General So, Even Though...

[Angus McGee]

Good advice. Will do.

Thank you.

 

[complexmind]

Hey Angus...I've been thinking about the 'isolating' thing some this weekend. I have often wondered if the need for space/isolation is not some attempt on the part of the sufferer to be compliant to what they believe people are thinking about them and 'requiring them to do' when they hurt. My bride was conditioned (read brainwashed) to believe she was a bother or irritating and her pain was irrelevant (or some variant of that) and after whatever crisis took place in her home as a child she was basically forced into isolation i.e. 'sent to her room without any supper'. I started thinking this morning that maybe I should try validating what she feels when she starts isolating by telling her something like "You look like you want to be alone right now but you don't have to be. I know you are hurting and I would like to hear what you are feeling". Not in a "I need you here instead" way but in a way that offers my strength and love to her to lean on and rest in regardless of how tormented she feels on the inside.

Make sense?

 

[OKRADLAK]

Sending email is a good idea! And letters.Trust me, she will CHERISH every one more than you know.

 

[Angus McGee]

we do email regularly. I've mentioned this board to her, and she's told me. "It's all well and good that you're on there and learning about PTSD, but they don't know me!" IOW, I can learn about the generic symptoms and treatment for PTSD, but her specific problems are her own. She also seems to know best on how to get treatment, at the current time is nothing.

Honestly, I feel like I'm getting to the end of my rope. I'm ready to just say "Fine. Go. Come back if you want, or don't. I'm cool either way." Now, that could be just frustration and hurt feelings talking, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I need a wife.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Angus---one of the great things about being on here is that no one does know us. A lot of us need that anonymity. She might find support. And, for those who want to disclose more, there are many connections made here where people DO get to know one another.

I understand it is all her choice.

I hope you find a resolution. I can see it is making you so sad! :(

 

[Muzikluvr]

Angus, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I searched for motorcycles over the weekend and found your post about how riding is the best therapy for you. My husband got me started on riding and I agree with you.

I was close to leaving once. I didn't want to leave, just thought it was the right thing to do. My husband assured me he didn't want me to leave and I stopped when he said "Don't I get a choice in how I spend my life?" and then he chose me. He hugged me while I told him the latest incredibly frightening memory... which included me making some horrible mistakes - that was the worst part. In fact, I thought it would convince him that I should leave, maybe he'd even kick me out. He still chose to stay with me. I had no where to go, no money to leave with and here he was, like you, lovingly open to hear my pain and hold me through it. I couldn't leave, though I felt miserable staying for a while. Now I just feel like he chose this, I don't know why, and I don't know how much longer he'll choose it, but I don't feel like I have to leave and isolate to protect him and the kids.

Your post brought this all back to me and I sent my husband a message thanking him for his support. He seemed to like that! I wanted to share it with you, since I would not have done that today if not for you. Thank you!

Ride on!
Muzik

 

[Angus McGee]

I would pay any price to have my wife show some sort of affection towards me. She never has been big on it, but these last months, she hasn't even come close to me. Last night, she was crying, and I put my hand on her knee to comfort her. (she was under the covers in her room, I was sitting at the foot of her bed). She waved me off. I know in my heart that I'm doing the right thing, but am running out of strength.

For those of you that believe in prayer, I ask that you would pray for strength for me, and healing for my wife. I don't know what the next few months have in store. I am emotionally spent, and completely unable to handle this anymore on my own.

 

[Tinyflame]

BigBear, your post above is 100% accurate. You could substitute the word 'undeservedly' (in her mind) for 'unreservedly'.
Peace I hope to all, and prayers for you and your wife Angus, or anyone who accepts them, from my heart and soul.

 

[Reclusive]

Angus, what you're doing is quite noble. I understand how difficult it can be as my fiance has PTSD and isolates a lot. I do, too. But since you're feeling so emotionally drained and I don't know how much you're getting IRL from our validating you, I suggest that you consider therapy for yourself. Dealing with someone with PTSD can be very emotionally damaging and it's important to learn how to deal with that. I hope that makes sense. Prayers on their way.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hey Angus...I've been thinking about the 'isolating' thing some this weekend. I have often wondered if the need for space/isolation is not some attempt on the part of the sufferer to be compliant to what they believe people are thinking about them and 'requiring them to do' when they hurt. My bride was conditioned (read brainwashed) to believe she was a bother or irritating and her pain was irrelevant (or some variant of that) and after whatever crisis took place in her home as a child she was basically forced into isolation i.e. 'sent to her room without any supper'. I started thinking this morning that maybe I should try validating what she feels when she starts isolating by telling her something like "You look like you want to be alone right now but you don't have to be. I know you are hurting and I would like to hear what you are feeling". Not in a "I need you here instead" way but in a way that offers my strength and love to her to lean on and rest in regardless of how tormented she feels on the inside.

Make sense?

For the first time in my life Complexmind- yes. Thank you, (((Complexmind))).

 

[complexmind]

Care to elaborate Junebug?? I'd like to hear your thoughts.

 

[Tinyflame]

I will try, complexmind, I just can't now. I think you are soooo right- wow, it's hard to find words. Thank you-