards are sharp as razors
we share a lot of letters. hope you'll feel better soon.

I found a therapist I thought very little of, and a psychiatrist I thought even less of, and in time both have helped me an awful lot. It is taking years and these years are worth it. Medicated, because I need it and no amount of wishful thinking or feelgood speak will ever be strong enough to hold back the flood - but learning, too. Finding worth. Learning what hope is like. It's not forbidden and it's not a dreamy rainbow lie. It's just a future that's better than now.

Do you have appropriate supports? I have a therapist and a psychiatrist and someplace to cry. You?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You sound a lot like me a year or 2 ago. Are you in therapy? If not, is there a reason why not (if you don't mind me asking that is)?

I was taught by my therapist how to feel the blind rage explosions coming. They were anxiety caused. It gave me 30 secs or so to get myself out of the situation. Not long and it didn't always work. Especially when they followed me but it helped.

I could never tell you how I did it though. How I learned to feel it coming. I can only tell you a trained trauma therapist taught me how.

 

[mourning.starre]

Thanks for your responses everyone. It means so much!

@Zencat Thanks for the warm welcome, dear. <3

@Keming I do have a therapist, yes. But I also have a fear of letting out my emotions. I am afraid that I will be hospitalized again because I am sooo depressed and afraid. People in the psych world don't seem to understand the difference between 'I want to die' and 'I am going to kill myself'.

I don't carry a noose around, but sometimes I don't wear my seat belt.

@lostforgottensoul I am in therapy, yes. Your therapist sounds amazing. I wish mine could teach me that <3 She is super focused on self healing techniques so she does things a bit differently. Have you ever learned how to calm muscle spasms and other aches and pains? There are charts if you want to google it. There are a hundred little spots in your hands that will trigger things like that to stop. You have to know which spot then you tap the spot hard or squeeze it between two fingers and the pain goes away. Its crazy but it really works most of the time :D

 

[Keming]

Glad you've a therapist. Muscle relaxation points sound Intriguing. uncertain about keeping feelings from a therapist though. the things that bother me most are by definition the things i need help for the most.

Some illnesses such as bipolar respond well to patient-specific medication. It may be an avenue worth exploring, especially if hospitalization is becoming a possibility. i know meds can be a complicated topic for folk.

 

[ChildofGod]

You are welcome, mourning starre. I understand your fear, asking for help. I hope you get some help and or relief, or piece of mind.

 

[Mach123]

The verbal lashing out thing ruined my life. It was like I never had control over what I was saying. I'm not violent but i made people behave violently towards me. Couldn't do anything to advance myself ever just made a mess always whenever I opened my mouth. I think it's just the self loathing that comes out. I was really uncomfortable and depressed all the time also. It was not a lot of fun. It's still going on but I do a lot of avoiding.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I wish mine could teach me that

Ask her to. That's what a therapist is for. To help you with symptoms that are affecting your life. That sounds like it's affecting your life a great deal.

If she's not a trauma therapist and only does muscle relaxing stuff, maybe finding another therpaist that is a trauma therapist or a 2nd therapist to do normal talk therapy? Along side her.

 

[sunisstillshining]

I agree, ask your therapist about coping techniques that you are interested in and share your fear of opening up. My foster daughter and I were just talking about this today. Sometimes it helps to write a letter to your therapist or to journal. It might be a less scary way to open up. Also, try to give her feedback on how those self-healing techniques are working for you. It can be really overwhelming sometimes, but know that you can get through this.