I just want to say that I agree with "deer in headlights' earlier post "
If you were forced into killing someone (which is horrendously traumatic to a good person), there are healthy ways of helping you cope with the distress and bring healing. It truly is ok to heal and come back to life, even after killing someone!
And Bobby, you said that you can't deal with people wanting to help. Please reach out to us. To someone. I will NEVER judge you. I have no right..I've made so so many mistakes in my life..Its hard to believe that high school, even as hard as that was...were the easiest times we'd have in our lives. I know all too well the feelings of hopelessness. Not being able to stand your own self. To just want the pain to be finally over, no more suffering, because this life..its been so hard for so long already. I know how that feels. I know how it feels to just want everyone to go away, to not want to be part of anything, because existing, simply being alive, was so f*ckin hard.I know what it feels like to be so full of pain. And haunted by demons that just won't leave you alone. And I didn't have anyone to turn to. I couldnt even verbalize that I needed someone. Anyone. I was paralized inside. I felt nothing, yet everything, all at the same time.
You have done the hardest part Bobby. You reached out. You verbalized your suffering. I want to help you. I want to be there for you. You were always my best friend. You were always there for me in school. YOu listened to all my problems with my mother, you never judged me. You stood in my corner all along, ready to defend me and make sure I knew I was never alone. Do you remember when you bought me my first pet? My bunny? So I wouldn't be alone. I love you Bobby. I always have.(for anyone reading this, I love Bobby...of course, as a friend. Even in high school, we were ONLY friends. But the best of friends.) That has never changed, in all these years we've been apart. You are my friend. Because of you, I have some of the best memories of my youth. Seriously. I have your back. And I'll fight for your life, any way I can.
You don't have to live with this alone. Keep reaching out. Make a difference out of this horrible experience. Just don't give up hope. Please. You are loved. Your family, your mom,your friends. You are not alone.
I will never judge you. And I will never let you down. Nothing and nobody will ever change my loyalty to my friend. I"ve got your back Bobby. I will always be there for you, if you need a friend. I promise.
