So Frustrated And Overwhelmed

[Cabernet88]

I don't know what to do at this point. My brain is foggy but filled with a tension, paranoia, sadness, anxiety, and depression.

I am in my last semester of college. I am a single mom with a daughter I home-school. I am completely freaking out and I just want to lay down and cry myself to sleep and never wake up.

This week, I lost 3 people. My grandmother died, my uncle died, and a family friend died. People are looking at me wondering why I don't want to go to the funerals, death triggers all of my symptoms. I finally let my sisters bully me into going to my grandmother's funeral. I know this might sound bad, but I was never close to this grandmother. I have maybe seen her a handful of times in my entire life. But I cannot handle any if this, I haven't felt this way in months. I thought treatment was working until now.

On top of this, I have to order flowers to send to the other funerals. I need to get my daughter's girl scout stuff ready. I need to do my homework and study. I need to get prepared for gardening season. I am my sister's maid of honor in her upcoming wedding. I need to get my daughter's birthday party set up. I feel smothered. I want to cry. I want to die. I just can't take it. I feel like I should just disappear and lock myself somewhere all alone, forever.

I feel all this pressure to find a job and start working right now and the whole thought of working scares me. I can't explain it, when I think about going to a job I feel uneasy, anxious, and want to cry. At the same time, I am very concerned about money.

There is just too much going on right now. The worst part about it was I tried to talk to my mom and sister last night, because I thought they were my support team. But that failed. They looked at me as if to say "Okay and?" And they basically responded that everyone has problems and I need to stop being so lazy and whiny. That I need to just grow up and face life, because life doesn't stop for me and my problems. I was crushed. I feel like drinking, smoking, and even trying to find some other type of drug or something.

I feel like I am an annoyance and a burden to my family. I have no one to talk to. I feel like a failure. I just want to escape from it all.

 

[Leah123]

Awww, being upset when you have several major stressors hit you doesn't mean treatment's not working at all! Anyone and everyone would be challenged by the events you're experiencing now. The financial pressure and lifestyle change around leaving school and finding work with a young child is certainly stressful in itself. The loss of three people so soon together just seems unfair, frankly, and you're certainly not the only one who finds funerals very difficult.

I'm glad you reached out here. Do you have, or have you considered seeing a counselor or finding some ongoing support?

I'm a crazy-busy mother myself, I work 60 hours a week, am in school full time, have an eight year old daughter and a challenging marriage. I totally relate to the wanting to escape, feeling completely overwhelmed, anxious, sad, tense paranoid feelings. Are there some things you can do to comfort and take care of yourself? Even small ones like have some cocoa, take a walk, listen to music, take a nap for an hour and let your kiddo watch tv. Every little bit of care will help, and you deserve a lot of care!

 

[Cabernet88]

I have a therapist that I see monthly. Having crappy insurance, I can't really go more often than that. She is very helpful, but I feel like as much as I've opened up to her, I can't fully open up to her either--I don't really trust anyone. My PTSD came from being in a long-term abusive relationship with my late husband. And that created this lack of trust that I have. I don't trust anyone and I am very paranoid. I can't make friends. I can't date--not that I would want to as my track record is horrible. I can barely make small talk. I have no one to talk to and I feel like I'm completely lost. If anything happened to my child, I would just give up because there is no reason to be alive.

 

[Leah123]

Once a month isn't much in the way of support, no wonder you feel you can't fully open up.... seeing someone 12 times a year is not conducive to an intimate relationship unfortunately.

Have you considered free resources like support groups?
I do encourage you to be very kind to yourself, that's going to be critically important while you're short on resources. Making time to put yourself first will be very very healing, I know it has been for me.
If you don't trust people, have you considered maybe joining chats online, like using this forum and online discussions to be able to share in an anonymous way?
Does your school provide counseling? It's free at a lot of them: not the type of in-depth trauma work, but something, something concrete to help you have a little support and get some ideas and resources.

I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely, burned out, and scared. It can get better.

 

[Forgetful]

Hello Cabernet88. I can easily relate with some of the struggles your facing. I don't know how to quote individual statements contained in a post. So I'll just have to let you know how I'm trying to get through similar situations.

When it comes to dealing with death ( even somebody I'm close to ) I go emotionally numb. I tend to stay away from funerals for that reason. I don't want to be seen as a cold hearted, uncaring bitch. Within a couple of days my brain treats the memory of that person as if they never existed. I know that it is something I need to work on.

As for only being ably to see your therapist because of financial reasons, does she offer a sliding scale for services offered that insurance won't pay for? Also you can sometimes find one whose fees are more affordable. Check with your towns Health & Human Services. It may mean switching therapists. I know this is very difficult as I'm currently looking for a new one.

It sounds as if you need to find another/additional support system. I use Facebook chat to contact the 2 people who are supportive as they live. 3000 miles away. One is a new friend so I'll have to see how that goes. The other has been my best friend for 30 odd years. She has her own physical/mental health issues so she's not always available.

One of the ways i overcome feeling overwhelmed...I write out a list of what has to be done at a specific time along with date and time. All the things you have to accomplish with no time restrictions I write down on small pieces of paper then put them into a box, bowl or anything along those lines. I take out 5 at a time and make a list of them. Tackle them one at a time then pick another 5.

I have to break larger chores into smaller parts. Example..instead of writing clean kitchen I would write clean table, dishes etc. This is for me the only way I accomplish anything each day.

I am having financial difficulties too. My husband and I are both on disability. He's trying to find a part time job that he can do without affecting his severe pain. I've been thinking about that too. I get very anxious and aggravated. I also get stomach issues. Just thinking about it terrifies me. It is something I will have to work on it after I find another therapist. Sorry this is so long.

Best of luck to you.

Mary

 

[arfie]

After a week like this, the urge to curl up and cry sounds downright healthy. That's allot to go through. Perhaps your mother and sister are equally affected?

During a phase like this, simply surviving is all I focus on. One foot in front of the other.

Keep sharing the load, Cabernet. Small steps.

 

[Everhopeful]

Dear Cabernet88, life has really dealt you a lot with the passing away of 3 family members/friends and having to deal with the funerals and grief process. And being a single mom, finishing off your studies and having the pressure of having to find work.

Can you perhaps not just strike off some of the less urgent things from your current "to do list"? Is prepping for the gardening season a total essential? And do you have to organise flowers for both the other funerals, can you perhaps just do the one and get your other family to take care of the other flower order?

Can you ask your sister to put as little pressure on you as possible about your maid of honour duty at her wedding?

Just try your best at your study work, if it falls below your usual standard, it is understandable and ok.

I struggled often with berating myself for "substandard" performance when I was under pressure, but you know what, now I think "It's understandable and it's ok". Just breathe and take it step by step. You will be ok.

Take care!

 

[Cabernet88]

Thank you all for offering your kind words and advice.

Leah, I haven't thought about checking out the school's resources, that's a really good idea. My therapist has advised me to postpone joining a support group for domestic violence survivors because I have a lot of trouble with recounting my experiences or listening to others talk about theirs. But I might do okay with another type of general trauma support group or something.

Mary, I am the same way with funerals and that makes it hard for me. When I go to a funeral, I don't feel anything. I don't cry (even though I try to make myself cry to appear more caring). I find the same problem when I'm at family functions because it's like I can't connect emotionally the way that everyone else does.

The issue with my therapist and insurance is that my insurance only allows me X amount of mental health visits per year. I have to see the doctor once a month in order to continue my medication (Zoloft and Concerta for ADD). So coupled with my therapist visits, that's 24 visits a year, and I think that's my insurance's maximum.

I feel like I do need a stronger support system. I don't want everyone to cater to me, but I just wish they would be more understanding with how hard things are for me sometimes and not put more pressure on me to find a job, or ask me why I am not crying about my family members' deaths. It's frustrating and if I ask more directly for support, they tell me I need to get it together.

I really liked your idea for the box with things I need to do in it. Thank you so much for that I am definitely going to try to put that into practice to try to make things more manageable and less overwhelming.

Arfie, you're right, my mother and sister are probably feeling the stress of these events too, and dealing with their own lives and what not. I don't want people to cater to me as if I'm the only one going through anything, I just hate feeling like I have no one to talk to, especially when they are always telling me I can talk to them.

Everhopeful, I suppose I could cut down my to-do list. The gardening is one of the only things that gets me out of the house. Because I don't really go out or have a lot of friends, it has become almost an obsession of sorts. I have a tendency to get completely fixated on making it perfect. I guess I need to really think about the stress that I can control and change.