So I Tell Them I'm Unsafe And That's A Good Thing?

[Sandstone]

Yes, Jenn, I've wondered about this, but I'm not sure if it would be feasible as i have to be under NHS Mental Health to get medications via their Psychiatrist, and the first therapist was under NHS Clinical Psychology.

It's particularly frustrating because I'm currently not on any meds at all, as I've reacted adversely to one and had such bad side effects from the all the other anti-depressants they've tied. However, there was some suggestion of trying anti-anxiety drugs.

I'm not sure now if I've burned my boats with the MH people. I feel huge relief at being rid of the therapist, but the Psych. and CPN were both quite human and supportive. I'll see what happens. I have to phone today to re-affirm that I no longer want to see their T. IF their phone system works. Often people have to phone the next building and get them to run a message across.

I've emailed the two reputable looking Mindfulness trainers in the county, but one only does it as part of therapy and now only works on the other side of the county, the other also only trains in the city, but replied saying she would ask around for anyone covering my area.

 

[Sandstone]

Upon reflection, I now think it was incredibly stupid of me to have asked for help like this. It just makes me look unstable and needy so they won't put any value on what I say about anything.

Predictably, the outcome seems to be that I have no services at all now. I decided I couldn't go on seeing that therapist, and asked if there was anyone else, but have had no response . My CPN came back to work briefly, but cancelled our appointment and is now off sick again. I haven't seem the support worker since January, when i ran away part through an opticians appointment. So there is just the psychiatrist left, and I don't think there are any plans for him to see me.

I feel as though I'm trapped in a hamster exercise ball running steadily down a slope to a cliff edge. I keep looking for the escape hatch, but there is no way out.

I've started again with a private therapist, who I think will prove good, but I'm only 3 sessions in. I mentioned what had happened and she seemed incredulous that I 'd walked 13 miles like that. I'm so stupid: I just can't manage to function like a normal person.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You are not stupid. I walked huge blisters on my feet once. You are trying everything you can think of to get better. That makes you smart. If you are interested in mindfulness, and mindfulness meditation, google will provide you with guided meditations and many websites on it. You are doing the best you can for yourself, and you deserve a pat on the back. I know it doesn't look like that from where you are, but it is true.

 

[Abstract]

Stenni, I am incensed on your behalf. It is crazy.

I think the fact that you walked all that way is very impressive and shows both your determination to get help and your desperate need of it. It shows your courage. If anyone doesn't understand that then the fault lies with them. Hopefully your new therapists increduality is related to her shock at your level of determination. And that would be a good thing.

There are quite a few mindfulness classes and groups opening up around the country so it might be worthwhile having a look at that too.

Can you write a nice, calm but firm letter doing an update of your care? You can calmly state that although the therapist was not a good match you have found your case worker, psychhiatrist and CPN all very helpfull. That you tried for a long time with the therapist but that it just wasn't right and you would like some other help instead.

Maybe ask for what you think you need. I would ask if you could have someone stand in for your CNN when next he is sick and ask when next you will be seeing your psychiatrist and case worker.

I would clearly state that you are presently deeling with the emotional aftermath of having discussed your traumas in, and the process itself of the ATOS assesment and that you need your support team in order to stabalise again.

 

[Sandstone]

I have a constant argument running in my head

"Obviously they don't think there's anything much wrong with you. You just need to deal with it by yourself and stop making a fuss"

"But I'm not dealing with it. I'm behaving in ways that are more and more dangerous"

"Well, you need to stop that. It won't do any good. There's nothing to gained by it, Just sit quietly and wait"

"I need to do something to help myself. I'm desperately unhappy"

"The experts clearly don't think so. You are just making a fuss about something very trivial. You've no right to specialist services"

"But I can't cope"

"Well that's your problem"

I do stuff that distracts me - but it just starts going round and round as soon as I let up.

I tried phoning them this morning, to ask what was happening. My CPN was back, but didn't sound good. I'm afraid I lost my cool when he said he needed to discuss it with me and wanted to make an appointment for the week after next. I had no expectation he would still be around by then. He says he believes I'm struggling, but has nothing more to offer and can't do more than the service allows.

I'm so frustrated because I have ideas for next steps but can't put them into practice alone.

• I want to use something called the Recovery Star for measuring where I am and for goal setting. BUT I need to that with someone trained who knows me.
• I want to try to attend a Mind day centre as a way of being around other people safely. BUT it's now a paid service and I need a personal budget to pay for it
• I want to go to a Mindfulness class, BUT I can't find one locally so would need someone to travel with.

I don't want to self harm or take excessive pills to try to vanish, but I'm stuck doing that because none of the actions that might work are open to me.

After speaking to the CPN I could only see finding a way to sleep until his appointment as a solution. I was planning to buy some anti-histamines as they make me incredibly sleepy and take them day and night till then. I phoned the Crisis line to check out the safety of that as a plan. They said there was nothing much they can do over the weekend and to make an emergency appointment with my GP, so I've done that and shall take this post with me.