So Confused Being Me

[Bloomy]

Im so confused and it makes me despair.

After I joined membership here on myptsd i became more aware of my utter confusion of being me

I've read some psychology books and books about trauma and gained some understanding of the human psyche and traumatized psyche in particular.

I am confused because I do not have a core in myself? An authentic self?

The last two weeks I have felt pretty good and it's not been the case for some time.
But that feeling good is also daunting. It feels like I've been away too long. And when I finally wake up, And even more of me is missing since last time I was awake.

For example, I used to be good at school. In language and spelling. History.
Now I almost no longer write correctly in my own language Norwegian far less in English.
I used to be ambulatory and community engaged.

Now I have more than enough to inform me of where I am right now.

And its hard to relate or interact with others.

As in the midst of the trauma my head was clearly focused and sharp, but now it feels like I become dumber and dumber day by day.

But I can not remember I ever have felt good in this way that I can feel now sometimes. and then. It feels as if I am a bud waiting to burst and bloom and finally actually feel somewhat content with life. All though how my life is today without regular employment and residency and its much needed for me to have the real opportunity to flourish.

I try to apply for jobs and education, and that's when I notice it; Who am I really? In apply for work one is supposed to describe yourselves and personal qualities and I just do not know what or whom I am.

I feel distant wrting this. Like blur. And lately also I felt distance in talking with others. Estranged.

But its doesnt correlate with me feeling good and also hopefull that maybe just maybe there is a hope for me too?

I wonder on the good days sometimes why I feel good. Is it negative self talk? Im telling my self that some one like me and in my state doesnt deserve to feel like other people. To be present and content in the here and now.

I feel confuses me to articulate my feelings in this post. Like I dont even know how to describe the above just beacause Im in a confused state of being. Or is it that Im splitted?

Has anyone experenced this? Is it part of dissociation? Do I have brain trauma due to ptsd?

 

[Ronin]

I am confused because I do not have a core in myself? An authentic self?

I tend to believe the only people who don't have an authentic self are abusers, because of their bullshit 'needs' to abuse others to feel they have a self and something in the world, everyone else are themselves just well, only can't manifest it in ways they'd desire to various reasons.

Plus, is 'core self' even needed to get where you need in life? Is it necessary for living, is what I'm asking. In my experience 'authentic' is more about relating to the experience & people around, other factors than essentialist feeling of self, change is a more reliable and true to life constant.

 

[Bloomy]

Cashew - now Im more confused :confused:

But I startet to write a motivation letter to university to study occupational therapy and I think I did have a break through to understand and see my self in a larger perspective.

I think that Ive been trapped in the me as a young girl. I lost those years having to survive. So I never got the chanse to be young and do what ever young people actually do.

The grown up me has not been able to be exactly grown up and responsible cause the young girl with all her unmet needs of love care and protection have been in the way. Screamin and shouting inbeteween feeling terrified lost and completely alone.

And within this span lies the confusin. The "clash" between the selves. Ive been so much more grown up the past year. Takin rightful responsibility without all the sobbing and crying and victimized behaviour I think I might have had.

I also think as Ms Spock said - sometimes I think to much. To much time on my hand and that is not good for any one :chicken:

Ps It still doenst explain why I lost my ability write with correct spelling and grammar in both my native language and english :angelic:

 

[Ronin]

I'm basically saying, do not worry about 'not having self' too much.

Just because you're confused and not having a firm feeling of who you are, doesn't make you a nobody.

Your yourselfness didn't go anywhere. Trauma is complicated, would be so much easier with having most answers easily available.

Spelling can be re-learnt with practice... and isn't the most important thing in a language there is. ;)

 

[Deleted member 29920]

It's quite common for people with dissociative disorders to forget things, skills they previously had

This might help explain it better?

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/

Also, are you seeing a therapist? Only they could really determine what effects the trauma has had on your brain and help you get better (((Bloomy)))

 

[Sideways]

@Bloomy - having written that last post about your lightbulb moment, do you feel more at peace with the idea that you do have an inner core-self?

Maybe we haven't had a chance to get to know ourselves too well because of all the years we spend hating ourselves and avoiding ourselves...but for what it's worth, any person that can write what you wrote, has a inner core that is well worth getting to know.

Compassion, insight, humour, courage - seems to me you have quite a few elements to your core self that are well worth getting to know:)

 

[Bloomy]

@Cj77

Im seing a therapist, but she is not into this. She is just a support to make me hang on. Thats all she can offer. Its not easy to get a good therapist and usually it involves money.
Im aware of the biochemical processes as a consquenses of ptsd, but probably Im in denial it happend to me. My intelligence is how Ive survived and to loose it is aweful. But I do know I need to work on my inner flow of stress hormones and that itll take time.

@Ragdoll Circus

Well.... Atleast its good to understand myself and where I come from. But its painful to have this teenager popping up when I really need to be a grown up instead.

I said it before here - I need to scream. I need a mountain to go up on and howl out all the pain :arghh;

I dont feel I need so much more talking about all the horrible things. I dont really belive I should tell anyone all the things I actually have survived. Itll kill me and itll kill them. Guess I need some one to assist me to understand and to correct what became of me as a result of it.

Today is not a very good day. Yet. But yes. I need feedback that Im something else then traumatized and a f...k up :banghead:

So I take your good words with me :happy:

Luckily I run a hiking group and the people there dont know this about me. That makes it possible for me to be exactly more the heatlhy me. The fun loving adventourous crazy me :roflmao: :whistling: Its part of what kept me on my to feets the past two years :)