So Confused And Sad By Therapist's Response

[onmyway76]

I partially mentioned this in a different post on the dissociation forum a while back. I am still so sad and confused that I'm hoping someone may have some discernment or new perspective for me.

I originally started seeing my therapist about 4 years ago. In the course of 1 month, I had been raped by my husband, found out he was a pedaphile (my oldest son his victim) and lost everything- including my children temporarily.

In the midst of the crisis-which lasted almost 2 years with court, law enforcement etc, my counselor was very supportive and helpful. She was able to help me see some unhealthy beliefs I had about myself and even my faith. She was also great with teaching about boundaries and was even known by the local rape support agency as the 'boundary lady."

Once the crisis period was over, we decided that it would be a good time to start exploring the abuse and neglect I'd endured as a child. It was long-term and at times severe. I really wanted to and knew that there would be a lot of benefit for me as I struggled with nightmares, intrusive thoughts and flashbacks.

Unfortunately, sharing my story has been very difficult. The fear and shame that would well up in me, shut me down frequently. I continued to try, but would often leave very discouraged and angry with myself for not talking about it.

I would share with my therapist that I was very frustrated with myself and even ashamed to have been in therapy so long and not be "better." She always addressed this with patience and encouragement, so I continued going and trying different things.

The battle continued and some times I would leave the sessions not remembering much anything that we had talked about, but I knew that I had not told my story, read anything from my journal, shared my "homework" etc.

Finally, just a few weeks ago, I came to realize that I was possibly dissociating during the sessions. I was still unsure so I didn't share with my therapist right away, but I did finally share a story from my journal.

After sharing my first story, I felt very encouraged and proud of myself, but that is when everything started deteriorating. After I shared my first story- all my counselor said was it sounds like you blame yourself and blame the little girl you were. That was the only feedback I received. No further processing.

The following week, I went back in and tried to share something else. Again I believe I began to dissociate. This time I shared with the counselor that I believed that was going on. She said that she knew and had witnessed that herself. Then she added that she thought I was being controlling, manipulative and "borderline-ish." She said I was playing games. When I asked her what she meant, she said that the questions I asked were part of my game playing. I was seriously confused and hurt.

At the last session, she reiterated what she had said at the previous session and told me to come back in a month. She said I'd become too controlling, manipulative and dependent and that the therapeutic relationship was starting to get unhealthy and the only hope i had for recovery was to not see her regularly. She was strangely cold and distant and offered no real explanation.

Seriously, I am confused and hurt. I know that I have "issues," but I don't think I'm trying to play games or be manipulative. If I am, I want to stop. I have done some serious soul searching and really do want to be as well as I can be. I want to hold myself accountable for unhealthy patterns, but I also know that I typically blame myself for everything. This made me feel crazy and ashamed. Definitely not a therapeutic way to spread things out or end therapy IMHO. Any insight? Maybe I need a new therapist??

 

[anthony]

Maybe you need to trust in your therapists assessment for the time being, and see if less therapy is actually better for you.

By your own admission, you attend therapy without really sharing what you're there for. In reality, ethically, your therapist should have confronted you earlier than they have done by the sounds of things.

Your therapist cannot make you better, only you can do that. Not everyone is at a time in their life to heal trauma. Saying that, if you have extensive childhood trauma, it may also be outside your therapists depth and scope.

If they've known you for four years... I would suspect they have a pretty good idea of you. There is such a thing as too much therapy, where dependence is an issue within itself.

Depending on the depth of trauma in childhood, then you may actually be playing games without knowing, being what occurs when reverting back to childhood times... it can be difficult to deal with. Either way... your therapist is challenging you to look inwards. Whilst that may be harsh to you, a therapist is there to help you to help yourself.

If they suspect you do have a personality disorder, they will likely take a far more stricter stance with therapy based on the problems within personality disorders to begin with.

 

[bethinhfx]

Weeeel, I have posted this before, as much as I respect where Anthony is coming from I have had 2 therapy experiences go south and you can't always trust the therapist--my last therapist was threatened by me and I lost my therapist and then he behaved very unprofessionally when I went back- not my shit.

I think sometimes its time for therapy to end ( thats always difficult but so easy to label someone else borderlinish isn't it?) but my advice would be to be gentle with yourself and look into getting another therapist because I went a long time without therapy and was in quite a crisis.

 

[mamachick]

It sounds like you are giving this a lot of thought and as you say you want to be accountable. Since you have an appointment in a month and have time to reflect on this, when you do return in a month, you do have the opportunity to ask for specifics on how you are doing these things.

When the therapist is working harder than the client-therapy is not working.

 

[Philippa]

It's really hard to say which is correct.

I can see what Anthony is saying, and it's possible you are playing games without knowing it. I've been accused of similar things before, but not by a therapist.

I also know that there are therapists out there who are not that well themselves, and have been known to project their own issues onto clients, confusing them and making them think it's them, when it isn't.

Many a vulnerable client has fallen prey to the therapists controlling, manipulative behavior and game playing, so it's possible that is what is going on here.

People forget that therapists are people too and they often have issues just like their clients do. The archetype of the wounded healer is well known.

I can't say for sure that this is what is happening in your case, and the only way to know for sure would be if you seek alternative therapy and the next therapist reacts the same way at some point, or says the same thing. If it were something that was said to me consistently, then I might consider that it really is me.

I would go with what brat says here, and ask the therapist how and when you are behaving this way. Watch how your therapist reacts to you and do your best to check in with your body and how you feel at that moment.

At the end of the day it's your call. What do you feel is the best thing for you here?

 

[onmyway76]

Thank you for your responses. I'm trying to use this time off as constructively as possible. I've spent lots of time journaling, praying and considering where my responsibility lies in my own recovery. I think I've discovered important things about myself and my journey.

The first thing is that I really do want to get well. I feel like my life is really compromised because of my mental health issues. I want to be the best 'me' possible and want to be able help and encourage others who struggle.

Secondly, my 'drug' of choice is avoidance. Some of my avoidance symptoms are outside of my control, but I do have to actively confront the traumas and the fact I have PTSD. I may not be able to control some of my dissociation, but I have to choose to be open about my experiences in a safe place to begin recovery.

I've also realized that I am a very concrete person, so therapist comments like "you need to get in touch with you're feelings" really doesn't make any sense to me-too abstact. While acknowledging that how and what I share is up to me, I respond better to concrete strategies and examples of possible ways to approach things.

A major hindrance with my therapist is that when I would ask her how to approach an issue, she would always tell me that it was up to me and there was no perfect way. She never seemed to understand that I wasn't asking her to tell me what to do, but was hoping for her to offer some practical guidance as a counselor and offer me some strategies that had worked for others.

For me, trying to really look at my trauma for the first time, seemed like looking the inside of my own dissected body, with a huge tumor growing and interwoven with my vital organ. I don't want my therapist to cut it out for me, but in the overwhelming state of looking at the tumor, it would be helpful to be told, 'some people find it best to start cutting here,' or 'these are some of the instruments typically used.' Also helpful would be, 'I know it looks messy, but you're on the right track.'

Does that make sense? Does it sound like my expectations are reasonable?

 

[Philippa]

It can be hard to feel understood at times. I get where you are coming from when it comes to your therapist not really getting that you weren't trying to get her to tell you what to do. That's what SHE heard though. It could be either a matter of her just not hearing you the way you want to be heard or you not communicating your needs in the most clearest way? I don't know.

To me you sound like you are being reasonable and sincere in wanting to get well. I don't think your expectations are too high or unrealistic at all.

It's a challenge but perhaps you really need to distill exactly what you need and be brave enough to tell her directly what you do need. You are the one paying for her service after all so you have the right to ask for what you need...and if she is worth her salt she would want you to.

 

[bethinhfx]

I agree. Its difficult to get skilled help but my experience has been that it is worth finding the right professional help. On the one hand " client centred" therapy is great but what happens when you are out of your element. You can't fix something that you didn't break....at the same time I started doing yoga several years ago and have tried to take as much as control as I can over my body, feelings, process because I found professional help wanting. I think its worth it to try to get a skilled professional without jumping right in-- but of course " we": people with ptsd, poor boundaries etc., are pretty vulnerable. I would say do your homework: find out what kind of therapies there are for ptsd and find someone skilled. Peace.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My therapist is really hands off about telling me "try this" or "lets start here". I understand the desire for her to do it, I really wish she would tell me what to do already!. In fact, my husband has engaged in that "figure it out for me" dance with his t for a while. They don't do that...they shouldn't do that. Its asking them to do it for you. It sounds like this dance has gone on a long time. I was talking to my t about it (because my husband was driving me nuts!), she said it was fairly common for clients to try to get their ts to do the work for them. But therapy is about forging your own path. That is how you heal.

You might not be meaning to take a back seat, but it sounds like you need to take the lead in your own healing. And that means taking charge. If you like this T, use this month as a gift to start really getting into your own intuition and come to therapy ready to do the work. She can not drag it out of you. Research, read, write, push yourself until you feel like it would make you puke. Then take a nap, and get back at it.

 

[onmyway76]

I definitely struggle to feel understood. I sometimes get panicky if I feel I'm not.

I really appreciate everyone's insight. Its valuable to me and I'm considering every word shared.:)

Simply Complex, I'd really like to know what you view the therapist's role as. Perhaps, my own confusion about that has compromised the therapeutic environment despite my intentions being to do the work and have the therapist as a guide.

 

[SimplyComplex]

My therapist is a witness and a cheerleader. She offers insight when the time is right, she hold up a mirror when needed. But she never figures out my path for me. There is no "do X, Y then Z" or "today lets talk about your sexual abuse trauma". There isn't a time table, structure that she is telling me we are following. The only homework she has ever given (and it might be unique to me because its so effective) is journaling. She doesn't tell me I am doing it wrong, or right. When I start to struggle she helps me look at what is going on and helps me come up with the answers on what to change. Sure, she might feel like "gee if Simply does X,Y and Z, she will feel better", but that isn't how people learn to make changes in their lives.

I was very much unable to talk about many of my most severe traumas. I am still struggling. But I asked my therapist if I could email them to her. I looked at myself and realized that this could be an effective way to break the ice. She was fine with it and it has become part of our process. But she isn't me, she cant read my mind and you can't drag people through traumatic healing. So I had to come to her with the suggestion.

We must walk on our own two feet through this. I think a therapists job really is to create safety, a place to be heard (witnessed) and be that person to say "I believe in you, you can get your feet back under you and keep going".

She often reminds me there is no "right" way...the only wrong way is to continue to stagnate. I really think she believes in my ability to heal myself, but knows it will always be on my time table. I think knowing she believes in me keeps me going.

 

[onmyway76]

Thank you Simply. I journal too. Ironically, everything deteriorated as soon as I shared a journal entry about a trauma experience. It was the first time, I'd ever shared. I'd used my voice!

After that, everything changed. My T become cold and distant and she started questioning my motives and told me I may never get better and that the only hope I had to recover was to not see her for a month.

I guess I wanted feedback, but wasn't looking for that kind. Hence the title of my post;) Maybe I'll try to muster up the courage to share it with someone else and see if they have the same response.