So Confused And Sad By Therapist's Response

[bethinhfx]

wow- emailing traumas to T- what a great idea! I may do that because I am unable to talk about traumas. Wow, thank you!

 

[bethinhfx]

@onmyway: Honestly, I too had a very difficult experience with a T who did the same thing; became distant and withdrew after I honestly shared how I felt about how he triggered me. I have had some problematic relationships with counsellors-- they are not perfect but gosh, I wish they could deal with their sh%$#@t a little better. Try not to internalize what happened with your T- its not your fault, really!! Peace.

 

[Daisygirl]

onmyway76,

I have had both types of therapists - one who specializes in trauma and one who didn't. I found the experience very different. For instance, a trauma specialist would be able to ask you questions that could help you understand why you are dissociating in therapy. He/she could also help you with grounding techniques to help you during your sessions. I don't see how this is telling the patient what to do or steering them in their healing. This is teaching you a skill and helping you learn awareness so that you can find your path to healing.

On the other hand, with the therapist that didn't specialize in trauma, she didn't know how to help me when I dissociated, she actually empathized with my abusers, she even defended my husband when I was having issues with him. I got empathy or concern for me only rarely. I felt minimized. When I asked her why she continued to do these things when I had explained that I needed empathy in my sessions, she invaded my personal space physcially. So, after a year, I stopped seeing this person because my symptoms started getting so much worse.

I guess, when you see her in a month, if your T can't explain specifically what you are doing/not doing in your sessions that seems controlling, manipulative, etc., I would question why. If you are calmly asking for clarification, and your T cannot give you that, then how is that your problem?

I agree with the advice you are getting here. Therapists can project their issues onto patients. If she isn't a trauma specialist, he/she may be out of their expertise, and rather than admit it, put the blame on you. It doesn't mean he/she is doing it intentionally, it may just be a lack of understanding his/her own issues.

I agree with Anthony that IF you are showing manipulative, controlling behavior in therapy, then your T should have brought it up sooner. Also, getting a second opinion never hurts.

The reason why I say this is that you seem to get help from your T when you were working on issues regarding your husband and child, your T was helpful. But only since you have started sharing your childhood trauma are you not feeling the support from your T. Only you can decide if his/her attitude has changed, or if your defenses are up due to how much you are struggling with your past.

Also, dissociating as far as I know, has nothing to do with being borderline. It is uniquely a symptom of PTSD. So, if your T is saying that you feeling dissociated in your sessions is being controlling and manipulative, then that doesn't sound accurate to me.

I hope this helps, and I really do wish you the best in sorting your therapy out. A good therapist is very hard to find!

 

[Daisygirl]

Ironically, everything deteriorated as soon as I shared a journal entry about a trauma experience. It was the first time, I'd ever shared. I'd used my voice!

After that, everything changed. My T become cold and distant and she started questioning my motives and told me I may never get better and that the only hope I had to recover was to not see her for a month.

Just a thought, but when you are ready, you could talk about your trauma on the forum in Trauma Diaries. You may find a very different reaction here.

 

[onmyway76]

Thank you Daisy. I think I might just take the big plunge and share a bit. I'm in the season of my life where I'm learning to do things scared.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi throwing in my 2 cents. Can you go to a different therapist to get a second opionion? then if they both say the same thing mabe there is something to it. I was'nt there, but I have a hard time when anyone tells me I am playing games, and I'm not. It sounds like you were sharing from your heart. I do not know, it sounds messed up to me.

I hope for you some real peace in which way to go. It is so hard to be seeing a therapist and when theyget personal like thata red flag goes up for me. I don't like that she flat out told you that you were playing games. If you have been seeing her for awhile mabe she thinks she knows, but she could be wrong. Good luck with what you decide. Peace and healing to you from me.

 

[onmyway76]

Thanks so much Gizmo. I plan to have a 30 min consultation with a therapist who supposedly has specialization in trauma. I'm hoping that just checking out another therapist will help me decide what's best for me ultimately.

The current therapist has a specialty in addiction, but has worked on a lot of women's issues. Boundaries and relationships are definitely where she is strong.

She's actually leading a women's therapy group that I am a part of where some really great things have happened. Not sure how that will all play out if I stop seeing her for individual therapy.

I believe I'm healed up enough in some areas that I can take the good and leave the rest from the therapy in order to continue the group. Its definitely a healing step for me to be in a group as I tend to isolate and avoid when it comes to my "issues.":) Of course, if its awkward or I feel there's a negative impact on me by staying in the group, then I'll find another one to join.

Also, when I'm emotional, circumstances can seem all good or all bad. This situation has challenged me to see that this course of therapy has been very positive in many ways, but some painful things have happened as well. The pain doesn't have to discount the good.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi.

You sure have a good attitude and perspective. I am amzed.

It sounds like you have the whole situation under your control and you sound really mature. I am happy for you that the group is working out. It sounds like you are going to be ok no matter what you decide. It will take you far.

You are right, the pain does'nt have to discount the good.

 

[mamachick]

Like gizmo said-you do have a good attitude and perspective. Also vey open minded about self discovery-takes a lot of courage.

A friend was telling me that during a therapy session, the therapist asked her something and she said "I dont know I cant think right now" and he kind of snapped at her and told her "stand up and see if you can think a little faster". I was appalled at first.

As I thought about it, I realized that during any conversation with her, she will never answer a question until she is ready. Say she starts telling you a story about her cousin and I say, is she married, she will pause and say, well, I am getting to that, etc.... The story is long and goes off in other direcrtions and in the end, Im like WTF. It is like 99% of the time, she does not answer and must be in control of the direction of the conversation. I am ADDish and get really lost. If I were her therapist, I know I would have to draw her back and keep her focused. She is OCD and has her own way that makes perfect sense to her. She was mad and went to another theraapist. After a few sessions, he addressed it and described it as her game to maintain control. She quit therapy.

Now I know that this is nothing like you. I tend to intellectualize and analyze and use humor, which avoid emotions so I have been told and that delays progress. I know this is true and try to be conscious of it. I guess it is how I learned to survive but doesnt work anymore. I dont mean to.

I think you have spent a lot of time with this T and have the trust. I applaud you on your openess to discover. Whatever you discover, I can only think it will be of benefit to you.

 

[Philippa]

It's possible that in you sharing your trauma with your T it actually triggered things for HER that she didn't like or want to deal with, and that is why she turned cold on you? The therapist is also dealing with her own shit, and in helping you deal with yours, hers inevitably will come to the forefront as well.

Also, telling you that you may never recover just because you showed a diary entry...just.sounds.wrong.

Telling you that your only chance to recover is if you stay away for a month, sounds a tad manipulative in itself! It also sounds like she is using the emotion of fear to control you. "Stay away or you won't ever get well". That's a fear evoking thing to say.

This is just a theory mind you. It sounds pretty weird that a therapist would start behaving that way towards a client after the client shared pivotal information like that? She may have thought you were trying to illicit sympathy from her? But in the context of therapy, it's not an untoward thing to do, is it.

You are supposed to share your story with a therapist. It took courage for you to open up and tell her what you did, and it sounds like her reaction was a little inapropriate, unless you are leaving anything out here?

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure onmyway, but T or no T, ptsd is going to be a part of your life. Not to say it can't get much better, and there be more understanding, but no one can take it away, of course, so whatever works to help you will be one day worth it. The sooner you find things that work for you (and hopefully are healthy), the quicker you can get on with applying them. Work on getting through each day a little stronger.

Therapy, or dealing with trauma, makes one feel worse. What about at the same time taking small steps that feel better?
I mean, I know how I feel at least- avoidance, triggers, feeling badly, etc. But that's not necessarily going to change, only my response to them.

In a sense it's like Anthony said, trusting maybe it's time to just feel better, the responsibility for choices will come down to your own.

I would say a T familiar with trauma is familiar with trauma, I would think that helpful.

Because I thought (just to myself today), 'life' is the journey- what would it help to eventually get where you'd hope to be, but having in the process 'cringed' through every day and caused yourself and/ or others pain? Just do the best you can. Baby steps of progress, recovery, self-understanding, trust, maturity, strength, onus for yourself.

((((Hugs))))

 

[onmyway76]

Didn't leave anything important out. After I read, she stood up turn to walk to her desk, and with her back to me she said,'you sound like you blamed yourself.' Then she sat down and asked 'so, when do you want to schedule your next appt?' It was instantly a different atmosphere. I was a bit shocked and had just used my voice for the first time so I was emotional. I just got up and left. No more discussion, no feedback, nothing.

Went back for my next session and that's when she said all the things I previously mentioned. So bizarre!

Gizmo and Brat, thank you for the encouragement about how I've handled it. Please don't be deceived though. I spent 12 days crying, screaming, shaking my fist at God, fretting, trying to use every coping strategy I had and then some, because it just hurt so bad. Having my motives questioned really hurt-especially mixed with the emotion of having just shared a piece of my story.

I prayed, journaled, talked to a close friend to try to constructively combat the yuck I was feeling and finally was able to take a deep breath and look into the mirror at me. It was sort of a 'serenity prayer' moment. I realized that I did have some responsibility in the situation. Simply put, I was reacting to fear instead doing it scared. I also came to terms with the fact my T was wrong about some things and that while they hurt, it didn't make her bad. It made her human.

it has given me a new resolve to get well and be more proactive. I'm learning to advocate better for myself too. I feel competent and capable more than before. I'm accepting the fact I have PTSD finally-after having the diagnosis for 4 years.

I'm grateful that this bad situation has helped me get to a better place. It doesn't always happen that way, but it did this time.

Oh and last but not least, it motivated me to find this site!