So I Broke Down.

[LongStoryShort]

Ho hum, so I'm here again. ( Promise togo away soon)

I got out of hand I just could not stand it anymore and told everyone, crying of course about my condition. I feel awful, like I'm weak and don't deserve to study after all cause, what am I doing here when I can't hold it in, nobody here needs to care... perhaps I should just give up I'm just making a fool of myself.

Someone said something today about the survival of the strongest and I felt so weak like I don't belong here.

Somebody else told me they know exactly how I feel, this specific person seems so energized and happy and stable all the time almost to the point of beaming... but claim to suffer from depression( I mean who am I to say)... and is one of the best in class, if not the best. I don't see a lot of concentration /memory problems there...

One or two I think sincerely understood.

Perhaps they thought it's a lame excuse, who knows...

The others seemed very happy after I told them, they seemed like they were pulling together more.

While I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to cry. But I stayed and cried, and I just pretended like nothing happened, crying me? no....

Then I was spoken to referring to my problem behaviour, I don't really like thinking that I'm such a problem I felt I have a problem, but this person made me feel like I should feel like I am a problem :-(

Oh I hope I can get through this semester. I want to become something :-( like be able to have a job.

I feel guilt too for even complaining. I just don't understand my condition sometimes. I have been in inner pain for many years, I am no longer in constant inner pain, I felt even I was possibly OK. Of course I take a pill which makes me feel more normal, I just thought my paranoia, distrust and my feelings would be more normal by now too, but they are not. I wonder will they ever be. Perhaps my problems are no longer PTSD, but something else.

I thought I could do it just be normal enough so no one would notice.

Thanks for listening.

 

[HelenB]

I am sorry to hear you have had such a hard day. It sounds as if inside you are just hurting so much and that you need so much to be heard and understood. That in fact is normal, and as you find for yourself safe places where you really can release so much of what needs to come out, there will be a release from it and you will be free to be the person you so much want to be and achieve the things you want to achieve.

I really hope you can find some peace after the day you have had and am glad that there were a couple who did seem to understand and really hope that now you can listen to yourself and anything you do need to get out and find a safe way to really express that and find more peace within yourself.

God bless
Helen

 

[macca]

What is normal anyway? Is it never feeling, or never showing any humanity? Is it never being vulnerable in front of another person? You are not weak, you are human.

Maybe some won't understand, or think they do but don't, but it sounds like some of them got it, and if the group pulled together more afterwards, that is a sign that they are not rejecting you, that they are accepting you. The person who chided you for being a problem showed lack of understanding, but they had their own reasons for saying that, you didn't cause them to react that way, they just did.

You've been battling for years, but that doesn't mean that you'll never beat it, it means that you have developed strength you don't even recognise yet. Keep hanging in there. Are you seeing a therapist? I've avoided that for years, but now I'm actually going, it's gold.

 

[LongStoryShort]

Thanks a lot. I really appriciate it your help and opinions, allthough I'll probably soon be banned here for grammar reasons :-/

Unfortunately the group pulled together without me and from the outside they seemed a really happy bunch now, allthoug there has been bickering throughout.

I really do not like to be bossed arround it makes me feel trodden on so when somebody wants to take control I feel really uncomfortable, think everything should be discussed in a calm manner instead of one bossyboots deciding everything for us.

I pulled away, I felt like being alone :-( Some people arround me talked to me and I had to talk back althoug I just wanted to be left alone then when everyone left I cried some more. It just seemed like this one person who I think has wanted to control the exercise througout the task got energised and happier as a result of my downfall, it's like it gave her energy or something and although she was saying encouraging things it was like I felt she sucked power from it which made me really annoyed. I mean I'm thinking she is happy now cause she knows I won't do so well in the exam now since I can't concentrate and fokus on what is important: The subjects! All the better for her having another screwup around it lifts her grades. How can I fokus? when ppl are so frustrating! :-(

Think the only reason I get into these situations is because I keep going and keep doing stuff, if I said I was sick and refused to do the execrcise on the grounds of being too ill, then I would feel better about the situation but I do feel a sense of commitment coming to meetings, doing what I said I would.

I hate it but I just knew it !I just knew it from the day I learned we were having two group exercises that I just could not cope with it in the end:-(

(I have a real problem with going to therapy, so I don't.)

Hopefully I can think of it as just a bad day and that not my whole attempt goes down the can. Cause right now I feel I don't ever want to see or speak to ... again, and as she will be there, therefore I can not- so right now I can't go to uni. I will struggle to look her in the eye because I really don't like kniving ppl who play games- and want to be in control. But perhaps only I see it that way I don't know.

 

[HelenB]

I am glad that it had helped to be able to share on here and hope you will be able to continue to do so.

I know you have said that you have a real problem with therapy, and do not know what your experience is, but there are many good therapists and I know for myself that without the therapy I have had, there is no way I would have got through and really would encourage you to reexamine your reasons and consider whether it may help, as being able to have a safe space with someone who really understands I know for me has been so beneficial, and that in other contexts I know I would never have been as safe to explore and release everything which did need to come out.

I hope within the group you can focus on you and the few who do understand and care, as they are the ones which matter, and I know for myself when I was in similar situations that when I just focused on close relationships and not on trying to be part of a group, who really only cared about being a part of the group or crowd, it made so much difference and I still have those close relationships today.

I hope that makes some sense to you and that you are able to find more peace today.

God bless
Helen

 

[macca]

That sucks. I understand the desire to be on your own, and the worry about the motives of others. I have to keep telling myself sometimes that I don't know what they are thinking, or I'll fill in the gaps myself. There are people who don't get it though. And that is not your fault! It's so hard to be vulnerable and then feel like that afterwards. It's obviously important to you to stand by your word (by going to the group stuff), and that is admirable. I hope you keep coming here to the forum.

On therapy - I am 43 now, and have denied my stuff to myself all my life. Only now have I relented and gone to therapy, and that's only because I had an eruption of PTSD too big to ignore this time. But it turned out to be the right decision, it's really helping me - it wasn't near as bad as I expected. I don't know the reasons behind your not wanting to go to therapy, what you may have experienced, but I hope you might eventually come to a point where you can manage to try again. Good ones are out there!

 

[LongStoryShort]

Thank you Helen and Macca. You are right, I hope I find a therapist I like and feel is of help. I will go register again, or maybe I can find one online who is not a scaundrel.

There are so many reasons I find it hard to go to therapy. - distance, -time, - money, - and for the previous reasons I have to feel it is 100% worth my time and money, - having to reexplain myself to a therapist I possibly will not like in the end, my previous therapist got a job somewhere else, which meant I could no longer see her:-(

Last time I started I just stopped, cause I did not feel I had the time (as my boss wanted me to be at work), here therapists only work in the working hours, when you are supposed to be at work or doing studies yourself... For a while I was in group therapy which I had to go to, because it was strongly advised, and that to me was just not helpful at all if anything it made me feel worse.

It's all so complicated....

Getting a therapist is not easy either, perhaps I'll go to the student therapist, that could be an idea! Cheaper too.

I'm so glad to hear that somebody understands what it's like, filling the gaps and all that, I need really good and truthfull communication in order to function. I hate to guess cause I'll always guess more to the negative what ever that may be.

Now I have to get this drama out of my mind so I can do something of what I need to... If only there was an easy cure....

 

[LongStoryShort]

Things turned from bad to worse. Before I started Uni again I was so happy and balanced. Things are going really badly for me at the moment. I have exams in under two weeks, and now I start feeling very very depressed :-( All because ... some people in my group have a very harsh and inconsiderate way about them. I can't even talk to some of them anymore and in a way I feel it is best that way, it is better for me to not have to socialize with them, but it makes me so sad because it is a remainder that I always fail socially and almost without fail end up the least liked person. I think having friends for me should just remain something unreachable, it is something I should just forget! And having friends is not even important , what is important, is me finishing this course :-(

I never really had friends, but I guess deep down I must want them since it is so hard every time I remember I can't have them.

:-( Sad sad sad

 

[macca]

Exams bring heaps more stress to your life, on top of everything else. Have you ever read the article on this site "Understanding PTSD" by Anthony? It's under the Articles tab at the very top of the page, and then on the second page. This has helped me very much, especially the part about stress.

As for the friends part - I have similar issues. I've always had very few friends, and often have thought I'd made friends with someone, but it always fizzles out. I'm not sure if it's me, the PTSD, or them. Something I haven't gone over yet in therapy. Sometimes when I succeed in making a friend who seems to want to keep it going, I myself seem to let it fizzle out. It could be the PTSD belief that I'm working on now - that "I don't matter". There's probably more to it that I don't understand yet though. Keep trying.

 

[LongStoryShort]

Hi . Sorry I feel guilty on this forum cause I have not really done anything but complain about my own issues. I know there are a lot of people hurting and with their problems, and here I am going on about myself, I guess I just feel a lot of time pressure at the moment which a reason for why I'm being so selfish as well as the fact that I'm struggling a lot at the time being because of these changes in my life and need to get it off my chest.

I have read lots of articles, not that specific one, but a lot of them just to understand myself and give myself a break, not that a diagnosis is always something to hide behind when things go wrong, but it does help me atleast accept myself as I am even if others can't
.
When it comes to my tries to acheive friendship (or just get along with people in general) I will hold my hands up to it that in almost all cases it is my fault it is because I have anxiety and too much inner anger I lash out and overreact I misunderstand people a lot. I think really the fact that I had no friends after I was12 yrs explains it a lot. I do not have enough experience with friendships and social situations. And when you are a grown up almost everybody already has their friends and they are not interested in getting to know you. In some ways I think it is a relief because I have little to say when they ask about my personal life/ background which is anything they Sonetimes I wish I could become an author or win the lottery or something so I could just not have to deal with people.

The "I don't matter" problem I'm sorry you are feeling that way :-( Think at the moment you matter a lot to me because you are talking to me and it actually makes me feel a lot better! Thank you macca for doing that it means a lot to me. SO I am sure you matter to a lot of people because you bother trying to help others!

I don't know in the schemes of things how much any of us matter because in the end we are just grains of dust in the wind... all we people can do is matter something to one another in this human experience.Just going outside and giving a smile to someone who needs and being kind to someone can really make the world a better place. It doesn't take a lot to matter cause the little things count more then people sometimes think.

Oh I made it sound so simple now, when I know it really isn't necessarily so when you are depressed.

Personally I have not had that thought much, just jumping to the the world would be better if I wasn't at all. But I am glad I have not had those thoughts for a long time although in my current problems they have reared their head a couple of times when I have felt sucked into the darkness of depression.

Hope you feel better soon !

 

[macca]

Thanks @LongStoryShort . Do not worry, I'm really good at avoiding, so I tend not to think about it much if I can help it! ;) It's something I need to work on though.

I noticed you did another thing I do, which is saying to yourself that you're over-reacting...my therapist pointed out to me that my saying that was a way of criticising and minimising myself - but it's actually a sign of being triggered, and part of the PTSD. We don't choose it, and it's hard to control, especially without help (that is, without therapy).

And at least we can be social on here even if we struggle otherwise - I know I say stuff on here that I would never say to people outside of the forum!